Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Wow, I'm sorry I asked this question...on this board anyway. All I see are posters who possess a negative view about parenting. It's seems that most of you, had very bad experiences. I wouldn't even consider having a child if I wasn't ready, emotionally. My life experience have bought me to this point of wanting a child of my own. My family was a foster family--we cared for two newborns. I was heavily involved in ther raising of those babies (financially and emotionally). One poster said, it is weird to want a child! Wow!!!
As far as the potential father, I didn't include his income because I didn't feel a need to. He would most definitely contribute financially.I would never consider having a child with a man who cannot provide financially.
On the flip side, there are many of you, who put things into perspective for me and help me rationalize my ordeal. What I learned from you all is that I should give myself more time.
Why isn't it weird? He and I both possess a love for children. Is loving children weird?
Is he a friend with benefits? Have you had sex with him yet? Is it possible that this friend wants to be more than friends? Do you have him in the friend zone while he's secretly pining away hoping you'll eventually want to be more than friends? You might not think so but people say lot of things hoping to win over the people they adore. I'm not saying he doesn't love kids and doesn't want kids. I'm saying that maybe you need to reconsider this friendship and seriously contemplate if this friend is actually husband material. Which one of you are keeping the relationship as friends only? If he's good enough to chose as a father of your child, a man you'll be bound to for the next 20 years, why isn't he good enough to marry? These are all questions you should be asking and answering for yourself. It's a discussion you should have with him too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by myra88
What I learned from you all is that I should give myself more time.
That's a great decision. You should give it more time. It would be ideal if you found your life partner. This friend might be him.
A child is the BIGGEST luxury item you will ever purchase. A dog is much cheaper and will give you MORE love and acceptance, even though you must get a new one every 13 years or so. I don't ever regret choosing dogs over children, while many of my peers admit they made a mistake.
Nobody would approve you for a loan for 80% of a $500,000 mansion (even if you had the 20% down), so why would you think you are financially secure enough to fund the $500,000 it will take to raise a child? And if you think the taxpayer should help--shame on you.
Even with a husband, 90% of the time and monetary costs will fall on the woman--and you don't even have THAT legal commitment. Will your job will pay you to take maternity leave AND all the time needed for a child? Can you afford full-time child care once you get back to work? Will your job be secure when so many others DON'T have to take a ton of time off to deal with endless chlldhood emergencies?
And the deal-breaker that made me choose to never have kids: is raising a kid in a severely declining economy is going to be rewarding and enjoyable and make you very happy? If it isn't, the stress will show and your kids will ALWAYS remember the yelling and anger, instead of the relatively uncommon "good times." You'll be dead before they forgive you.
It was MUCH easier to be a mom when I was young and there were jobs and prosperity--but even back then, some women would have been far happier without kids. That being said, there are some motherly women that care about nothing but hovering over children, and they'll want kids no matter what--and the taxpayer will pay dearly. You don't sound like one of those.
So, you intend to make this child live out of an overnight bag from the get-go. Nice.
Have you two discussed custody arrangements, or are you going to fly by the seat of your pants? If he really wants a child, he'd be a fool not to make things legal. So, who's going to be the one making final decisions for this child? If you don't like what he wants, do you intend to just do what you want because the child will be living with you? Soooo many things can go wrong between you two from the get-go.
Who's going to take the tax deductions involving the child? The child care tax credit? Will you take turns doing that? Are you willing to share that since the child will most likely be living with you? Is he going to help you with the day-to-day responsibilities? Will he bring you diapers, or will you have to tell him to? Will he have a car seat for his car, or take yours? Will he be involved in outside activities? When you're sick, will he take child to school? If child needs help with homework, will he come over and help him if you can't? When the child needs to go to the doctor, will he do it if you can't? When child becomes a discipline problem, will he drive to your house and help you with the situation, or will it be "your day to have him so you deal with it"?
Now, what if one of you gets married and wants to move away? Suppose he doesn't want you to take the child away, or he moves away and basically leaves you alone with the total responsibility? Sorry, I just wouldn't trust a 20-something guy to fulfill his responsibilities. If he were at least 30, I might.
Wow, I'm sorry I asked this question...on this board anyway. All I see are posters who possess a negative view about parenting. It's seems that most of you, had very bad experiences. I wouldn't even consider having a child if I wasn't ready, emotionally. My life experience have bought me to this point of wanting a child of my own. My family was a foster family--we cared for two newborns. I was heavily involved in ther raising of those babies (financially and emotionally). One poster said, it is weird to want a child! Wow!!!
As far as the potential father, I didn't include his income because I didn't feel a need to. He would most definitely contribute financially.I would never consider having a child with a man who cannot provide financially.
On the flip side, there are many of you, who put things into perspective for me and help me rationalize my ordeal. What I learned from you all is that I should give myself more time.
That is probably the best thing you could take away from this thread right now. I gave you my perspective as a single parent.
In the meantime, what about a puppy to train, raise, and shower affection upon? It is good to know that you can keep something alive and healthy and a whole lot easier that a baby, for now.
Now that my son is 18 and off to college, I genuinely refer to my yorkie as my little child substitute!
Why the hell do some of you people think that 25 is "too young"? You do realize that a woman's fertility starts to decline in her late twenties, correct? Sorry, but women don't have the luxury to wait around and *hope* to find a partner, unlike their male counterparts.
I plan on doing something similar once I am finished with grad school. I will be in my late twenties. I see nothing wrong with single parenthood by choice. Just because a woman can't or won't find a partner doesn't mean she should miss out on parenthood, assuming that is what she wants.
OP, I would wait a year and save as much as possible and get a lawyer involved regarding visitation and parenting styles.
I did not read any of the replies, so I am not giving an influenced answer.
I am 46 and I have 2 children. I met my husband when I was 26 and got married at 29. My husband ended up with cancer, so we had to put off having children for a little while. I had my kids in my mid-30's. My sister in law is 38 and she met her now fiance when she was 35, she has no kids but will be a step-mom to 2 teen girls. My friend met her husband when she was 32. She got married 5 years later and had years of infertility issues, and then had a baby at 43, without the aid of any fertility drugs or procedures. Someone else I know is very career driven. She is single and decided she was going to adopt a girl from China when she was in her late 30s. And yet one more person I know who is my age, also career-driven, decided to be inseminated at the age of 35 when she decided that she didn't want to be married and didn't want to miss out on having a baby.
What I'm trying to say is you never know where your life is going to lead you but the commonality of all these stories is that we all came into our own in our late 20's early 30s. Not saying you aren't mature enough to do this at 25, because you certainly are, but everything can change in one day. While I think having kids is great, it's a LOT of work and takes a lot of money. And I mean a LOT. As a teacher you will be spending every waking moment of your life involved in children and the care of them. $47,000 doesn't go a long way these days, but teacher salaries do go up slow and steady. Don't do this at 25 years old. Get your career more established, and save up. Enjoy the children in your classroom. See friends and meet people. If you are 30-32 and still in the same place emotionally and want a child, I say go for it. Single, married, or other- pregnancy or adopt. Whatever the position, whatever the method. I see nothing wrong with doing it on your own, but I would wait just a bit.
Why the hell do some of you people think that 25 is "too young"? You do realize that a woman's fertility starts to decline in her late twenties, correct? Sorry, but women don't have the luxury to wait around and *hope* to find a partner, unlike their male counterparts.
First, children come into the world in all sorts of circumstances, and there are many single parents who do an outstanding job in a more challenging situation. So this is not to knock any of them, or to imply that children are doomed if they come from one upbringing or another...
However, part of being a good parent is selflessness and thinking of what would be best for your child before what would be best for yourself. Having two committed parents who are able to provide for and be there for the child provides an extra level of security beyond just one. Waiting until you've established a career or have money saved up provides an extra level of security. Certainly, one does not have to have all these things, but it is in the best interests of the child to get as many of the odds stacked in their favor before starting out. The OP is in a situation where she does not have a committed partner with whom to raise a child. She has barely started her career and does not make enough to raise a child comfortably. I will echo the question others have asked, which is, "If this man really is committed enough to raise this child for 20 years with her, why would they not marry?"
At 25, the OP is not in an urgent situation with regards to fertility. She could easily conceive for another 5 years, and reasonably easily conceive probably for another 4-5 after that. If she was 35 and in the same boat, my answer would be different. But this young woman has barely gotten into the workforce, does not have a stable life partner and though she says she's mature, is making suggestions about future actions that do not imply such. So yes, this woman does have "the luxury to wait around" for a bit longer, and in fact, if she actually wants to do what would be best for a child rather than just herself, she will. She will save money, look for a real partner and if this man is it, talk about a real, stable home for the child. Steelstress said,"So, you intend to make this child live out of an overnight bag from the get-go. Nice," and while a little on the nose, she's absolutely correct in the point she's making. To set a child up for this scenario is thinking about the enjoyment of the adults first, and the child last.
And wow. I just read some of the replies! Don't let the haters influence you. You are making the decision that is best for you, not best-for-you-in-their-shoes!
But I would still wait a few years to get everything in order, and would make sure the potential father still wants this.
A child is the BIGGEST luxury item you will ever purchase. A dog is much cheaper and will give you MORE love and acceptance, even though you must get a new one every 13 years or so. I don't ever regret choosing dogs over children, while many of my peers admit they made a mistake.
Nobody would approve you for a loan for 80% of a $500,000 mansion (even if you had the 20% down), so why would you think you are financially secure enough to fund the $500,000 it will take to raise a child? And if you think the taxpayer should help--shame on you.
Even with a husband, 90% of the time and monetary costs will fall on the woman--and you don't even have THAT legal commitment. Will your job will pay you to take maternity leave AND all the time needed for a child? Can you afford full-time child care once you get back to work? Will your job be secure when so many others DON'T have to take a ton of time off to deal with endless chlldhood emergencies?
And the deal-breaker that made me choose to never have kids: is raising a kid in a severely declining economy is going to be rewarding and enjoyable and make you very happy? If it isn't, the stress will show and your kids will ALWAYS remember the yelling and anger, instead of the relatively uncommon "good times." You'll be dead before they forgive you.
It was MUCH easier to be a mom when I was young and there were jobs and prosperity--but even back then, some women would have been far happier without kids. That being said, there are some motherly women that care about nothing but hovering over children, and they'll want kids no matter what--and the taxpayer will pay dearly. You don't sound like one of those.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
