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There had to be some authority to not let them out of line- Verbalising was never my style. What can I do to make them see they can always count on me? Sometimes I'll only get to know things that happened to them months after they happened. They always go to their mother to tell her first.
Great you are the authority, their mom is the parent. How's that working out for you?
Too strict? Well I guess it all depends on your desired outcome to determine if your methods were effective. You desired an strictly behavioral outcome. You don't complain about that element, so perhaps you were effective. You chose to allow Mom to play the role of loving parent, so now you face the consequence of that as well. So, the question is, were you effective at your goal? Sounds like you were.
To parents of young children for whom this ship has not sailed who may be reading this thread, I ask you to consider that there is no dichotomy between love, fun, cherishing and effective discipline. You CAN have a close, loving relationship with your children, Mom or Dad, and still instill superior behavior, character and integrity in your children. I ask you to think back on the things that your parents did and remember how you felt. When you felt fear, not fear of the near miss consequences of your stupid behavior, but fear of your PARENT, ask yourself if that is how you want your children to feel about you.
The truth is not only is it possible to have both a close loving relationship AND a solid, firm disciplinary strategy with high expectations for your children's behavior and development, it is actually easier than a battle of wills with punishments and conflicts. They can be partners in their household, their responsibilities and their own character. And that is a beautiful thing to observe promoting pride in them and in yourself. I won't go on here. Anyone interested can search my extensive posting history. I do go on and on. Or PM me. But this story makes me sad since it is so easily avoided. But it involves learning new skills which seems to terrify many people.
OP, I am not sure what you came for as you don't really seem open to hearing what people are saying you, but instead insist on defending your actions. What outcome DID and DO you seek? Because your actions seem to obviously lead directly to the outcome that you received. Was that not what you were expecting? Are you surprised?
I have 3 sons, a 22 year old and 19 year old twins. I was always very strict since they were little kids when it came to politeness. I've always expected them to have impeccable manners, no answering back as teens, always deferring to their superiors and no less than top grades at school. I spanked them whenever I though it was necessary and contrary to modern parenting, I think spanking is a very effective method. One day one of the twins wouldn't stop putting his fingers in his mouth while eating, he was about 4. A single slap in the face and he never did it again.
Besides, their mother and both grandmothers babied them a lot and were far too tolerant with them. Therefore, there had to be someone to show them some discipline.
One of the twins had a car crash a few weeks ago. He was returning home with a couple of friends, it was raining and the car fell down a hill into a small creek. The police was called but couldn't find them. We had to wait 6 hours until they managed to get back up (it was during the night).
At Christmas, I overheard a conversation between him and his grandmother. She was telling him how his mother cried throughout the whole time we didn't know about him and he could never imagine how much everyone was worried. And she said "Your father as well, of course". And my son rolled his eyes and said "My father has ice in his veins, he couldn't care less if I came back up in a coffin."
I mean, that struck me. Does he truly think that's how I am? I never expected to hear such a thing.
You slapped a four year old in the face? For putting his fingers in his mouth? Damn!
I never, ever slapped my son. When you hit kids, the only message it sends is that it's OK to do it if you're bigger. Meanwhile, it's never OK.
My son is an adult now and tells me he loves me every single day.
I must have done somrthing right.
There had to be some authority to not let them out of line- Verbalising was never my style. What can I do to make them see they can always count on me? Sometimes I'll only get to know things that happened to them months after they happened. They always go to their mother to tell her first.
Originally Posted by DavidWest There had to be some authority to not let them out of line- Verbalising was never my style. What can I do to make them see they can always count on me? Sometimes I'll only get to know things that happened to them months after they happened. They always go to their mother to tell her first.
Count on you for what, exactly?
So far, they've been able to count on getting hit, getting punished, not getting any praise or encouragement, only strict, cold, angry discipline.
Why should they count on you?
Last edited by weltschmerz; 12-29-2013 at 05:39 PM..
Impeccable citizens, I hope. I've seen what happens to kids of relaxed and permissive parents.
You hit a defenseless four year old and feel qualified to look down your nose at relaxed and permissive parents? Spanking, slapping and any other form of physical discipline is violence, pure and simple and breeds distrust and contempt.
And if you're surprised about what your adult children feel towards you that's a strong indicator you've been paying attention to the wrong things all along.
congratulations, sounds like you irreversibly ****ed your child up forever.
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