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I need to find a way to approach them without being too obvious. I can't just go to them and get all mushy. Not only could I never do it but they would give me that look and ask if I needed my head checked.
With the son you recently overheard, take him out somewhere (lunch, fishing, hunting, whatever you do). Tell him you overheard him and you want him to know you were worried and you love him. Tell him you feel badly that he didn't know how you felt, and you wanted to tell him. For the other sons, you can have a similar talk when you're alone with each of them. Seize any opportunity to let them know you're proud of an accomplishment when it happens. A pat on the back and "I'm proud of you, son" can go a long way.
OP, you grew up with very low self-esteem because you were beaten by your father. Maybe being a tyrant towards your children made you feel better about yourself.. or maybe you saw your own self in them and just didn't like them very much. Who knows?
Now you're asking if you were too strict... strict isn't the word that comes to mind. Sounds like you didn't even treat them like people. I think you should apologize to the son you hit in the face AND to all three of your boys for being so rigid about their academic achievements. Every summer in Hong Kong, hundreds of teenagers kill themselves because of parental pressure to do well in exams. Why did you need them to get high marks??
If your boys are well-adjusted, it's only because your behavior was offset by their mother's.
So here's the problem I have with the OP.
You found it acceptable to slap a 4 year old across the face and think that's okay?
It's one thing to discipline, it's another to take it over the top, and you, in my opinion took it over the top.
So, I can see why your kids may think that.
The one you described it, as if you want perfect kids who are going to grow up through life doing everything right.
I'm sorry, but it's just as important to show love, affection and understanding, as it is to discipline. Discipline is useless when the love isn't shown.
I'm usually a supporter of father-son heart to heart talks, but I'm not sure it would work in this case. The OP doesn't seem comfortable with showing emotion towards his boys, and if they are resistant to his overtures, it could backfire.
I think you should write a letter OP, not an email, a real letter to your sons. Tell them you thought you were doing the right thing at the time, but you realize now (you DO realize now, don't you?), that you were wrong. Let them know you love them, and have always loved them. Then ask them to forgive you.
You went abit too far but I understand where you're coming from. My Dad was exactly like you.
If I didn't listen to him once, he'd yell. Didn't listen to him twice, he'd get the belt.
I was 5 when I got the stupid idea to challenge his authority. He got the belt and wacked me in the butt until I was bleeding, and my thighs were red.
My mother made him stop but I definitely learned my lesson: when Dad says to do something, don't cross him. Luckily for me, my dad was gone on business trips a lot so I didn't see him that much to get whacked with the belt. However, I still loved him to death, I was Daddy's Girl through and through.
When my Dad is in a good mood and happy, he's the most amazing Dad. But when you cross him, you better watch out. When we moved back to America, my mom was super scared of people thinking the wrong thing so spankings became less frequent and time outs for 30-60 minutes in the corner along with writing letters of apology became more frequent.
My grandma however, didn't care lol. She was really old school and she would hurt us with rubber bands or the rolling pins, or she'd spank our butts. I learned that if I cried, the adults would stop the punishment so I self-taught myself to cry on purpose. And you bet I abused it, I even taught my brother how to do it!
Despite us being little rebels and my parents graduating from corporal punishment to traditional groundings (no going out with friends, no phones, no TV, no games, etc.) the lessons that we learned still stuck with us.
Anytime we visit other parents at our friends' houses, both my brother and I are complimented a lot because of how polite, mature, kind, and courteous we are. It made our friends jealous because we were more in favor with their parents than they were.
Luckily we both married "old school" spouses. My brother turned to religion and married his wife, his wife had a home-school and religious upbringing so she's very nice and have great values. My husband came from a culture that mimics our Romanian culture of family first. My husband was brought up taking care of his sisters, his mother, and the house while his dad was away in the Navy. Despite my husband being younger than me, he's mentally more mature than I am!
We took one of those mental tests.... I have the mental age of 25 while his was 30
Although I won't use the belt, rolling pin or rubber band.... you can bet that I would be one of those parents that spanks their bottoms. I've seen the damage parents have done when they become their kids' best friends and let them run wild even in public... my kids would never do that.
My mom washed my mouth with soap if I ever cursed at home, and I would do the same with my children. OP is right, discipline is necessary.... HOWEVER, there's a thing called too much discipline. OP, were you always disciplining your kids? My dad, mom, and grandma disciplined us and spanked us... but in between they still found ways to express how much they loved us (although in weird ways), and still found time to make some good memories with us.
By your admission, it sounds like you were stern 24/7 instead of like... 16/7.
I need to find a way to approach them without
being too obvious. I can't just go to them and get all mushy. Not only could I
never do it but they would give me that look and ask if I needed my head
checked.
Nothing wrong with getting mushy. It will show them that you do have feelings, after all.
Just tell them you had a "come to Jesus" moment and you realize you were wrong.
It takes a strong man to admit that, and I think they'll respect you for it.
Tell them you're sorry you weren't more nurturing, that you didn't know how, and ask them to help you. Ask them how you can show them that you do care deeply for them. Let them tell you, while it's still not too late.
What have I done more, how so? They were given common spankings and I never left any marks on them. Actually, after they were 5 or so, my mere presence was enough for them no behave properly.
I am a parent of almost 5 yr old twins....and if they felt that feared of me I would feel ashamed. I never want my kids afraid of me when I am around that if they do something minor wrong I will slap them or in any way hurt them.
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Hmmm
