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Tough love here but one major consideration, her aside, is do you want a ready made family? Like wifey and kids? I think many have to ask themselves that more often when it comes to marrying someone with kids be they him or her.
And so what when they do? I can do with teenagers better than young kids. Teenagers know right from wrong and are more intellectual than being 3 6 and 9
Oh gosh, you really have no clue do you
Teenagers are caught in a horrible place of being too old to do "A" but too young to do "B". They are rational and logical in some aspects and crazy and hormonal and incapable of rational thought in others. They are testing the boundaries much like a 2 year does, just with more stressful scenarios.
My kids are 14 and 16 this year.
I am convinced that teen years are as such to allow parents to let go of them when they're young adults!
Yes... I had to snicker at this. OP is in for a rude awakening if he continues to believe that teenagers are "easy".
And so what when they do? I can do with teenagers better than young kids. Teenagers know right from wrong and are more intellectual than being 3 6 and 9
Well mannered 3, 6 & 9 years olds, who know right from wrong, generally grow into well mannered teenagers who know right from wrong.
Children who are disrespectful, bug and hit adults as 3, 6 & 9 year olds generally have much, much worse behavior as teenagers unless the parent/adult drastically changes their behavioral expectations and behavior management skills.
Kids don't magically "know right from wrong" and also do not magically become "more intellectual" when they become teenagers and definitely do not magically become well behaved just because they become teenagers.
0P, you think it is difficult if a 6 year old hits you? Image a 6 foot 180 pound disrespectful 16 year old hitting you? (I'm not saying that it will happen, but I have seen it happen before. Just something to consider.)
She was never married. The mother does discipline when any of the kids hits me or in general.
This will turn serious like marriage. I'm not going anywhere. I could care less about the father of the kids.
One thing that does bother me is the 6 year old likes to say mommy and daddy should get back together and why did they break up? Not all the time a few times in 6 months. It doesn't matter though I'm locked in and I want to be with her.
She was never married. The mother does discipline when any of the kids hits me or in general.
This will turn serious like marriage. I'm not going anywhere. I could care less about the father of the kids.
One thing that does bother me is the 6 year old likes to say mommy and daddy should get back together and why did they break up? Not all the time a few times in 6 months. It doesn't matter though I'm locked in and I want to be with her.
It is quite common for children to "wish out loud" for their divorced/apart parents to get back together. I wouldn't worry about that.
However, as a person with over 60 years of life experiences, I would worry about a young man that I cared about, such as my son or nephew, getting involved too quickly in a situation that has the potential for disaster. Moving in together with a woman with three children perhaps would be OK but after only three months of dating sends up a huge red flag. I would advise him to slow down and take his time to make sure that it will be a permanent choice.
BTW, my nephew did marry a woman with two children by a previous marriage. They took it very slowly. They dated for about 2 1/2 to 3 years before they got married and moved in together. They have been happily married for about 15 years and are now "empty nesters" as both children are in now college. Of course, it isn't really the same situation as you, as the biological dad was always in the children's life and was not a deadbeat and the children did not have any behavioral or discipline problems.
Another relative married a woman with children from a previous marriage. Again, it is successful because they took it slowly. They dated for almost six months before the mom even introduced her boyfriend (now husband) to her children. She/they wanted to be sure that it was "the real thing" before involving her children. They didn't move in together until they had dated for over two years and then married after another six months.
If you are really serious about this woman what difference will a year or two make if you are planning to be together for the next 40 or 50 years? My advise is to take it slowly and to get some marriage/couples counseling AND for your GF to take parenting classes.
Looking for advice on how to deal with the three kids as far as discipline or yelling at them. They are not my kids and all from same father who is a loser. Anyway I love them and the mother and at first it didn't affect me but they've grown on me and I care more and now I find myself getting upset and yelling not like crazy but enough so they know.
Yelling very rarely does anything. With some kids they even just find it amusing. Yelling or getting angry is a display of loss of control and cool on your part - so the moment you start doing that - you have already lost.
Rather than worrying too much about discipline types - or putting too much stock in the posts on this thread advocating any one type over another - focus instead on the _attributes_ of a good discipline regime.
For example in my opinion some of the most important things in any approach is "consistency" and a "united front". That is - the discpline types - what they are - when they are used - are consistent and clearly laid out and you and your partner(s) are on the same page about them.
So the first step in my opinion would be sitting down with your partner and discussing what your role in thise childrens life will be - how you see yourself as a parent figure - what the discpline and rules for those children is to be - and how you can work together to implement it consistently, fairly, effectively and as a united parental system and not disparate break aways doing their own thing.
Thanks Germaine, it wasn't three months but six but still that's still quick. Unfortunately my situation has been unique. Moved out to boston to be with my ex for 8 years then we buy a condo and she drove me away. I moved around then ended up living with a coworker she got obsessed with me and then I met the current gf. It has been a rough year but everything in my heart and head tells me she's the one.
Thanks for calming me down about the girls wishing out loud as I have no experience with this.
Assuming she left him at the latest, when the youngest was born, they were together for at least 6 years, correct?
You are a boyfriend of 6 months. Of course these children are going to hope that this is a temporary blip and that their parents will still get back together. Realistically? That might be in the cards too. A woman who moves her children into a home with an apparent new boyfriend (that thread was from like 2-3 months ago!?!?!) is not thinking with her head on straight and will be prone to making foolish decisions. As a mother myself, I would grab her by the shoulders and try and shake some sense into her!
These children are thrown into turmoil and from one bad situation (parent's turbulent relationship) to another.
Truly, I don't think ANY children of 3,6, and 9 would behave well in this scenario. They have no security or stability. I'm sure you are a good person and lord knows that sometimes people yell at kids because they are frustrating, but you are really in a no-win situation here - you are trying to fix someone and something that is very broken, to the point of 'rescuer-syndrome' and that never pans out well.
She was never married. The mother does discipline when any of the kids hits me or in general.
I am going to assert that if the episodes are continuing, that she is not disciplining effectively.
Quote:
This will turn serious like marriage. I'm not going anywhere. I could care less about the father of the kids.
One thing that does bother me is the 6 year old likes to say mommy and daddy should get back together and why did they break up? Not all the time a few times in 6 months. It doesn't matter though I'm locked in and I want to be with her.
You two have an opportunity to work together to learn new skills. You can support your partner by working with her to do this.
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