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My son is four, and we have neighbours that we're friendly with who have a girl that's a year younger. When we met them a couple of years ago, we would do playdates and the kids played fairly well together up until about a year ago. However, the girl has always been very physical, and she hasn't seemed to outgrow it even now, in fact it's gotten worse - it's not that she's aggressive, but her way of 'playing' with kids always ends up with her hitting and slapping, grabbing them on the face, or giving 'hugs' where she's not letting them move or they both fall over to the ground. She does all this 'happily', when she gets excited, but that doesn't make it less unpleasant - already she's hit DS close to the eye one time, and scratched him on the face, and that's with active intervention on my and her mom's behalf (it happened in an instant before we got to them). Her mom seems to tell her to stop when she does it, but makes no physical attempt to actually remove her, at most she'll pull her hand away but then next minute she's back in his face. She does with other kids too, not just us.
Because of this I've been trying to avoid them as much as possible, not doing playdates, but they live right across the street and we inevitably run into each other at the park, local playground etc, and we also have a bunch of common friends and end up at the same birthday parties and get-togethers. The mom seems aware that it's a problem and laments the girl's behaviour, but again doesn't actually do much to control it so I don't know what I can say or do without being too rude; I don't really want to antagonize them completely by saying we don't want to hang out...I've told DS that it's okay to push back if he doesn't like what she's doing, but he hasn't really done it - before this became a problem I've kinda drilled it into him that she's younger and a girl, so he may be reluctant to hit back. Also, the few times he DID hit back, about a year ago, it didn't seem to stop her, only get her more riled up and we'd need to physically separate them. Also something can happen really quickly, the face grabbing thing especially scares me because of eyes etc.
Any advice for how I should handle this peacefully when we run into each other?
I would intervene in the manner that I think is appropriate. Take her, and move her away from your son. Tell her that when she can play without using her body, then she can play with your son. If Mom gets pissed, so much the better. Then maybe she will start avoiding YOU!
I would intervene in the manner that I think is appropriate. Take her, and move her away from your son. Tell her that when she can play without using her body, then she can play with your son. If Mom gets pissed, so much the better. Then maybe she will start avoiding YOU!
This is your child. Be rude.
Good luck.
Hmm. This is what I'd definitely do if the mom wasn't around for some reason, but it didn't really occur to me as being appropriate when the mom is right there seemingly taking action (even though it's not very affective). I did tell the girl to stop a couple of times and moved DS away, but didn't feel right to touch the girl with her mom right there. I've always been a believer of addressing issues with kids through the parents only, as trying to discipline others' kids can get you in trouble. I guess I was thinking along the lines of what to say to the mom to get my feelings about the situation across without offending, and get her to take action - either discipline her daughter more actively or mutually agree to not have the kids play together, without harsh feelings. I guess such a magic phrase doesn't exist?
I would teach DS to say, "Stop doing that." If she continues and you're in a place like the playground rather than on a playdate where you could use, "If you can't play nicely, you will have to go home," as a threat, I would simply separate them and say, "If you can't play nicely together, you will have to play separately." I would avoid directing it at her, but just sort of steer DS away. I think grabbing her or directly reprimanding her could get dicey. I might also avoid telling DS to push back or hit back. I think the problem with that is that most kids don't have the nuance to understand when it would be okay to push/hit and when it wouldn't and then once he starts school in a year, he'll likely be in a zero tolerance environment where that sort of thing could get him into a lot of trouble.
Is he actually getting hurt (besides the one scratch) or is she just being more physical than desired?
Does he want to play with her or does he try to get away from her when she approaches?
It doesn't seem as if she is unsupervised or that her mother doesn't recognize what she is doing. Rather it seems that what she does bothers you and not her mother.
The question is, does it bother your son?
Does he ask to not play with her? Does he cry when she is physical with him? I see where you are trying to avoid her, but is HE trying to avoid her?
If he truly does not want to play with her, then you need to be honest and have that discussion openly with her mom. Explain that you feel sad that he doesn't want to play with her anymore because of her physical demonstrations. Tell her that you would like for them to continue being friends, but with her current behavior he doesn't want to be friends with her. Then it's up to her to decide what to do about it. If she does nothing, then you just remove him from the situation and tell him he can play where he feels safe.
If he enjoys playing with her except for her physical actions on occasion, then you should work with him on how to handle it
himself. At age 4 he should be quite capable of telling another child to let go, don't touch me, I don't like that, leave me alone, do not push me etc and be able to extricate himself from the situation as well. If they don't comply he should also be quite capable of calling out for adult assistance or reporting the misbehavior to an adult so they can intervene after his attempts were not successful.
Along with what hypo said, you may also want to demonstrate exactly what the little girl SHOULD do instead. Such as when she hits, tell her "Be gentle" as you gently pat or pet your son and then her. It's not enough at that age to tell them NOT to do something. You need to show her what to do. Also, then you are giving her a "yes" instead of a "no".
Is he actually getting hurt (besides the one scratch) or is she just being more physical than desired?
Does he want to play with her or does he try to get away from her when she approaches?
It doesn't seem as if she is unsupervised or that her mother doesn't recognize what she is doing. Rather it seems that what she does bothers you and not her mother.
The question is, does it bother your son?
Does he ask to not play with her? Does he cry when she is physical with him? I see where you are trying to avoid her, but is HE trying to avoid her?
If he truly does not want to play with her, then you need to be honest and have that discussion openly with her mom. Explain that you feel sad that he doesn't want to play with her anymore because of her physical demonstrations. Tell her that you would like for them to continue being friends, but with her current behavior he doesn't want to be friends with her. Then it's up to her to decide what to do about it. If she does nothing, then you just remove him from the situation and tell him he can play where he feels safe.
If he enjoys playing with her except for her physical actions on occasion, then you should work with him on how to handle it
himself. At age 4 he should be quite capable of telling another child to let go, don't touch me, I don't like that, leave me alone, do not push me etc and be able to extricate himself from the situation as well. If they don't comply he should also be quite capable of calling out for adult assistance or reporting the misbehavior to an adult so they can intervene after his attempts were not successful.
He hasn't gotten really hurt, but that's only because I was aware of the situation and keeping an eye on them and me and/or her mom would actively intervene; there was definitely potential for him getting hurt, like in the case of her hitting/grabbing his face right in the eye area, or almost toppling over on the concrete in a 'hug'. The scratches happened the one time when they seemed to be playing nicely and I wasn't watching as carefully, until I heard him cry out. He does say 'No!' to her, but she doesn't seem to care, I mean she doesn't even care when her mom reprimands her. He doesn't really complain to me either, although I've tried to work with him on that; mainly he just cries 'no' or 'stop' and may try to get away but other times he'll sort of just stand there and let her do it, looking bewildered.
He does still enjoy playing with her overall, but does get upset when this happens, understandably so. He's not a particularly 'touchy-feely' kid to begin with, so he hates it even when she's just trying to grab or hug him against his will. Mainly though I'm just worried about him ending up actually getting hurt; and even if it's nothing serious like the scratches, I still feel bad for him. Plus it doesn't make for a very pleasant or relaxing playdate when I have to be on my guard watching them every second - I mean they all still need watching at this age anyways, but with most other kids they're fine playing without constant supervision, the most conflict that happens is around sharing toys etc, but not worry about them getting hurt - everyone else already seemed to have grown out of the hitting phase by around 2.5.
You do have a right to intervene even when the mother is around to protect your son. She doesn't seem to listen to her mother, but she may listen to your stern voice. I would send her home anytime she got physical. Let her know that's why she's being sent home. Even if the mother is there, you can send them both home by saying, "She's getting physical again so it's time to call it a day. It was so nice to see you. We'll have to do this again sometime." That way the mother might learn too.
When you run into the lady across the street tell her that you would rather he played with boys his own age that you really don't want him to play with girls.
You asked me what I would do. Do there. That's what I would do.
20yrsinBranson
Last edited by Jaded; 01-24-2014 at 12:43 AM..
Reason: Removed flaming content
Teach him to shake hands with his friends instead of hugging. Tell the other mom you're getting him ready for kindergarten because most schools have a rule against hugging. Ask her daughter to shake hands with your son. The little girl might think it's a great new game and stick to shaking hands for a while.
Our kindergarten did "handshakes and high fives" but you'd better leave the high fives out since this girl has a problem with hitting.
It's also a good chance to talk to your son about what to do with unwanted physical contact...turn it into an acceptable contact (like the handshake), remove himself from the situation, or tell an adult, depending on the situation. He will encounter bullies or even just overly playful kids at school and he will have to learn how to deal with them.
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