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To me, paying for a car would be done for the purpose of helping the young adult "launch." It would be a way to help him get to school and work. It would help him get to the next step in life. I guess I don't see the point in "gifting" a car to someone who seems to have already launched. It wouldn't exactly help him learn to manage money better.
We gave him our blessing at postponing college. While he's out there living the dream, I expect him to be as self sufficient as possible. I can't consider him fully launched until he has a driver's license and a vehicle. I just can't get past that. I'm very realistic about his launching being a very temporary situation. It is likely to be very short lived and could end overnight with an injury. He'll need a vehicle commute to college and a minimum wage fast food job if that happens. I don't want to wait to see if he needs a vehicle. He's the age my little sister was when my parents died. I measure everything by that. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves if I die tomorrow. It's an incredible fear I have. We're all shaped by our experiences, and my parents dying young is what shapes me in regards to the importance of children being self sufficient.
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Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Couldn't rep you again, but thanks for the encouragement! I do worry about my son and hope he pulls his life together.
He will! I have an inspirational story to tell you. I'll send you a DM.
I would never set a specific age when I'd cut off support. I started standing on my own mid-college but over the thirty-plus years since was fortunate to accept an occasional bump from my family, always in the form of a short-term loan. As long as my children don't come to expect or rely on my lending a hand financially, I'll always be willing to do what I can. My only concern would be allowing them to automatically add me to their financial forecast once they launch.
These aren't the days of yore when anyone with a strong back or educated mind can easily go out and make their way in the world, things are more complicated nowadays. I'll always be their father and will always be there for them.
I think this is great. It's neither indulgent nor harsh. Your kids are lucky. There was a lot of pressure in my family to be high achieving and well educated, but no guidance or assistance re: how to pull it off. I remember expressing concern once as an undergrad about my growing student loan debt, and my mom waving her hand and saying, "Just borrow the amount you need and don't worry too much about it. A lot of people don't even pay those back."
My approach with my own daughter is (I'm hoping) more like NYC2RDU's. I don't think it's fair to set an expectation when kids are young but then offer no direction, planning, or support.
Unfortunately I've seen too many adults take advantage of their parents' generosity. So, I can completely see where the OP and others are coming from.
I don't see it as "cutting off" children for the sake of being mean or evil, rather, it's just good practice to raise independent individuals. If people weren't able to stand on their own and make a good living then they would not be able to help those who literally cannot help themselves. This is the beauty of TRUE charity and philanthropy for those in need.
Ironically, some of the wealthiest individuals in the world ensure that their children are self-sufficient. Sure, they may pay for college and they provide them with tools and contacts to create a network of opportunity, but at the end of the day, if their children never gained any self-worth by being able to take care of themselves and preserve the family's wealth...then there would soon be no wealth for future generations. If you think about it, it can be quite selfish to never want your child to "leave the nest" so to speak and be fully capable of solving his life's problems without having to constantly return to his parents for monetary help.
The way I see it, it's not the occasional helping hand or the gifts of money or property to well-functioning adults that most folks have an issue with. It's the 30+ year-olds who are college or vocational school educated, healthy, literate, capable beings who simply don't want to suffer at all. They don't want to do without anything, or forego a luxury for a moment in time; or save, or sacrifice for what they want in life; instead, they expect that their parents should support them indefinitely. It's sad. And I've seen more of this type of attitude lately from the past two generations than I believe my parents ever saw 50 years ago!
I have always emphasized to my daughter that she must support herself but I will help in times of need (ie like when her car broke down, I was happy to help to get it fixed) but she pretty much supports herself and thankfully isn't materialistic or greedy.
The way I see it, it's not the occasional helping hand or the gifts of money or property to well-functioning adults that most folks have an issue with. It's the 30+ year-olds who are college or vocational school educated, healthy, literate, capable beings who simply don't want to suffer at all. They don't want to do without anything, or forego a luxury for a moment in time; or save, or sacrifice for what they want in life; instead, they expect that their parents should support them indefinitely. It's sad. And I've seen more of this type of attitude lately from the past two generations than I believe my parents ever saw 50 years ago!
I understand the OP's complaint. She has coworkers who were living in the trendiest neighborhoods on their parents' dime, while acting snobby, successful, and superior towards counterparts who are supporting themselves.
I've been paying for most of my own things that were wants not needs since I started babysitting at the age of 9.
I bought my own non school clothes but my Mother bought my school uniforms, groceries, paid the rent, etc.
If it was something specific I wanted like a different shampoo than she used, different toothpaste, an outfit I bought those things myself.
As soon as I got a full time job I bought my own vehicle, paid for the license, gasoline, insurance and upkeep and have been out of my Mother's home since I was about 15.
Wow. I could have written most of this - no wonder we agree so often on so many threads
We, DH and I, pay OUR bills now, the whole families.
So you do support them now.....at what point does paying "the whole families" bills, not include their portion? That is what I meant. You indicated that you can't cut off what you never started. You are clearly (and appropriately) supporting them now and I'm presuming at some point, you intend to stop doing that. When are you thinking that will be? If what you are saying is "it varies", or "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it", is one thing, but saying you don't intend to "cut them off" because "You can't cut off what you never did!" is unclear.
I would never cut my kid off, I would just ask them why they needed the money and what it was for. Now, if you're 30 something that's a whole 'nother story.
I would never cut my kid off, I would just ask them why they needed the money and what it was for. Now, if you're 30 something that's a whole 'nother story.
And, the point of the thread. So, either you "never" would, or you will once an age is reached that you deem it should be done.
So you do support them now.....at what point does paying "the whole families" bills, not include their portion?
I did mention that our kids are still solidly minors. "They" don't currently have a portion. It's all our bills. So right out of the gate I mentioned that this was speculative.
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That is what I meant. You indicated that you can't cut off what you never started.
I guess I think it is a bad idea to set a precedent that when they are "on their own" that parents are paying actual bills. Ok dear. You have an apartment but I will take utilities . I imagine that there are extenuating circumstance to take into account.
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You are clearly (and appropriately) supporting them now and I'm presuming at some point, you intend to stop doing that. When are you thinking that will be? If what you are saying is "it varies", or "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it", is one thing, but saying you don't intend to "cut them off" because "You can't cut off what you never did!" is unclear.
Oh. Sure. As they approach independence, the support naturally becomes less. But there is no fixed point, no delineation in the sand. I don't intend to continue to pay their "bills" after they have left. But the real line I suppose is always related to outcomes. Does it help them in terms of an investment in their future that is appropriate to their current state of development? That would be the guiding star.
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There was a lot of pressure in my family to be high achieving and well educated, but no guidance or assistance re: how to pull it off. I remember expressing concern once as an undergrad about my growing student loan debt, and my mom waving her hand and saying, "Just borrow the amount you need and don't worry too much about it. A lot of people don't even pay those back." 
