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It is just not that cut bad dry. Look at Ivories kid she was raised in a home where kids were expected to work by the time they are 18 or do with out and she would an unacceptable wat to do with.
Meanwhile I am sure many consider everyone in my family coddled by the family money, yet everyone is gainfully employed, actively and passionately pursuing degrees, and not relying on any other person to provide for them.
Again maybe it comes down to attitude, but the family money is just that, the FAMILYS, everyone contributes to the family, even the children, even if not monetarily. Maybe it's just a function of thinking of the family differently but we believe that regardless of age if you are a member of a family you have responsibilities and rights. If kids understand that concept well before they are 18 it makes a smoother transition. It also leads to less frustrations over shared resources or caring for elderly relatives.
I guess I don't understand this theory. I think that the vast majority of adults want to be independent of their parents. I just don't see hoards of twentysomethings who are living at home because they are leeches. I see some twentysomethings who need a few years to get started in the next phase of life, but that is an entirely different animal. It is a bit more difficult for college grads to get started than it was when I graduated from college (1987). I don't understand the thought that withholding help from adult kids who are trying to get started in life will help them.
We're not talking about living at home. The OP is talking about adult children who live in their own places and their parents help them financially. The children who constantly have emergencies, run out of money, and call asking for help every two weeks. Or the kids whose parents pay their rent or car payment well into their 30s. You can't see those adult kids because they're not living with their parents. They're out there. Hoards of them.
It's sort of their own personal business and between them and their parents. I don't get why people seem to get offended by this. Once you're out of HS parents shouldn't feel obligated to support their kids financially, but if they want to then it's their own business.
I agree with this and there is no set age because every family situation is different. This is nothing unusual these days and this would be personal matters between families and not for the general public to have a say so about.
This is my first thread here and it's based on pure curiosity. I come from a lower class background but have worked hard and paid my own way through college and now live comfortably. It comes as a surprise to me to hear many of my coworkers/acquaintances (majority white btw) tell me how their parents have or still are helping them pay for their rent and other living expenses. And i dont mean 18 - 22 year olds who are still in school. I mean 25-30 year olds who live in nicer neighborhoods and are eating out or drinking at bars very often. It is such a foreign concept for to me understand being an adult and living a carefree lifestyle while still depending on your parent's help.
So my question is, how old were you when your parents finally cut you off? And how much help did they provide? All rent and bills? I'm not asking so that I can turn around and judge people. I simply want to understand something that is not common to me. Maybe this is the norm and i'm the exception.
Thanks.
The day I left the house is the day they stopped paying for me. I was 17. I have never had them pay my way through anything; rent, bills, cars, nothing. I've done it on my own. My brothers, on the other hand, did get their entire expensive college years paid for, plus cars...oh, and the older one got a television as a graduation present. I got an alarm clock.
It is strange...but at the same time, it sure would have made things a whole lot easier. Oh well, I made it.
I think it's pretty ironic that some of the poster's in this thread are so hardcore about how adult children should be self-sufficient, and parents today enable their adult children, and yet they have really good excuses about why they are financially supporting their adult children!!!!
I personally think each family should do what works for them, but why level criticism at others without knowing what is going on in that family, particularly when you yourself are doing what you are poo-pooing.
The day I left the house is the day they stopped paying for me. I was 17. I have never had them pay my way through anything; rent, bills, cars, nothing. I've done it on my own. My brothers, on the other hand, did get their entire expensive college years paid for, plus cars...oh, and the older one got a television as a graduation present. I got an alarm clock.
It is strange...but at the same time, it sure would have made things a whole lot easier. Oh well, I made it.
LOL are we living parallel lives? This was exactly my experience (except I was 19).
The interesting thing is, now that I'm 52 and my brother is 42, you can really tell a difference - in my favor. We look the same age - in fact, he looks older than me. I'm healthier, and completely self sufficient. I have had a successful career. He hasn't. He sucked the lifeblood out of my parents till they finally - FINALLY - had had enough (sort of - they still haven't completely worked through all the dysfunctional enabling but I am proud of them when I say they're actually aware of the dysfunction at least and are slowly getting their heads on straight).
I've had a much happier, much more successful life - and not just financially. I wouldn't trade places with him for ANYTHING.
I think it's pretty ironic that some of the poster's in this thread are so hardcore about how adult children should be self-sufficient, and parents today enable their adult children, and yet they have really good excuses about why they are financially supporting their adult children!!!!
I personally think each family should do what works for them, but why level criticism at others without knowing what is going on in that family, particularly when you yourself are doing what you are poo-pooing.
I'm not sure who this is directed towards, but it can certainly be a challenge sometimes. Depending on the adult child and the circumstances, it's sometimes more difficult to one child to the point of being self sufficient than another child, even in the same family. It's a process but self sufficiency is certainly the ultimate goal.
I think it's appalling some people are acting like parents are terrible people for wanting their adult children to eventually achieve self sufficiency. That's the critical position I'm seeing here. It's not horrible to pick and choose specific instances to help and not help. I'm more the type who walks along the fine line of slowly weaning with the goal of self sufficiency. My weaning isn't turning my back on my children (as someone accused me), but choosing moments where I say "this particular thing is now your responsibility" in an attempt to push them towards it.
When you have a child who can't make it from pay check to pay check due to poor budgeting and crazy spending habits without thinking about upcoming expenses, you can't keep throwing money at the problem for eternity. They can't learn if they are always bailed out. That doesn't mean turning a back and cutting off a child. It means you'll decide what particular type of help you'll provide and when it will be provided or not, but you'll always be there when it's absolutely necessary.
I'm not sure who this is directed towards, but it can certainly be a challenge sometimes. Depending on the adult child and the circumstances, it's sometimes more difficult to one child to the point of being self sufficient than another child, even in the same family. It's a process but self sufficiency is certainly the ultimate goal.
I think it's appalling some people are acting like parents are terrible people for wanting their adult children to eventually achieve self sufficiency. That's the critical position I'm seeing here. It's not horrible to pick and choose specific instances to help and not help. I'm more the type who walks along the fine line of slowly weaning with the goal of self sufficiency. My weaning isn't turning my back on my children (as someone accused me), but choosing moments where I say "this particular thing is now your responsibility" in an attempt to push them towards it.
When you have a child who can't make it from pay check to pay check due to poor budgeting and crazy spending habits without thinking about upcoming expenses, you can't keep throwing money at the problem for eternity. They can't learn if they are always bailed out. That doesn't mean turning a back and cutting off a child. It means you'll decide what particular type of help you'll provide and when it will be provided or not, but you'll always be there when it's absolutely necessary.
Right on.
I have one son of my four kids who has made poor decisions financially and with his life in general. This makes me sad, but I also know that I've given him opportunities to turn things around and he has chosen not to.
He is 24 and has lived on his own since he was about 19 - he could have lived with me and gone to college but he didn't want to abide by the rules of my house (basically - don't do drugs in my house). So...
Long story short, he moved to Austin and has been working in bars since then - living the high life for awhile, but reality has a way of kicking in.
I will say something in his favor - he doesn't mind working, and he never has. He's a hard worker and very dependable. His co workers and bosses always enjoy working with him, but there's just not a lot of OPPORTUNITY for him, with no college and no experience outside of restaurants/bars and...oh yes, most employers would insist on drug screening and he won't pass that test. He has no intention of passing it (by the way, we're only talking about MJ - not something truly addictive or hard core).
OK - so - I know he's working lots of hours. He's paying his own bills and always has. He's self sufficient, even if I don't agree with his choices, and that's OK. We have a decent relationship - we talk about once a month, communicate back and forth on FB, and see each other for a few days at a time about once a quarter.
He had an unexpected expense of $300 recently - and he just didn't have the money. Now - I know he "would have had the money" if he wasn't buying weed and partying like he does. But he had literally never asked me for money before. I gave it to him - but I told him he had to listen to my speech first. I told him that at age 24, a grown man living on his own, $300 shouldn't put you in the poorhouse asking your mama for rent money, and that in this current situation, this was the first and last time I was going to help him financially, because it was worth $300 to me to get him to pay attention to what I was saying. I offered to help him get his real estate license (he is a natural born salesman) or his CDL - when he gets his tax return. I told him that he would have to pay for it up front, but I would reimburse him when he graduated/passed the exam. I think that's a pretty good offer.
So far he hasn't taken me up on it. If he calls me again needing money, I am going to tell him no.
...but there's just not a lot of OPPORTUNITY for him, with no college and no experience outside of restaurants/bars and...oh yes, most employers would insist on drug screening and he won't pass that test. He has no intention of passing it (by the way, we're only talking about MJ - not something truly addictive or hard core).
The irony is college is the solution to the lifestyle he wants. Many professional positions don't require drug tests. And he'd have plenty of money to buy his MJ.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
I offered to help him get his real estate license (he is a natural born salesman) or his CDL - when he gets his tax return. I told him that he would have to pay for it up front, but I would reimburse him when he graduated/passed the exam. I think that's a pretty good offer.
So far he hasn't taken me up on it. If he calls me again needing money, I am going to tell him no.
He'll find his way. He's a hard worker and he's not doing hard drugs.
Mine has shown significant improvement this year. His main problem is he gets paid huge chunks of money. He makes a fortune compared to other people his age. Heck, he makes more than my husband. Since his problem was only budgeting (not low income), he wasn't going to learn how to manage it if we bailed him out from the little things. He will always have a place to stay and food to eat (of course no young adult wants to stay with parents lol). He'll always have medical care. Tuition is waiting for him when he's ready to finish the last two years of college. Someday I'll gift him with a car because I feel driving is super important for his future.
This is where I drew the line. He can make it four days until payday living off whatever is left in his pantry. He doesn't need money so he can go out to a restaurant with his friends or whatever. It's essentially the same as blowing money on MJ. Why the hell should we make it easier for them to have fun when they make plenty of money to not only survive but live a comfortable life? They need to learn that their money should go towards necessities before they spend it on the frills. He is making progress. This year he paid his lease in full so he wouldn't have to bother with paying rent.
I have parents who help pay the bills but with strings attached.. and will pay regardless of whether you want it or not. I ended up cutting them off around 26-27 (was not easy, we got into fights over this.)
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