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Hi guys. My husband and I we have a daughter, aged 7 and a baby on the way. I will tell you right now that our daugter still co-sleeps with us and is babied/coddled by us. She is not allowed to watch any TV and spends time on computers only at school. In other words, she is a 7 year old that still talks like a little girl, doesn't mouth off, says please and thank you, and plays with toys all day long (when not at school). She would rather play with a toy or play outdoors than watch TV or use devices any day of the week.
My brother has 2 kids, aged 7 and 10. His kids have been raised the opposite, like adults, from day one. They know all the latest ADULT-THEMED TV shows and movies, they spend hours a day on the computer, they say things like "I already know that you don't have to tell me" and are generally obnoxious kids who act like they are 16 or 17 years old. They do not like to play, they like to be involved in all the adult activities and conversations b/c they think they are adults and that is how their parents treat them. They sulk when they don't get what they want, they go around saying "I'm bored" unless they are on the computer, they barely go outside, etc.
The last time my brother, his wife and his kids came to visit (they live an hour away and visit several times a year) my husband barely spoke to the kids b/c he "can't stand those arrogant, know-it-all kids" and how my brother doesn't correct them. I guess what my husband considers rude, my brother and his wife think is "cool" b/c the kids speak like near-adults. They can have conversations with adults about pop culture and the news b/c these kids are exposed to all of it (in contrast, my daughter doesn't even know what an "app" is). These kids are very verbally advanced and say things like "the food you make is disgusting" (to me). One day when I was watching an episode of Breaking Bad the 7 year old girl barges in to my bedroom and says, "Breaking Bad is soooooo OVER", etc.
My questions are:
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct the rude and arrogant behavior of these kids when they come stay with us?
I think if your brother manages to keep his mouth shut about the way you are raising your daughter, then you should keep quiet also. Believe it or not, some of us like his way better than yours, and I imagine he does too. Seems to me that the compromise is that you learn to be a little more open-minded and accept that your way is not always right. If your husband doesn't want to speak to the kids, then he can avoid them, but as long as your brother is being kind to your daughter and polite to your husband, he should try his best to be polite also. That's generally what we all do when family visits, even though it's pretty hard sometimes.
Last edited by Jaded; 01-29-2014 at 12:32 AM..
Reason: Removed inappropriate remark
This sounds like just a basic parenting clash. I don't think either of you are wrong or right, just very different ideas of parenting.
IMO nothing wrong with correcting behaviour in your home. My children are expected to respect and listen to their aunt (my sister) just as they would me. And if she is being disrespected, she has full reign to deal with it (assuming I am not there). They are old enough to respect the rules of your home. Maybe it's worth sitting down and discussing house rules.
Maybe you,your husband,your brother and his wife should sit down and have a long talk. I am not real fond of either of your parenting styles. Correcting the kids when they come to your house may just confuse them if the rules are quite different from those at home.
^^^ terrific post Swanlady. I agree with everything except the final paragraph. In the OP's house, she should not have to tolerate rudeness on the part of a child, or an adult. If her brother and SIL don't speak up, she has every right to, although I would advise doing so in a non-confrontational manner.
That's a good point. Certainly, rudeness toward the OP and her family should not be tolerated -- the comment about the food being disgusting should have been dealt with by a parent, but if not, a non-confrontational correction by the OP is totally fine.
Hi guys. My husband and I we have a daughter, aged 7 and a baby on the way. I will tell you right now that our daugter still co-sleeps with us and is babied/coddled by us. She is not allowed to watch any TV and spends time on computers only at school. In other words, she is a 7 year old that still talks like a little girl, doesn't mouth off, says please and thank you, and plays with toys all day long (when not at school). She would rather play with a toy or play outdoors than watch TV or use devices any day of the week.
My brother has 2 kids, aged 7 and 10. His kids have been raised the opposite, like adults, from day one. They know all the latest ADULT-THEMED TV shows and movies, they spend hours a day on the computer, they say things like "I already know that you don't have to tell me" and are generally obnoxious kids who act like they are 16 or 17 years old. They do not like to play, they like to be involved in all the adult activities and conversations b/c they think they are adults and that is how their parents treat them. They sulk when they don't get what they want, they go around saying "I'm bored" unless they are on the computer, they barely go outside, etc.
The last time my brother, his wife and his kids came to visit (they live an hour away and visit several times a year) my husband barely spoke to the kids b/c he "can't stand those arrogant, know-it-all kids" and how my brother doesn't correct them. I guess what my husband considers rude, my brother and his wife think is "cool" b/c the kids speak like near-adults. They can have conversations with adults about pop culture and the news b/c these kids are exposed to all of it (in contrast, my daughter doesn't even know what an "app" is). These kids are very verbally advanced and say things like "the food you make is disgusting" (to me). One day when I was watching an episode of Breaking Bad the 7 year old girl barges in to my bedroom and says, "Breaking Bad is soooooo OVER", etc.
My questions are:
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct the rude and arrogant behavior of these kids when they come stay with us?
My suggestion is that you cut ties completely. If you don't want your kids "exposed" to their cousins, then there's nothing more to discuss, is there?
Correcting the kids when they come to your house may just confuse them if the rules are quite different from those at home.
Kids are much smarter than you think. They can understand very well that behavior needs to be adjusted for different environments. That's why the wildest of children are capable of sitting properly in church. They're even able to understand that one of their parents permits something and another doesn't. I assure you there are different rules at their friends' houses. Confused? Highly unlikely.
Maybe you,your husband,your brother and his wife should sit down and have a long talk. I am not real fond of either of your parenting styles. Correcting the kids when they come to your house may just confuse them if the rules are quite different from those at home.
These kids are old enough to understand that rules are different at different homes. They are 7 and 10, not 2. I was friends with some kids who were uber-religious and their mother did not approve of certain language/behaviours in her home - so we were just advised to not do that in her home, or she sent us away. No harm done, these kids are old enough to respect house rules, whatever rules they may be at whatever house.
Kids are much smarter than you think. They can understand very well thatbehavior needs to be adjusted for different environments. That's why the wildest of children are capable of sitting properly in church. They're even able to understand that one of their parents permits something and another doesn't. I assure you there are different rules at their friends' houses. Confused? Highly unlikely.
Even very young children can understand that behavior that is acceptable outside at recess on the playground is not acceptable in the classroom or in the school library. Most elementary age children easily understand that different friends have different "house rules" and abide by those house rules (or aren't invited back).
These kids are old enough to understand that rules are different at different homes. They are 7 and 10, not 2. I was friends with some kids who were uber-religious and their mother did not approve of certain language/behaviours in her home - so we were just advised to not do that in her home, or she sent us away. No harm done, these kids are old enough to respect house rules, whatever rules they may be at whatever house.
That's true, but given the extreme the OP has gone to in the opposite direction, she and her husband may think anything at all expressed by those kids is rude and arrogant. Normal behavior or not. Might be really confusing if they're just acting like themselves.
I'm all for politeness. But then there's tiptoeing. I reckon if I were the brother in question there'd be a lot of tiptoeing going on while in my sister and BIL's house.
That's true, but given the extreme the OP has gone to in the opposite direction, she and her husband may think anything at all expressed by those kids is rude and arrogant. Normal behavior or not. Might be really confusing if they're just acting like themselves.
I'm all for politeness. But then there's tiptoeing. I reckon if I were the brother in question there'd be a lot of tiptoeing going on while in my sister and BIL's house.
True enough.
Of course all of this could be avoided if the OP gets a backbone and tells them that she doesn't want them there, because she has clearly stated that she doesn't, but is a conflict-avoider.
That's true, but given the extreme the OP has gone to in the opposite direction, she and her husband may think anything at all expressed by those kids is rude and arrogant. Normal behavior or not. Might be really confusing if they're just acting like themselves.
I'm all for politeness. But then there's tiptoeing. I reckon if I were the brother in question there'd be a lot of tiptoeing going on while in my sister and BIL's house.
Although, I agree that the OP may be a little less tolerant of normal childish behavior IMHO it is never acceptable for a 7 or 10 year old child to openly call the food made by their aunt "disgusting" or to barge into the aunt's bedroom and criticize the television show that the aunt is watching in private. Those are not acceptable behaviors by any child.
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Maybe you,your husband,your brother and his wife should sit down and have a long talk. I am not real fond of either of your parenting styles. Correcting the kids when they come to your house may just confuse them if the rules are quite different from those at home.
