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I debated quite a bit if this post belongs to here or the Psychology forum and finally decided to post it here.
I have a 14 year old daughter who goes to a public school. She has a classmate (I assign the friend a fake name, say Mandy) that she recently brought Mandy home the first time last week and they hang out at our place for a few hours. Mandy seems like a nice girl, she has manners. My daughter says Mandy comes from an underprivileged family, and she does not do well in most of her classes (they only have one class together that is Art). They enjoy their friendship because I think they are both lighthearted, humurous, and not girly like some other 14 year old teens. All is well so far, however, I realized that Mandy lies (my daughter confirms that too). The reason we realized that her stories lack consistency and off the wall at times.
I am not quite sure the best way to handle this. Shall I hint that I am not buying it or say flat out we do not lie in our house or just ignore it ? Other than her vivid made-up stories, she is a good kid. I tend to think that she might be making up stories to shield herself psychologically from a lifestyle she does not like.
I wouldn't challenge Mandy, unless the lies are harmful to others. As long as your daughter sees through her stories, and still enjoys her company, let her take the lead on this.
I wouldn't challenge Mandy, unless the lies are harmful to others. As long as your daughter sees through her stories, and still enjoys her company, let her take the lead on this.
Mandy's lies are not harmful (I should have mentioned in this in my original post), just a bunch of stories such as "I have diabetes" (Mandy does not, however, my daughter is Type 1 diabetic). "My aunt's cat lived for 100 years". "I have a puppy and we sleep together" (She does not have a dog)...etc. And, boy, she elaborates on those stories.
When my daughter's friends are telling obvious lies, sometimes I'll say (in a light, friendly way) "What a good imagination you have! You should try writing some stories."
I think kids are more likely to make up stories like that when they're feeling insecure.
Mandy's lies are not harmful (I should have mentioned in this in my original post), just a bunch of stories such as "I have diabetes" (Mandy does not, however, my daughter is Type 1 diabetic). "My aunt's cat lived for 100 years". "I have a puppy and we sleep together" (She does not have a dog)...etc. And, boy, she elaborates on those stories.
I wouldn't be too worried about it, although it does seem a little odd for a 14 year old. My daughter had a friend who spun "tall tales" about vacations, expensive toys, fancy clothes and things that she desired, but she was age 5 to 9 when she said those things. It was more wishful thinking as her parent was a single Mom with a very low income living in a very bad neighborhood. OTOH, my daughter had to stop being friends with her outside of school as she would frequently "borrow without telling us" (ie. steal) toys, video games or expensive items when she had a play date at our house. Due to the frequent gun fire in her neighborhood we preferred that I pick her up and she play at our house instead of my daughter playing at her house. So, maybe the "tall tales" were a hint of future problems.
I suggest acknowledging that you suspect these are exaggerations by occasionally saying something like, "that would be wonderful if a cat lived 100 years" or " I'm sure that it would be fun to have a puppy to sleep with". You wouldn't be directly contradicting her but if may stop her from making up and telling you more and more far fetched stories.
When my daughter's friends are telling obvious lies, sometimes I'll say (in a light, friendly way) "What a good imagination you have! You should try writing some stories."
I think kids are more likely to make up stories like that when they're feeling insecure.
I know this person who is a parent, and she lies constantly. Stretches the truth. I've decided that about 60-70% of what she says is the truth, about 30-40% is fabrication.
She is raising a daughter, and I'm sure that her daughter will be exactly the same way. Fabricate the parts of the story that need to be fabricated so the whole thing makes sense, or tears at the heartstrings, or whatever.....
The sad thing is the mom actually believes the fabrications that she makes up after she tells them enough times.
I don't think there is anything you can do about Mandy.
I know this person who is a parent, and she lies constantly. Stretches the truth. I've decided that about 60-70% of what she says is the truth, about 30-40% is fabrication.
She is raising a daughter, and I'm sure that her daughter will be exactly the same way. Fabricate the parts of the story that need to be fabricated so the whole thing makes sense, or tears at the heartstrings, or whatever.....
The sad thing is the mom actually believes the fabrications that she makes up after she tells them enough times.
I don't think there is anything you can do about Mandy.
Since the girl is only 14, I think it might not be too late.
You can gently remind them of reality. I don't know exactly how pathological liars start out but I think that no one ever brought them in line early on -- they get some kind of rewards from telling whoppers or they begin to think everyone believes them. Someone should clue them in fairly early that their stories are too far fetched.
Since the girl is only 14, I think it might not be too late.
You can gently remind them of reality. I don't know exactly how pathological liars start out but I think that no one ever brought them in line early on -- they get some kind of rewards from telling whoppers or they begin to think everyone believes them. Someone should clue them in fairly early that their stories are too far fetched.
there is a point where it is too late and teens bad habits are set in stone.
Think about it, did the liars in high school ever grow out of it? Probably not.
the worst liars are the ones that have the unique ability to fool a large amount of people, but a few of those people know what is really going on......and when they try to expose the story/teller, they are rejected.
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