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Old 02-13-2014, 07:40 PM
 
3,086 posts, read 7,596,956 times
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I'm going to go in a different direction and suggest that you have a sit down discussion with your son's father, without your son, about parenting styles and explain your parenting philosophy. Tell him that after you discuss your parenting philosophy you would like him to discuss his. (Note-you must be fully prepared to discuss your style and if you are not real sure what it is, then this won't be very effective)

First part you talk about your expectations you have for your son. Next you talk about how you handle it when those expectations are being met or not being met. These might include behavior, chores, school, nutrition, religion, medical and discipline.

Then it's his turn. You might find that he hasn't really thought about it in this manner and that his parenting has been a reaction based on the way he was parented.

Next would come discussions of specific examples that you have concern over, like school and homework. I imagine you expect your son to do and turn in his homework. I also figure that at age 6 your son is still learning how everything works with school and still needs guidance. Your parenting philosophy would likely be to help him learn how to be responsible and how to deal with the consequence if he fails at being responsible. In this case, the natural consequence of not turning in homework is getting a mark in his conduct folder and a lower grade.

If that doesn't bring about improvement, then the next logical step in a discipline plan would be to work out a system between your son, his teacher, you and now his dad to ensure that homework does get turned in. This may be daily communication between home and school with everyone putting forth a little more effort to help him learn to be responsible.

If he still has not shown improvement, then perhaps you discuss a negative consequence he receives at school, since that is where he needs to improve. Maybe he has to miss recess for not turning in homework repeatedly.

At this point if there is no improvement, then it would be appropriate for a negative consequence at home. (Note I said consequence not punishment) For instance...IF he doesn't turn in his homework, THEN he has to sit and re-do his homework at home and do additional homework. This becomes his choice. IF he chooses to not turn it in THEN he has chosen to do it over and have more to do.

Here is where you are explaining the goal of teaching him to be responsible and how to go about it. This gives you the opportunity to explain that spanking is counter to teaching him what he needs to do, therefore it is not part of your parenting style. You could then ask him to not include it in his as well. You will probably have to inform him that the spanking made his son fear him and not want to visit him again, something you are sure he does not want his son to feel.

Anyway, the point is to explain the hows and whys of your parenting philosophy and try to get yours and his to mesh well together. Maybe he might even be willing to take a parenting class.......if he is trying after all this time to be a dad, maybe he really wants to be a good one but doesn't know how?
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Old 02-13-2014, 07:45 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,973,359 times
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I am glad you are going to see a lawyer.

How does your son feel about the issue? Have you asked him if he wants to keep spending time with the guy (I'm not going to call him dad) if that involves continued spanking?

It might also be good to discuss the possibility that he will do other things, too, in the future -- yell, or shame your son, or hit harder -- and how you two might want to handle that.

Your son is young for this, but boundaries are an important skill to learn. Deciding what is worth putting up with and what is not, in relationships.

Heck, you and son could even talk first, and then talk together with dad, about types of punishment your son feels work for him. Again, he is young for this but he might have some useful input.
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:08 PM
 
2,098 posts, read 2,489,960 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frustrated Hippy View Post
I'm honestly trying not to let it be about control... I mean, I feel betrayed that my ex would use physical discipline like that without asking me, but that's less about me being controlling and me looking out for DS. He's sensitive and he honestly doesn't understand why what happened occurred, though ex "claims" he was nice and explained to him why he was getting punished.
I don't think it sounds like you are trying to be controlling. Nor does it really sound like your ex is either. You both sound pretty level-headed and reasonable, from your description--just that you differ on this issue. I think some posters are making this guy out to be a monster for spanking, but honestly, some households do spank. Most of us were probably raised with spanking too. My thought to consider is merely that there may be influences at play that come from both parties feeling a lack of control over their role as parent without either having intention to be controlling at all.

Obviously you want him to get your input before making any parenting choice. I would imagine he has the exact same feeling--and probably feels a bit threatened that you likely wouldn't come to HIM to ask his permission about anything. You'd just do it. As if you somehow have more right to make an executive decision about a child who is as much a part of him as a part of you. And of course you feel like that. It's natural to feel possessive and protective and be willing to do anything in the world to keep your child safe. This is just infinitely more difficult when the two people who are that's child parent both feel the same way and aren't in a healthy, functioning relationship where they can come to agreement on difficult issues. You haven't had the practice and pattern of doing that in a relationship and are both used to doing your own thing without having to consider the other. And whether or not some on here argue he's nothing more relevant than mom's new boyfriend... that's just not true. He's your son's father every bit as much as you are his mother. That ship has already sailed. It's done. Deciding he can't see the boy if he doesn't agree to this or that may not even be on the table. You guys can sit down and hammer out an agreement and get lawyers involved, and that may wind up being the best course. But I would advise what another poster suggested first. Just sit down and have a talk together. Talk about parenting. Talk about your mutual son. And not a talk where you tell him how it's going to be, but one where both listen to the other. If you want him to be willing to bend on this, what are you willing to bend for him? To do his way even when it's completely against yours? If you two are reasonable, then perhaps you could find some common ground based on shared goals for your son, and the discussion could be broached based on wanting to be consistent in the two households.
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:56 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,832,925 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
I don't think it sounds like you are trying to be controlling. Nor does it really sound like your ex is either. You both sound pretty level-headed and reasonable, from your description--just that you differ on this issue. I think some posters are making this guy out to be a monster for spanking, but honestly, some households do spank. Most of us were probably raised with spanking too. My thought to consider is merely that there may be influences at play that come from both parties feeling a lack of control over their role as parent without either having intention to be controlling at all.

Obviously you want him to get your input before making any parenting choice. I would imagine he has the exact same feeling--and probably feels a bit threatened that you likely wouldn't come to HIM to ask his permission about anything. You'd just do it. As if you somehow have more right to make an executive decision about a child who is as much a part of him as a part of you. And of course you feel like that. It's natural to feel possessive and protective and be willing to do anything in the world to keep your child safe. This is just infinitely more difficult when the two people who are that's child parent both feel the same way and aren't in a healthy, functioning relationship where they can come to agreement on difficult issues. You haven't had the practice and pattern of doing that in a relationship and are both used to doing your own thing without having to consider the other. And whether or not some on here argue he's nothing more relevant than mom's new boyfriend... that's just not true. He's your son's father every bit as much as you are his mother. That ship has already sailed. It's done. Deciding he can't see the boy if he doesn't agree to this or that may not even be on the table. You guys can sit down and hammer out an agreement and get lawyers involved, and that may wind up being the best course. But I would advise what another poster suggested first. Just sit down and have a talk together. Talk about parenting. Talk about your mutual son. And not a talk where you tell him how it's going to be, but one where both listen to the other. If you want him to be willing to bend on this, what are you willing to bend for him? To do his way even when it's completely against yours? If you two are reasonable, then perhaps you could find some common ground based on shared goals for your son, and the discussion could be broached based on wanting to be consistent in the two households.
It's not an issue of him not being "more relevant than mom's new boyfriend"... you completely distorted what I was saying. Just because he is the biological father didn't mean he's the Father-- how could he? He's been involved in the boy's life less than a year now-- he has to develop that relationship.

Spanking is not the way to go at this time... and this is coming from someone who does support corporal punishment (as the last resort)-- I don't agree with his reasoning for spanking. It's wrong and he obviously doesn't understand child development. Spanking because the boy asked about the early bedtime? How is that not a power trip?
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:58 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,392,350 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
He already is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Oh hell no. It's been 5 yrs, and now the biological dad wants to get involved with raising his son, and disciplining in a manner the mother does not approve of? OP, I'd bank the child custody payments, and seek legal counsel. I understand you are facing a situation where the biological father is an attorney, and he won't have the same expenses, but your son is going to be the victim here.

A 5 yr old, being spanked over homework? Ridiculous. Stop the visitation, and let the school know the father has no legal rights to information at this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
This is the correct answer.
+1 for all of these.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
Do you understand that the father has the LEGAL RIGHT to parent his child the way he chooses? I don't agree with his methods, personally, but if she decided to just stop visitation over this? You bet lawyer dad will have her in court for contempt. What happened in the past is a shame, but that doesn't change our OP's unfortunate co-parenting reality.
Not necessarily so re contempt of court. They have no legal agreement. My bet is he returned to justify not having his child support raised if/when he salary increases. If he can establish he's a true 50% parent, then the courts will automatically give joint custody of the child and his support is definitely affected by this percentage of time and type of custody.

Her reality is she's being played by "lawyer dad." And she needs to stop playing his game. Take him to court. OP, tell your attorney that your child has suffered trauma due to the spankings by his "new" father; show the teacher's note. Describe his new behavior. He is not your husband and was absent for FIVE years!

I would not discuss this with the father...quite frankly, he never bothered to discuss his and your parenting styles (and neither did you for that matter) so it's too late in the game for that. He's not going to change and now you have to deal with your son being angry and resentful towards you. Please don't try to build a pseudo-family with your ex; it ain't gonna happen. I suggest you treat him like the donor he is.

His visitations need to be supervised and limited. Your ex made his bed, as lumpy as it may be, he needs to lie in it. Your son deserves better! And I say this as someone who is not opposed to spankings.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:00 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,392,350 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Spanking is not the way to go at this time... and this is coming from someone who does support corporal punishment-- I don't agree with his reasoning for spanking. It's wrong and he obviously doesn't understand child development. Spanking because the boy asked about the early bedtime? How is that not a power trip?
+1 again.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:10 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,392,350 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frustrated Hippy View Post
Years ago I meet a guy on OkCupid. We start hooking up. He had other women and I knew that. We were never in a relationship, just hooking up. He was a person that never wanted kids and was adamantly against them. Funnily enough, looking back a bunch of his questions on his profile at the time talked about how much he hated "brats" and such. Lol. When asked how he felt about children he said, "I'd abort the next Einstein."
OP, please re-read this (from your OP), esp. the bolded part. This guy should not be in your child's life, and honestly, you knew that before DS was born. Hate to sound like a broken record but...get an attorney and get to court!
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Warren, OH
2,744 posts, read 4,218,931 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
Well, you name me one state where a father is not legally allowed to spank his child, as described by OP. If she wants to take him to court then she is within her right to do so, but telling her to stop visitation is a path to contempt charge.

I'm quite anti-spanking myself, but being an absent father in the past doesn't change that he is an active father now, who has legal rights. And you know darn well that he knows this, if he is a lawyer himself.

NY State. Downstate, any way.

In other more progressive states it depends on the CPS worker. I had clients who had children removed over spanking.

I'm not personally opposed to a swat on the bottom under certain circumstances, but you asked for a state and I gave you one. It's not against the law, but if someone calls CPS on you for spanking and you live in downstate NY, get an attorney.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:29 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,089,258 times
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I agree with those who say go to court and make everything legal. I also wanted to suggest that the ex only be given visitation on weekends or school breaks. It won't solve all of your problems, but it will provide consistency for you son to sleep in the same place on school nights, have the same home work routine, etc. Normally I think it sucks when dads get the weekends and moms have to deal with the serious stuff, but in this unique case, I think it might be better.
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Old 02-13-2014, 10:30 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,973,359 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
His visitations need to be supervised and limited.
I think you should strongly consider this.

I am not a lawyer. But it sounds like you think this might be headed to court, eventually, and I imagine that the judge will look seriously at what you agreed to before court.

If you continue letting him have unsupervised time with your son , you may find yourself obligated to allow that forever. But if you switch to supervised time only, you are sending a clear message not only to the guy, but also to a future court, that you don't feel comfortable sharing custody just yet.

You can always switch to shared custody later, but I doubt you can go back if you allow it now and then later there is a problem. And I am not sure how this man's need for physical control and violence is going to play out.

How your son is punished will affect what kind of man he grows into. It is a big deal, and I think you should hang onto your right to decide it.
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