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Old 03-10-2014, 04:16 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,431,937 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I really hate this "tit-for-tat" type of discipline. Instead of attempting to find out what is really bothering the girl, and I think something must be, the mother is being urged to act like a 15 yr old in retaliation.

I would guess chances of her just "snapping out of it" are virtually nil. She hasn't blinked at losing her phone, computer, or freedom.
I do. My dad sure would not have groveled and started praising me if I treated everyone in the house like crap. There would have been no "oh you poor little darling, what might be bothering you, how can we make it better for you" if any of us bullied younger ones.

With privilege comes responsibility. That's the way it was for us. You can call it tit for tat. I don't reward bratty behavior.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:17 PM
 
Location: here
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Originally Posted by adventuregurl View Post
Did you even read her post?
Apparently I didn't finish it. Sorry.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,678 posts, read 41,521,125 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auntie77 View Post
Boyfriend should not be set up to play daddy. You set him up for failure with that
Especially for a teenager. What is her relationship with her actual father? She may be more receptive to him if he's willing to help. I just remember myself at that age and sad to say it but my non-custodial dad saying "your grades suck" got my attention more than my mom saying it and her BF at the time I would not have listened to at all.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:27 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,806,553 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
I do. My dad sure would not have groveled and started praising me if I treated everyone in the house like crap. There would have been no "oh you poor little darling, what might be bothering you, how can we make it better for you" if any of us bullied younger ones.

With privilege comes responsibility. That's the way it was for us. You can call it tit for tat. I don't reward bratty behavior.
I agree that a parent shouldn't reward bratty behavior. However, a parent can create a positive environment where good behavior is rewarded instead of adding negativity to an already contentious situation.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:39 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,431,937 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I agree that a parent shouldn't reward bratty behavior. However, a parent can create a positive environment where good behavior is rewarded instead of adding negativity to an already contentious situation.
Yes and I would reward good attitudes. When the attitude changes, privileges return. None of mine were very bad, it seemed that by age 15 ir 16 they get nicer. By that age they need to start realizing a good relationship requires effort on their part.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:42 PM
 
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sounds like your girl is about to turn into the same teenage girl that sued her parents for tuition and $650/week support

I'd say kick her out.... that'll show her how harsh real life is.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:55 PM
 
13,291 posts, read 9,813,209 times
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Originally Posted by Tcoma11 View Post
sounds like your girl is about to turn into the same teenage girl that sued her parents for tuition and $650/week support

I'd say kick her out.... that'll show her how harsh real life is.
Oh for goodness' sake. We only have one side of the story here. The mother herself loses her crap and screams and physically pulls the child around, which in itself is bratty behavior not worthy of respect.

Teenage girls can be hit particularly hard by the breakup of their parents. Some do very badly with new men acting like head of household. There may be a VERY good reason why she's exhibiting his kind of behavior.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:56 PM
 
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Sometimes only dishing out punishments (negatives) make kids and adults more angry and stubborn. Does she like animals? Maybe some volunteering would do her some good, say at a good animal shelter in your area. If she starts volunteering her attitude might change some, perhaps work out a deal where she can gradually earn back her privileges. She may also learn some skills in dog grooming and volunteer work can be used when she begins looking for part time work. They even successfully use caring for animals in some prisons, such as the Madison Womens Correctional Facility and it does seem to help their attitude.
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:22 PM
 
53 posts, read 63,316 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todd00 View Post
Sometimes only dishing out punishments (negatives) make kids and adults more angry and stubborn. Does she like animals? Maybe some volunteering would do her some good, say at a good animal shelter in your area. If she starts volunteering her attitude might change some, perhaps work out a deal where she can gradually earn back her privileges. She may also learn some skills in dog grooming and volunteer work can be used when she begins looking for part time work. They even successfully use caring for animals in some prisons, such as the Madison Womens Correctional Facility and it does seem to help their attitude.
What a great suggestion!
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Old 03-10-2014, 11:48 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,267,001 times
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1) Counseling, so you can learn how to communicate better with your kid. Frankly, this "Yay, you've got a new Daddy!" scenario is likely the root of this extreme rebellion. Even if she likes the guy, that doesn't mean she wants him as her father and shoehorning him into that role is violating some serious boundaries. You can't force that kind of relationship. If you can, work more closely with her ACTUAL father on co-parenting her (possibly enlisting the therapist's help). This vacation daddy scenario is next to useless. And yes, your younger daughter should also be in therapy.

2) Also use the counseling to help figure out if there is something else going on in her life that may be causing these reactions. I was being terribly bullied in school when I was 15 - who knows how I would have treated a younger sibling if I'd had one?

3) Pulling her up and screaming at her just makes you look foolish in her eyes. Stop it. And don't strip her room, for God's sake - at least not without talking with a therapist. If this is bona fide depression, you will just shove her further over the edge. My mother still to this day does not know how much her punishments when I was in my deepest pits almost put me out of commission entirely - I knew where the guns and the bullets were in the house, let's just say, and it was just a matter of working up the courage to end things. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, do not send her to freakin' military school. Jesus H. Christ, that is positively asinine. I know multiple people who have been through that, and the end result was generally messy. In your daughter's case, it would be extreme overkill. However, DO figure out the hierarchy of what she values and yank stuff accordingly. Restore it when she complies. Look, the thing you learn with dogs is to reward at the slightest sign of positive behavior - so when she does something good, no matter how small, you give her back something correspondingly small. You can't make the situatoin seem hopeless - she won't even try.

4) Moderator Cut. Today's children are not demons incarnate. They do not need the crap slapped out of them. They need parents who are consistent parents and stable situations. They need clearly defined boundaries, limits and expectations. They need responsibilities, consequences and and guidance. I went to private school - the people who were the spoiled morons were the ones who faced no consequences and had no responsibilities. Their parents were self-indulgent and often absent. The kids were showered with luxuries they had done nothing to earn. It was like watching a re-enactment of the last days of the Roman Empire. Community service, a job, household responsibilities - these should all be part of your daughter's life right now.

Look, your kid works hard and does well in school. She's not working on being a burnout. She's invested in her future. She needs you to be her guide, not her adversary. What you're seeing now is what I believe is the rebellion of a girl who feels very frustrated but wants to succeed in life - she doesn't want to go off the rails, but she has all this frustration/anger/sadness to express (what teenager doesn't, really?) and the only way to do it at this point is to lash out at the people closest to her.

Last edited by Jaded; 03-11-2014 at 02:48 AM.. Reason: Rude and inappropriate
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