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People talk about a balanced life, but I don't know anyone with a 'balanced' life. I know people (women) who try to work and have hobbies other than their children, but who struggle with guilt over not doing as much as they think they should for their kids, or stress out over the juggling necessary to be a good parent and anything else at the same time. Sometimes I'd like to just give in and stop working and doing other things and just be a full time mom, but then I feel guilty about that (I'm supposed to have a career and make money too, I'm supposed to be exercising too, I'm supposed to have some friends, and so on and so on). I think balanced life is a myth for women - it's just a question of which kind of stress and guilt and sacrifice you find easier to stomach.
People talk about a balanced life, but I don't know anyone with a 'balanced' life. I know people (women) who try to work and have hobbies other than their children, but who struggle with guilt over not doing as much as they think they should for their kids, or stress out over the juggling necessary to be a good parent and anything else at the same time. Sometimes I'd like to just give in and stop working and doing other things and just be a full time mom, but then I feel guilty about that (I'm supposed to have a career and make money too, I'm supposed to be exercising too, I'm supposed to have some friends, and so on and so on). I think balanced life is a myth for women - it's just a question of which kind of stress and guilt and sacrifice you find easier to stomach.
Can I ask politely how old you are? One good thing about getting older (48) is that I have stopped doing what I am "supposed" to be doing. I do what I think is best for me and my family. For us, having me quit my job years ago was the right thing. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt at the time. I felt like I was "wasting" my education and "throwing away" a career I had spend time developing.
Now that I am older and have some perspective I realize I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. A woman with a good career isn't supposed to give it up. I am happy I did give it up but it took me some time to get there.
Children are not the center of attention , the whole family is.
As a unit every one counts, every one is responsible.
Children are not your friend, they are your children, and to gain respect they must earn it . If a member has not earned respect they do not have the privilege of liberty that trust is earned for.
If a child does not behave they stay with a baby sitter and the rest go for the outing.
Often times safety issues require obedience and paying attention to instruction.
A person that can do neither is not trustworthy and can jeopardize the rest of the family .
Children learn by your life style , if you make excuses they will depend on making excuses and get very good at blaming others for things .
If you live by the disciplines of good behavior they will know it is to be expected because you are doing it.
Pigs often go to restaurants and leave a big mess every where , a pretty good indicator what the house looks like and the strength of disciplines of the rest of their thinking. None.
Conversely I have seen many well behaved children mine included , do not leave messes, nor go nuts in public.
When kids test you , reverse the test , There is no oonnnnee twooooo, threeee . the first time he chooses to test, correct immediately, time out or what ever the correction permissible and practical .
Lallygaging on correction only leads to the kid pushing the limits just a bit further.
You are being tested as a parent by that child , that the strength of your resolve is in the swiftness of your action.
Kids have a short attention span, so putting off correction is always a danger.
Consistency is also a big issue.
If you have the attitude, "do as I say and not as I do" you've lost the battle. you've chosen the stupid. hypocrisy .
Give honest answers and strait answers , the only one embarrassed is the ignorant ashamed of the truth.
The truth , first last and always.
I the very old days every one slept in the same bed , there were no secrets where babies came from.
False modistes have created more trouble than it's worth.
By no means does this condone sex , among those it does not belong.
It should be clear that there are terrible consequences for abusing reproduction abusively ,and with those not permanently committed to (marriage)
If children see what some day they will become in their parents bodies , they have choices to make in diet and excersize .
One occasion my daughter was bitten by insects and had no trouble letting me examine all of her to make sure that were no other injuries . Other spots were found and thus treated .
Had she been inhibited over my examination, other injuries might not have been found, and dealt with.
When you pay some one else to take care go your families needs ,that does not say you really care. It says your too busy for them. Take the time to learn first aid and family medical then when something is over your head, your not at a distance, your at their side . that's when it counts.
I delivered both my children, that's what my wife wanted and i was in 100%.
I taught my kids to be independent thinkers , only a few times have I been a back up plan but for the most part they don't need me very much , that's how I taught them .
Both are creative and smart , probably do a lot better than I ever did.
Do you think it is healthy to make your child (assuming you only have one) a priority over everything else in life? I.e., spend all of your energy trying to meet the needs of your child, while putting work, friends, spouse, hobbies, and everything else in your life on hold?
Does you child benefit from this?
No.
That just sounds like a formula for raising a narcissistic child who thinks the whole world revolves around them.
Do you think it is healthy to make your child (assuming you only have one) a priority over everything else in life? I.e., spend all of your energy trying to meet the needs of your child, while putting work, friends, spouse, hobbies, and everything else in your life on hold?
Does you child benefit from this?
It is the normal state of being for children both biologically an emotionally. That being said, part of growing up to a self sufficient adult is moving away from that state of being and being able to fulfill ones own needs.
Clearly infants should absolutely be the center of the universe. Moving into toddler and early childhood, they can begin to learn that they are separate people from their parents and have separate wants and needs. As kids get older this continues.
Like most things, dealing in absolutes is pointless.
That just sounds like a formula for raising a narcissistic child who thinks the whole world revolves around them.
This. And it makes it very difficult when they get out into the real world one day and realize that it doesn't. Or to try to have a relationship one day and find out they are not the most important person in it all the time--that to have a successful relationship with anyone, it requires as much give as take. It's much healthier for a child to know they are cherished, they are important to their parents, that some of the time they will be their focus--but that their parents have their own lives, are individuals and a couple, and that no one should ever be the center of anyone's universe but their own.
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Do you think it is healthy to make your child (assuming you only have one) a priority over everything else in life? I.e., spend all of your energy trying to meet the needs of your child, while putting work, friends, spouse, hobbies, and everything else in your life on hold?
Does you child benefit from this?
I think it's twice as risky when you only have one because not only are they getting their parents' undivided attention, but they're not even having to negotiate with splitting attention with a sibling. It would be a shock for that poor child to enter kindergarten and realize they are one of 22 and that they will very rarely get the teacher's undivided attention like they do at home.
Guessing that the OP is not speaking about himself but a "relative" or "neighbor" who he feels is over-parenting. Yet another thread about how another person is doing it wrong and his way is the right way. Same old same old.
To a certain extent, yes. But I think as the child gets older it's fine to begin to tip the scales back towards yourself. I think kids nowadays are very self-centered because they HAVE been raised to believe they are the center of the universe. Once a child is 10 or 11, they are plenty old enough to understand that mom and dad are people, too, and have feelings/desires/needs/wants, etc, like everyone else.
But little kids? Sure. Children are only small once. My belief is that you get back from your children what you put into them. If you were mostly unavailable to them when they were small, don't expect them to be too attentive to you in your old age.
Guessing that the OP is not speaking about himself but a "relative" or "neighbor" who he feels is over-parenting. Yet another thread about how another person is doing it wrong and his way is the right way. Same old same old.
That was my thought, too. It seems to be going around on C-D. I've seen an example or two on nearly every forum I've visited today.
It depends on how extreme it is. Often, someone doesn't really understand the situation. You have to be more specific and understand what is going on in each individual circumstance. There is always a "range". "Everything else" is probably the key here and usually not the case but someone like a jealous spouse (one that wants mom to be devoted to him and they are out there in great numbers) might see it that way. "Everything else" versus let them be "feral" - extremes.
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