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Ok, did some searching, nothing recent about this particular issue, and if I missed it I'll apologize now.
Here's the situation: Step-Daughter is 15, and a pretty good kid overall. Emotional, kind of an introvert, pretty but shy, usually pretty good with responsibilities. Grades are good. Not a lot of friends but some close ones. Big big school.
She has become obsessed with one boy over the past couple of years. She's dated him on and off, and each time he has broken it off (admirable for a boy of this age, rather than cheating, hiding out, or otherwise being a cad) when it was time to date other girls or the relationship had just had run its course. Afaik they aren't that physical. We don't give them a lot of unsupervised time. So far so good, but the issue is that DSD becomes obsessed, and will instantly drop all other friendships when he inevitably comes back around. The last time she dropped a nice kid that really liked her who she had dated for about a month. Her friends were so mad they completely gave up and alienated her.
He isn't really a bad kid (that we can tell). He's respectful, but has a bit of bad-boy edge (clothing, style, etc.) and she has begun to emulate it. She now states she won't dress like a barbie-doll and wears mostly black and hard rock styles, suddenly talks about leaving the state for college (this is completely new), listens to angry/emo music, and is on the phone with him any time we're not in sight. So far, the grades are still ok, and no substance-abuse or even experimentation (again that we know of).
As you can imagine, we are pretty well aware that this will end badly. We know that he's only 15, and like anyone that young he'll find something else or someone else, and when that happens there will be total devastation on her part. Due to her one-track mind she will have no friends to work this out with. We've tried forbidding them to date officially, but you all know how that will turn out. The scary part is once they can drive, it will be very hard to maintain control over this situation.
We assume this WILL end, someone shiny will attract his attention away, and there will be pieces to pick up. Then, she will be pretty much alone with her thoughts. The other possibility I guess is that it WON'T end, and they will be co-dependent until H.S. is over, a shuddering thought. Of, the third possibility, this is ON/OFF for years of drama. Ugh. Are there any other actions a parent can take that won't end in revolt?
Ok, did some searching, nothing recent about this particular issue, and if I missed it I'll apologize now.
Here's the situation: Step-Daughter is 15, and a pretty good kid overall. Emotional, kind of an introvert, pretty but shy, usually pretty good with responsibilities. Grades are good. Not a lot of friends but some close ones. Big big school.
She has become obsessed with one boy over the past couple of years. She's dated him on and off, and each time he has broken it off (admirable for a boy of this age, rather than cheating, hiding out, or otherwise being a cad) when it was time to date other girls or the relationship had just had run its course. Afaik they aren't that physical. We don't give them a lot of unsupervised time. So far so good, but the issue is that DSD becomes obsessed, and will instantly drop all other friendships when he inevitably comes back around. The last time she dropped a nice kid that really liked her who she had dated for about a month. Her friends were so mad they completely gave up and alienated her.
He isn't really a bad kid (that we can tell). He's respectful, but has a bit of bad-boy edge (clothing, style, etc.) and she has begun to emulate it. She now states she won't dress like a barbie-doll and wears mostly black and hard rock styles, suddenly talks about leaving the state for college (this is completely new), listens to angry/emo music, and is on the phone with him any time we're not in sight. So far, the grades are still ok, and no substance-abuse or even experimentation (again that we know of).
As you can imagine, we are pretty well aware that this will end badly. We know that he's only 15, and like anyone that young he'll find something else or someone else, and when that happens there will be total devastation on her part. Due to her one-track mind she will have no friends to work this out with. We've tried forbidding them to date officially, but you all know how that will turn out. The scary part is once they can drive, it will be very hard to maintain control over this situation.
We assume this WILL end, someone shiny will attract his attention away, and there will be pieces to pick up. Then, she will be pretty much alone with her thoughts. The other possibility I guess is that it WON'T end, and they will be co-dependent until H.S. is over, a shuddering thought. Of, the third possibility, this is ON/OFF for years of drama. Ugh. Are there any other actions a parent can take that won't end in revolt?
What actions do you need to take? You say her grades are still good, she's still planning for college, you haven't seen any hints of drug use....what is the problem? That she's a teenager and there will be drama while she goes this this next stage of her life?
You don't like her music and she's choosing her own style? (Which while maybe not 'girly-girl' doesn't seem to be suggustive or overly inappropriate.) Guess what? That is nothing new. Parents were complaining about the waltz when it became popular centuries ago.
Give her a limit of phone use if you want (maybe all phone calls need to be done by a certain time). Keep the lines of communication open with her, talk to her without judging her choices if they are nor safety or moral ones - invite the kid over for family dinner and get to know him.
Yes, this will probably end like most teenage romances...but that is part of being a teenager. When it happens, you support her through it.
You are wondering why she is attracted to him. He has made himself a challenge for her. Turn she becomes obsessed with the challenge to get him and then keep him.
It's really not healthy but as long as she's respecting your rules and maintaining grades and stuff, there's not much you can do other than be there to pick up the pieces.
She wi eventually come out of this. Relationships that intense can't sustain. And don't be surprised of she breaks it off with him when the final break does occur.
Thanks ScarletG and Jerseyt719, these are great perspectives. I guess we were looking back at this through our own experiences, and thinking about how much she is giving up (friends and all that goes with it) just to focus all of her energies on one single person. We just don't want her to look back on her time in school and regret it, but your POV puts it in a better light.
Maybe some of this is coming from my wife's own history, and to some extent mine. She and I were both married very young to other people, in her case right out of H.S., and of course these marriages didn't work out. I think we both look back pretty sadly on all the choices we could have made and we're afraid she'll do the same thing and wind up divorced and confused at a very young age. Or maybe as an early parent. So, yeah, we're viewing her last year or so through our own very tinted lenses.
As you both say, it could be WAY worse! If her grades are good and she doesn't get into trouble, we need to give her the freedom to experience romance her own way...
Well, it may be valuable to provide perspective from your experiences. She wll definitely be annoyed and roll her eyes, but maybe you can bring it up during a dinner, but making sure you tell her that you aren't trying to tell her what to do, just offering a perspective. Just a thought.
I like the idea of inviting the boy over, which would infer that you aren't trying to over rule her choices.
I tended to be like your daughter in high school. I adopted the tastes of the boys I dated and obsessed over them to no good end.
My advice is to keep her busy, include her in as many family activities as possible, and include him in some. In other words, keep their relationship as out in the open as possible. Model for her how to keep things open and honest.
Restrain from judgement. If you DO share some of your experiences, do it while you both are engaged in some parallel activity, like grocery shopping or driving in the car. I would not bring it up at the dinner table only because that can seem like a confrontational environment to teens who are defensive, as she seems to be.
Validate her thoughts, don't criticize and judge. Try to ask her as many questions about her day and her life as she will let you. Keep talking to her and checking in with her because even if she rolls her eyes or walks away, she hears you.
You got some good advice here already on this thread. I think that teens obsess over boys/girls and it probably is just a natural phase of life. I sure did. You seem to be taking all the right steps--keeping her busy, supervised, etc. I've had to go through some of the same issues with my daughter although her issues are a whole different matter. I know that I'm going to have to be very vigilant with her.
What you need to watch out for are unhealthy obsessions. I had a coworker a long time ago who went through hell with her daughter starting at the age of 14. Her daughter started getting interested in a boy who I will call Mark. Mark would flit around to different girls and it became an on again, off again thing. Dramas were very, very intense and this girl would lose it with Mark and their arguments often times escalated into physical violence. My coworker at one point had to get a restraining order against this boy who was a few years older than her daughter.
Fast forward, this drama continued into her early twenties. On again, off again. Living together, breaking up. Abortions. Black eyes, cuts, etc. Mark was an abuser. The problem was this girl couldn't walk away and do things like key his car, break windows, key cars of his girl friends, phone stalk, etc. This girl was absolutely obsessed. She would obsessively pore over Facebook and other social media sites. Mark's girl friends would flaunt their relationship with Mark, provoking this girl even more. This girl basically walked away from a fully funded college scholarship to be with Mark. She would get decent jobs but if Mark was back in her life, she would either not show up to work to be with Mark or just quit the job.
Mark is finally out of her life. The girl is 27 or 28 now, has two babies with two different men. Very academically smart girl but she made some poor choices in life. Her Mark obsession toll a drastic toll on her life.
My wordy anecdote and probably worse case scenario but I would be so vigilant to make sure it doesn't turn into something unhealthy and impact her life in a negative way. Probably just normal teen behavior but then again, sometimes it crosses the line too. If red flags are going up, take action. You do need to talk to her about dropping of long term friendships though. That often isn't a good thing and can alienate you from a good crowd of kids.
I'll be brief. She sounds like a normal teenage girl, and you appear to be great parents. Hang in there. This, too, shall pass. Really, it will.
And I want to add, be glad that it's happening at 15 rather than at 18 or even 22 when she is more likely to be sexually active. It's a phase and she will grow as a person to the point where this is no longer an issue. Just watch out for grades and make sure you or your wife have talked to her about sex.
Sorry to be so late in reply, but yes, she has two younger siblings (maybe why we're freaked out, this is new as she's the oldest)...
Also, thank you to everyone, we actually talked about your responses last night and feel somewhat better as to what ISN'T happening.
Siggy20, your example is our fear. I know it's normal for kids to gravitate away from parents and to friends, we just didn't expect her to like only what he likes, etc. The vacuum left behind when the relationship blows up won't leave her with much else, so we're taking everyone's advice about activities and involvement.
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