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Old 03-29-2014, 08:23 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
11,646 posts, read 8,451,546 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frwhiskey View Post
American view of life is that everyone could and should be independent. Amen, what a dream! Don't we all have dreams? But in most countries of the world, stretching back into eternity, adult children, unmarried, and especially women, stayed home due to economic necessity. The one at home, man or woman, could work, study, help around the house, help the parents with their business or farm or chores, and was generally welcome. Some even would pay some rent to cover expenses if the parents had little income. Remember, most countries never really had things like Social Security. Adult children were there to get their parents through old age and NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE. In China, it was standard procedure to value a son because he would stay with the farm and house and help the parents, and hence the aversion to a girl baby came along with the Chairman Mao idea of a one-child family. It's the same in India, too.

So your question might be a great anthropological debate. We have enough ethnics in this USA who do want their adult kids at home, and amongst the Irish and Italians and Russian and Chinese of San Francisco, it's very, very common due to the high cost of housing. Eveyr basement in our two-story houses has relations living in them - often it's the parents who would move downstairs to some comfortable extra rooms, since they can no longer handle the stairs; and they cannot afford a nursing home, so the adult kids are around, or living there, to handle everything for them. It's as common as dirt. Most parents wind up glad of the help and company, and my Mom still likes to cook for my brother and do his laundry. He lives downstairs, works fulltime, pays rent, buys groceries, causes no trouble, checks the house, provides security for a woman who otherwise would be alone in her 80's. He's happy saving money since he didn't marry and wants just peace and quiet for intellectual pursuits outside of work. Some would laugh and condemn it, but we think it's great. Solves a lot of problems for the parents and the other adult busy kids.

It also gets him out of jury duty! And a bunch of other obligations if he wishes - he's "taking care of Mom".
I think you're describing the multi-generational household, which, as I seem to recall, was more the norm in many countries, as you say, and might have been more of the norm here in the US in earlier generations.

And it may be coming back, mainly for economic reasons, but there can be other benefits, as you also describe in your post.
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Old 03-29-2014, 10:22 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,724 posts, read 13,532,132 times
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It isn't a big deal. Over the years my Sons have moved back in with me and I moved in with them after my divorce. We are best friends and we always pull together when one of us needs help from the others. Some people can't wait for their kids to leave home, I never wanted mine to go.

Don
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Old 03-29-2014, 10:27 PM
 
2,845 posts, read 5,391,635 times
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Depends, are they actively looking or just sitting around on their butt everyday? Are they helping out around the house?

When I had to move back in with my mom, I looked for work a few hours each day, and I cooked and cleaned so my mom didn't have to. When I moved out my mom said she missed me lol. But I had to move, as much as I love my mom it can be difficult to live with your parents!
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Old 03-29-2014, 10:57 PM
 
Location: California
32,748 posts, read 36,213,968 times
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If I'm going to have a house with 3 bedrooms all by myself, which seems likely, I wouldn't mind my kids using the rooms if they needed to. I don't imagine it would be their first choice however!!

Any rules would be regular roommate type things about being considerate and what not. At different times both of my grandmothers lived with us when I was a kid. One until she died, the other until she found an apartment of her own close by. When did this stuff start being "weird"?
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:22 AM
Status: "Joy cometh in the morning" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
20,816 posts, read 26,115,357 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now View Post
There is more stories in the news about mature adults between 35-55 moving back with their parents or even grandparents due to job loss and economic crisis.

If your adult child was over 35 years old and showed up at your door step to move in our of economic desperation how long could they live with you? What rules would you set for them? Or would you rather pay for their living expenses in their own place until they could get back on their feet?

Well, I fall into that 35-55 year age group, and my children are in high school and college, so this situation is a long way off.

We have a five bedroom house and two children. My children and their spouses and children are always welcome here. It's their home base. Where, I would hope they would know to come in times of calamity of any sort.

If they had a job loss, I'm sure that they would stay only as long as they would need to stay. They are responsible, people now; as young adults; I have no reason to believe that they are going to turn into irresponsible mooches in the future.

So my answer would be, for as long as would be needed.

I can't think of ever saying "you have three months to get your act together".

We are family. Home is where you go when you have problems.
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:32 AM
 
Location: brooklyn, new york, USA
899 posts, read 1,029,748 times
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it's hard to be a loving parent and not let your kid back in. would you rather your kid be homeless with a sign like those i see in my neighborhood? i don't understand tough love. is it love or discipline, i don't know. i just sit and think that this is an effect of an individualist culture (i love it). i would still rather be kicked to the curb by my parents (i don't have any. i was a foster kid and have no "backup") and live in an individualist culture than a collectivist one. conformity does not sit well with me and very few parents would take a kid back in at 35 and give them full independence. the conditions set forth would impinge on most adults' personalities. these are grown men and women after all, not 12 year olds who just say "ok mom!"
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:39 AM
Status: "Joy cometh in the morning" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
20,816 posts, read 26,115,357 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelassie View Post
I think you're describing the multi-generational household, which, as I seem to recall, was more the norm in many countries, as you say, and might have been more of the norm here in the US in earlier generations.

And it may be coming back, mainly for economic reasons, but there can be other benefits, as you also describe in your post.

I think out of economic necessity, that you might be right.

American's put so much stock in "self reliance" and "individualism".

Perhaps it's time we try for a bit of community.
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Old 03-30-2014, 01:22 AM
 
49 posts, read 160,962 times
Reputation: 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now View Post
There is more stories in the news about mature adults between 35-55 moving back with their parents or even grandparents due to job loss and economic crisis.

If your adult child was over 35 years old and showed up at your door step to move in our of economic desperation how long could they live with you? What rules would you set for them? Or would you rather pay for their living expenses in their own place until they could get back on their feet?
Personally, I would not - out of principle - I raise my children with the objective that they will be independent, capable adults who won't ask me for a handout even when the going gets tough. When they don't view going back home as an option is when they take full ownership of their life and career decisions.
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Old 03-30-2014, 03:58 AM
 
Location: Finland
6,400 posts, read 6,184,659 times
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I think that I would be fine with my kid(s) coming back to live with me if they were going through tough times (I say I think because that's a long long way off now and who knows what my situation will be then or what my kid(s) will be like then - but I like to think they would always be welcome in my home).
I know I am always welcome to move back in with my parents. When I got pregnant they offered straight away. My brother lives with them now after he had a bit of a mental breakdown and dropped out of University (again).
My OH's family is the same, he would always be welcome to move back in with his dad. His grandma lives part time there too now and helps out with the youngest child.
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:04 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,724 posts, read 13,532,132 times
Reputation: 41682
I guess everyone has different views on what a family is. To us, family is paramount, nothing is more important and nothing comes between us. If one of us has a problem we all have the same problem and jump in to help solve that problem. There isn't a day when we don't either see each other or talk on the phone........even if it is just to say hi.

When I divorced my Wife I let her stay in the house and was going to find a place of my own. My Sons wouldn't hear of it and insisted I take the 3rd bedroom in their home, so I moved in with them. Similarly, when one of our Sons would run into some life issue there was no question their room at our house was always there for them. That is simply what close, loving families do for one another.

When I became a Father it was for life, not only until they became Men.

Don
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