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Old 03-30-2014, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Dallas
5,928 posts, read 5,565,780 times
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There would never be a time limit on how long my kids could stay with me. I agree with the posters that feel family should be there for one another in times of need. My kids have always been there for me when I needed anything, and I do the same for them. I would love to live with them again...they are really great guys and I like having them around. We offer each other unconditional love and support, which IMO is the way it should be. Just because we are there for support doesn't mean any of us can't stand on our own two feet and tough it out. Life is hard enough without feeling you are alone in your problems.

I think it may be different for parents/children who may have had a strained relationship or past history of problems getting along.
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:21 PM
 
47,531 posts, read 63,674,331 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
There would never be a time limit on how long my kids could stay with me. I agree with the posters that feel family should be there for one another in times of need. My kids have always been there for me when I needed anything, and I do the same for them. I would love to live with them again...they are really great guys and I like having them around. We offer each other unconditional love and support, which IMO is the way it should be. Just because we are there for support doesn't mean any of us can't stand on our own two feet and tough it out. Life is hard enough without feeling you are alone in your problems.

I think it may be different for parents/children who may have had a strained relationship or past history of problems getting along.
That's actually not the case at all when parents want their adult children to be capable of surviving on their own.

My relationship with my parents was great -- it wasn't strained, I never had problems of getting along without them but there was an expectation that we would be able to support ourselves, not depend on them forever.

In fact the BEST relationships between parents and their adult children seem more when the children can hold down jobs and support themselves. Adults all trying to live under their parents' roof long can have a lot of friction -- with their other helpless siblings as well as with their parents.
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:38 PM
 
23,299 posts, read 13,366,339 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
There would never be a time limit on how long my kids could stay with me. I agree with the posters that feel family should be there for one another in times of need. My kids have always been there for me when I needed anything, and I do the same for them. I would love to live with them again...they are really great guys and I like having them around. We offer each other unconditional love and support, which IMO is the way it should be. Just because we are there for support doesn't mean any of us can't stand on our own two feet and tough it out. Life is hard enough without feeling you are alone in your problems.
I would agree.

And it's not without a bit of self-interest that I think such feelings should be developed in the family. At this point, we've having to take care of our own parents--my mother was an invalid for eight years before she died, and my father in law has serious dementia. Nursing homes are not a good alternative, we discovered, and should be avoided for as long as possible...to the point one is really talking about hospice rather than nursing.

That means parents moving in with children at some point, which is an easier pill for them to swallow if the parents' home had always been open to them. Especially if it's always been the same home all along for all of them.
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Old 03-31-2014, 12:03 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,116,281 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
I guess everyone has different views on what a family is. To us, family is paramount, nothing is more important and nothing comes between us. If one of us has a problem we all have the same problem and jump in to help solve that problem. There isn't a day when we don't either see each other or talk on the phone........even if it is just to say hi.

When I divorced my Wife I let her stay in the house and was going to find a place of my own. My Sons wouldn't hear of it and insisted I take the 3rd bedroom in their home, so I moved in with them. Similarly, when one of our Sons would run into some life issue there was no question their room at our house was always there for them. That is simply what close, loving families do for one another.

When I became a Father it was for life, not only until they became Men.

Don
Really?? To want your children to be independent is not "abandoning" them as their parent. You make it seem like the only definition of family is yours and that any amount of distance or independence is not normal.

Actually, what's not normal is a family where no member can make a decision without checking in with other family members. I've seen this, it's not pretty when spouses and children come into the picture. Sometimes, being a "close" family means having the ability and knowing when to let loved ones grow and go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
What's going to be hard for all these kids who could never achieve independence and self-reliance is what becomes of them after their parents are gone? Then who will take care of them?

It seems more and more, people either never want to have kids or they want to have them and keep them forever -- the idea of becoming a self-supporting adult is not so much the norm as it was just a couple generations ago.

It does make it easier to become a third world country to adopt the third world culture of many families living in a small space, it's far easier to accept low wages when there are no real bills to pay.
Agreed.

I'm starting to think this last economic downturn combined with the millennial generation has created a level of co-dependency that borders on lifetime dependency in lieu of self-realization and personal growth.

My SIL always said her children could live with her forever, never having to leave or be self-sufficient. Well, they heard the message loud and clear. Premature child bearing, undereducated, jobless, and little ambition. They cannot support themselves let alone their families. They are at a clear disadvantage compared to some of their peers. Should their parents pass away, they would be up the creek without a paddle. But, they do have family. That is a fact. However, we as their family owe it to them to correct the errors of their upbringing. We'd be doing them a disservice to not encourage self-sufficiency and independence.

Giving a helping hand is one thing. But family doesn't have to be all-consuming or all or nothing to be loving and supportive.
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Old 03-31-2014, 09:49 AM
Status: "Joy cometh in the morning" (set 18 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
20,788 posts, read 26,071,227 times
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I want to clarify what I wrote earlier It seems that this thread has split off into two extreme points of view - those who want their children to live with them forever, and would welcome it. And those who would kick their children to the curb for fear of creating dependency.

The original question that was posed asked how you would respond to a a financial or personal catastrophe on the part of your adult children and spouses, and their children.

I would certainly welcome my children home in that case.
What are the options? Having them move into a homeless shelter and eventually seek social assistance? That would not be an option for me or for my husband

On the other hand, I would not relish the idea of my children living with me forever, following what ever catastrophic event befalls them.

However, the second would not be a problem. They would not want to live with me "forever".
So my role would not be to plan an eviction the moment that they moved it.

Instead, our roll would be to assist them in getting their lives back on track, for the mutual goal of re-establishing their own household.

My husband and I have thought of converting our garage into a two bedroom apartment so that each of my children and their future spouses, could use it as an apartment while saving for their first house.
We would charge nominal rent, (less than half of the prevailing rent of the area) and they would be able to put their money away.

They would also have the ability to work more and not pay for daycare.

Up thread, I said that as Americans, we need to explore community, as opposed to individuality; both in our society and in our homes.
These are examples of how that could be implemented

I never suggested that when my children marry, they are welcome to live with me forever, nor do I ever foresee my husband and myself moving to a finished basement, while one of my adult children and their spouses take over my home.

That will never, ever happen

I think balance in key.

Last edited by sheena12; 03-31-2014 at 10:15 AM..
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Old 03-31-2014, 09:59 AM
 
13,397 posts, read 7,921,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now View Post
There is more stories in the news about mature adults between 35-55 moving back with their parents or even grandparents due to job loss and economic crisis.

If your adult child was over 35 years old and showed up at your door step to move in our of economic desperation how long could they live with you? What rules would you set for them? Or would you rather pay for their living expenses in their own place until they could get back on their feet?
If my adult children moved back home, it would be because something very serious was going on. They could stay here as long as they wanted. No rules, they are adults.
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Old 03-31-2014, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Summit
400 posts, read 677,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikester View Post
Personally, I would not - out of principle - I raise my children with the objective that they will be independent, capable adults who won't ask me for a handout even when the going gets tough. When they don't view going back home as an option is when they take full ownership of their life and career decisions.
I see your point but I disagree. To me, I'm a parent forever, not just until they finish college.
My mom was always a big supporter of always being a rock for her kids -- letting my brother move back in after his messy divorce and countless warnings against the marriage in the first place. He messed up, but he wasn't left to his own decision-making which got him into the mess in the first place (although I think we were raised better). He lived at home for about a year and a half, turned his life around, helped support the household, and left when he married the woman of his dreams. If he wasn't allowed to come back home when his life got messy, I don't think he'd ever be in this healthy, happy state of his life.
Mind you, for all that she has done for us, I will one day return the favor to her when she needs us. Because, to me, that's family.
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Old 03-31-2014, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Summit
400 posts, read 677,848 times
Reputation: 280
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I want to clarify what I wrote earlier It seems that this thread has split off into two extreme points of view - those who want their children to live with them forever, and would welcome it. And those who would kick their children to the curb for fear of creating dependency.

The original question that was posed asked how you would respond to a a financial or personal catastrophe on the part of your adult children and spouses, and their children.

I would certainly welcome my children home in that case.
What are the options? Having them move into a homeless shelter and eventually seek social assistance? That would not be an option for me or for my husband

On the other hand, I would not relish the idea of my children living with me forever, following what ever catastrophic event befalls them.

However, the second would not be a problem. They would not want to live with me "forever".
So my role would not be to plan an eviction the moment that they moved it.

Instead, our roll would be to assist them in getting their lives back on track, for the mutual goal of re-establishing their own household.

My husband and I have thought of converting our garage into a two bedroom apartment so that each of my children and their future spouses, could use it as an apartment while saving for their first house.
We would charge nominal rent, (less than half of the prevailing rent of the area) and they would be able to put their money away.

They would also have the ability to work more and not pay for daycare.

Up thread, I said that as Americans, we need to explore community, as opposed to individuality; both in our society and in our homes.
These are examples of how that could be implemented

I never suggested that when my children marry, they are welcome to live with me forever, nor do I ever foresee my husband and myself moving to a finished basement, while one of my adult children and their spouses take over my home.

That will never, ever happen

I think balance in key.

I couldn't agree more, and I think the idea of having a small apartment for them while they save up is awesome. I've thought of it myself. =)
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Old 03-31-2014, 10:46 AM
 
3,167 posts, read 3,380,154 times
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I don't even understand why people want their kids to move out in the first place. I didn't go through years of fertility treatments and 24 hours of labor just to kick him out after 18 years.
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Old 03-31-2014, 11:42 AM
 
6,746 posts, read 7,766,213 times
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Well, after the second night......

A month is a 'guest' in the situation(s) described.

After that, it becomes a rental situation. If you don't mind having them in the house with you.

It is hard to say.....'special circumstances' type of thing. Have they had one job for ten years, and their firm just collapsed, or have they been through a series of low paying jobs and can't seem to 'stick' anywhere? That sort of thing might play into it.

On balance...maybe a month before it would be time to have 'the talk.' Then it is up to you--can you stand having them around?; and them--are they on the brink of a new job and getting back on their feet.

I am not a patient person where freeloaders are concerned. Some kids are; many are not.
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