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Old 03-31-2014, 05:18 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
20,834 posts, read 26,218,637 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
I don't even understand why people want their kids to move out in the first place. I didn't go through years of fertility treatments and 24 hours of labor just to kick him out after 18 years.

I think that issue affects me to this day. Primary infertility, followed by secondary infertility and adoption; have shaped my life.So I realy do understand how you feel.

There were too many years that we were "childfree not by choice", and my youngest is a junior in high school.

I'm not ready to be "childfree" again (although I respect people who choose that lifestyle, it isn't for me)

Most likely, we will adopt additional "older children" (school aged) when our daughter is a senior. Next year

My parenting time was cut short. Left to my own devices, I wanted at least 4 children.

However, my children need roots and wings. It's not their fault that I had fertility issues.
I don't want to lay a "guilt trip" on them and cripple them emotionally because I was unable to produce the quantity of children that I would have wished to have.
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Old 03-31-2014, 05:38 PM
 
Location: account deleted
73 posts, read 88,053 times
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If your adult child was over 35 years old and showed up at your door step to move in our of economic desperation how long could they live with you?
If my grown children showed up at my door tomorrow needing a place to stay I'd welcome them with open arms. I mean, no matter what, they are my kids and I love them. They could stay as long as they needed to, I really feel they'd move as soon as they could afford it. I think most adults are pretty independent, enjoy living on their own and it would be a huge blow to have to move back home.
When my kids got married and moved out, I missed them and the house was so quiet. I think I'd like the old house to be filled with life again.

Would I rather pay for their living expenses in their own place until they could get back on their feet?
I couldn't offer to pay their expenses because I simply couldn't afford it. I think any adult child that needs to move back in with Mom and Dad must be desperate and most likely it's very hard for them to consider this obvious last option.
What rules would you set for them?

I don't see a need for setting rules as they are grown.

I guess I'd put myself in their place and think how I'd feel if this were me and I needed help. The world is a hard place these days, so many are still out work. My heart breaks for those who continue to struggle.
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Old 03-31-2014, 07:44 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,122,283 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now View Post
There is more stories in the news about mature adults between 35-55 moving back with their parents or even grandparents due to job loss and economic crisis.

If your adult child was over 35 years old and showed up at your door step to move in our of economic desperation how long could they live with you? What rules would you set for them? Or would you rather pay for their living expenses in their own place until they could get back on their feet?
^^OP

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I want to clarify what I wrote earlier It seems that this thread has split off into two extreme points of view - those who want their children to live with them forever, and would welcome it. And those who would kick their children to the curb for fear of creating dependency.

The original question that was posed asked how you would respond to a a financial or personal catastrophe on the part of your adult children and spouses, and their children.

I would certainly welcome my children home in that case.
What are the options? Having them move into a homeless shelter and eventually seek social assistance? That would not be an option for me or for my husband

On the other hand, I would not relish the idea of my children living with me forever, following what ever catastrophic event befalls them.

However, the second would not be a problem. They would not want to live with me "forever".
So my role would not be to plan an eviction the moment that they moved it.

Instead, our roll would be to assist them in getting their lives back on track, for the mutual goal of re-establishing their own household.

My husband and I have thought of converting our garage into a two bedroom apartment so that each of my children and their future spouses, could use it as an apartment while saving for their first house.
We would charge nominal rent, (less than half of the prevailing rent of the area) and they would be able to put their money away.

They would also have the ability to work more and not pay for daycare.

Up thread, I said that as Americans, we need to explore community, as opposed to individuality; both in our society and in our homes.
These are examples of how that could be implemented

I never suggested that when my children marry, they are welcome to live with me forever, nor do I ever foresee my husband and myself moving to a finished basement, while one of my adult children and their spouses take over my home.

That will never, ever happen

I think balance in key.
...So true! The thread has derailed (Oops! I participated in the derailment, so free-for-all everyone . Just kidding.). But this is exactly what I mean by "helping hand." You want to be there, but you don't necessarily want to be a crutch. Can you imagine the joy you'll feel shopping with your daughter as she picks out towels, dinnerware, furniture, etc.? It was THE BEST mother-daughter experience I had as I became an adult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler View Post
if they were taught responsibility they would never have to come back home, they would have had a savings of emergency to fall back on till they got another job.
unemployment happens to any one of us, but if your smart you have a savings for a rainy day, and dont let yourself go broke and homeless.
Umm, yeh...but what about the Bernie Madoff's in the world? Emergency savings don't last forever. That would mean they were independently wealthy which would make this whole thread moot.

Last edited by Jaded; 03-31-2014 at 07:45 PM.. Reason: Added text
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Old 03-31-2014, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Sinkholeville
1,501 posts, read 1,555,983 times
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How long would you let your BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED ADULT children or grandkids live with you?

72 hours, same as a stray puppy.
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Old 03-31-2014, 08:41 PM
 
32,525 posts, read 32,983,941 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ralph_Kirk View Post

I think the very idea of "move out and never come back" is simply a bad social idea. It's really only one generation old anyway--purely another broken Boomer concept that's likely to be shown as defective as it really is by the time we Boomers are dead.
Like many people I can trace my family (through U.S. Census records) back generations. Moving out of the parental home as young adults has been the norm for many families since the early days of this country. And they stayed out. Even through the Great Depression. (When extra mouths to feed would have placed a HUGE burden on older parents.)

Last edited by DewDropInn; 03-31-2014 at 08:56 PM..
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Old 03-31-2014, 08:51 PM
 
23,430 posts, read 13,486,650 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
Like many people I can trace my family (through U.S. Census records) back generations. Moving out of the parental home as young adults has been the norm for a couple hundred years in this country. And they stayed out. Even through the Great Depression. (When extra mouths to feed would have placed a HUGE burden on older parents.)
I would disagree, and the single provided example of your family does not prove your point. But I'll present my own singular example to counter yours: My great-great grandfather participated in the 1889 Oklahoma land rush, staking out a significant ranch with a sawmill that continues to be a family home. Three generations lived in the house over the course of time, including married children--especially during the Great Depression--all helping to working the property.

I don't know where you get such an idea of " extra mouths to feed would have placed a HUGE burden on older parents."

That speaks of total misunderstanding of how a multi-generational household works. Everyone works (including teenagers, often including children) worked to support the entire family. Nobody is a burden.
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Old 03-31-2014, 09:01 PM
 
32,525 posts, read 32,983,941 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ralph_Kirk View Post

I don't know where you get such an idea of " extra mouths to feed would have placed a HUGE burden on older parents."
Actually... while sitting and listening to my grandmothers. Usually in the kitchen, while we sat and snapped beans and they talked about the grinding poverty they experienced and how with 12 brothers and sisters there wasn't room for everyone to "go back home". Especially after the bank had foreclosed on the family farm.

BTW: I've lived in a successful, happy, loving multi-generation home. I know exactly how they work. And we did it without the "significant ranch with a saw mill". We did it in a 1,200 square foot house with a leaky roof and a VA mortgage. (Which we got because Uncle Sam decided my husband needed to serve his country and see Vietnam up close. No land rush for us. The day the second bathroom went in was a REALLY big day. Two toilets. No waiting. Woot!!)

Any more lectures on what I don't know?

Last edited by DewDropInn; 03-31-2014 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 03-31-2014, 09:47 PM
 
390 posts, read 745,907 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frwhiskey View Post
American view of life is that everyone could and should be independent. Amen, what a dream! Don't we all have dreams? But in most countries of the world, stretching back into eternity, adult children, unmarried, and especially women, stayed home due to economic necessity. The one at home, man or woman, could work, study, help around the house, help the parents with their business or farm or chores, and was generally welcome. Some even would pay some rent to cover expenses if the parents had little income. Remember, most countries never really had things like Social Security. Adult children were there to get their parents through old age and NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE. In China, it was standard procedure to value a son because he would stay with the farm and house and help the parents, and hence the aversion to a girl baby came along with the Chairman Mao idea of a one-child family. It's the same in India, too.
Very true. And the way the US economy is headed, multigenerational housing situations are becoming more similar to that of China and India. I have family that was forced to move in together due to the economy. They simply can't make ends meet living independently (either my uncle and aunt or my cousins and their kids), so they have three generations living under a single roof. Sounds miserable, right? Everyone involved is actually happier. My aunt/uncle are usually around to help with the kids (so my cousins don't waste money on daycare every day while they are working), while my cousins help out with the mortgage payment and housework/repairs. When they cook, it's for six people, and everyone takes turns helping with chores. Every night, they do something fun together as one big family, like watch a movie, play a boardgame, or go for a walk. There is always so much positive energy when I visit them.
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Old 03-31-2014, 10:40 PM
 
320 posts, read 380,941 times
Reputation: 231
You let them stay as long as they need to while supporting them, you are family after all. I mean, what else is there to do? Shame on any parent who would not take in their own flesh and blood.
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Old 03-31-2014, 11:51 PM
 
1,143 posts, read 1,869,692 times
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It's still in the far future for me, but like others here, why won't you lend a helping hand to family in times of need? It of course depends on the circumstances. If it's because of a layoff or the employer closing down, then they can stay as long as they are showing that they are trying hard to get back on their own? If it's because of some self-inflected problems such as alcohol, drugs or gambling, then maybe until they seek help or not at all, depending on the situation. If the reason is beyond their control like having a serious illness or becoming disabled due to an accident, then, of course, take them in without any more questions asked!
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