What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (babysitting, legal)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And who exactly should pay for that 4 year college? The 18 yr old who has never worked a day in her life? The same 18 yr old who was too stressed to take more than 7 credits? College is not boot camp. It's a waste of money if the student doesn't want to be there.
Yep.....or she finds a job and grows up. This has been a long running commentary with the OP..she was warned about this long ago....we were told what a great student this child was for years and how they were going to do this and that and she ignored every bit of advice she was given about courses, colleges, etc. Time to kick the kids out and let her grow up.
And who exactly should pay for that 4 year college? The 18 yr old who has never worked a day in her life? The same 18 yr old who was too stressed to take more than 7 credits? College is not boot camp. It's a waste of money if the student doesn't want to be there.
Exactly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal
Yep.....or she finds a job and grows up. This has been a long running commentary with the OP..she was warned about this long ago....we were told what a great student this child was for years and how they were going to do this and that and she ignored every bit of advice she was given about courses, colleges, etc. Time to kick the kids out and let her grow up.
No, different child. That was (cue the chorus of angels) DD2, the Golden Child. This is the one she's never expected anything but failure from.
I agree with Mattie on this. An 18 yo who either can't or won't take a full load of classes and satisfactorily complete them is not ready to spend tuition/room and board to live away from home on. This is a girl with a history of issues. Sending her away to a 4 year college/university at this point (at the parent's expense or a student loan) is to set her up for further failure. Seek family counseling, help her to succeed rather than always expect failure. Helping her to succeed is not the same thing as enabling her. I don't know that Ivory understands that. There appears to be an alarming lack of communication in this family (documented on numerous threads over the years). Communicate the expectations, and the expected (and realistic for her given her situation) path, agree upon the consequences and the timeframe for everything. Frankly, these ideas at least should have been clear for years. Accept that her goals might very well be different than your goals, but as long as the end result is realistic self-sufficiency, then go with it. Stick with the consequences as well as the rewards. Ivory seems to constantly be parenting out of fear. That rarely, if ever, works.
Save the college fund for when/if she decides (or is able) to return to school with the resolve and motivation to succeed.
Last edited by maciesmom; 04-21-2014 at 10:35 AM..
Sounds like she needs to go to a 4 year college, live on her own, and be responsible for herself for a while. You had her path marked out for her since 9th grade and you were so set on this CC path....not really working out I guess. Stop supporting her if she can't live up to her end of the bargain.
If she can't handle 7 unites at cc, why on earth should she go to a four year college? I was thinking trade school would be a better option.
No, different child. That was (cue the chorus of angels) DD2, the Golden Child. This is the one she's never expected anything but failure from.
I agree with Mattie on this. An 18 yo who either can't or won't take a full load of classes and satisfactorily complete them is not ready to spend tuition/room and board to live away from home on. This is a girl with a history of issues. Sending her away to a 4 year college/university at this point (at the parent's expense or a student loan) is to set her up for further failure. Seek family counseling, help her to succeed rather than always expect failure. Helping her to succeed is not the same thing as enabling her. I don't know that Ivory understands that. There appears to be an alarming lack of communication in this family (documented on numerous threads over the years). Communicate the expectations, and the expected (and realistic for her given her situation) path, agree upon the consequences and the timeframe for everything. Frankly, these ideas at least should have been clear for years. Accept that her goals might very well be different than your goals, but as long as the end result is realistic self-sufficiency, then go with it. Stick with the consequences as well as the rewards. Ivory seems to constantly be parenting out of fear. That rarely, if ever, works.
Save the college fund for when/if she decides (or is able) to return to school with the resolve and motivation to succeed.
This, this is it.
I do not see the point in sending an unmotivated kid who has no clue of what to do off to college for no reason, except to waste money.
What I do feel very strongly is that this kid needs to not live at home. I don't know that she's ever going to succeed or find anything worthwhile about herself while living in the shadow of her talented and gifted younger sibling.
Hopefully there's something you've noticed she has a passion and/or aptitude for apart from vet dreams. Seeing as she's stashing baby clothes, perhaps she could go onto an early childhood field? An Au Pair or Daycare Worker? Something to take the the shine off having her own child? Perhaps you can help her get on her feet out of your house in lieu of some tuition. Not everyone is collegiate material. But she needs to gain some independence and learn how to live life.
There's nothing you can do about the BF. It's not really your concern how they conduct their relationship, practically speaking. She's old enough to make her own mind up about that, and will.
What I do feel very strongly is that this kid needs to not live at home. I don't know that she's ever going to succeed or find anything worthwhile about herself while living in the shadow of her talented and gifted younger sibling. Agreed
Hopefully there's something you've noticed she has a passion and/or aptitude for apart from vet dreams. Seeing as she's stashing baby clothes, perhaps she could go onto an early childhood field? An Au Pair or Daycare Worker? Something to take the the shine off having her own child? Another thing to consider... immature girls/women who long for children at inappropriate times, are often looking for some kind of unconditional love. The kind one usually feels from a parent or parents. Another reason to seek and stick with family counseling. It is not just this family member who needs it.
...
There's nothing you can do about the BF. It's not really your concern how they conduct their relationship, practically speaking. She's old enough to make her own mind up about that, and will.
Yes, the idea of the parent of an adult child, having a conversation with another set of parents about their adult child's relationship with my adult child...is odd to me.
No, different child. That was (cue the chorus of angels) DD2, the Golden Child. This is the one she's never expected anything but failure from.
I agree with Mattie on this. An 18 yo who either can't or won't take a full load of classes and satisfactorily complete them is not ready to spend tuition/room and board to live away from home on. This is a girl with a history of issues. Sending her away to a 4 year college/university at this point (at the parent's expense or a student loan) is to set her up for further failure. Seek family counseling, help her to succeed rather than always expect failure. Helping her to succeed is not the same thing as enabling her. I don't know that Ivory understands that. There appears to be an alarming lack of communication in this family (documented on numerous threads over the years). Communicate the expectations, and the expected (and realistic for her given her situation) path, agree upon the consequences and the timeframe for everything. Frankly, these ideas at least should have been clear for years. Accept that her goals might very well be different than your goals, but as long as the end result is realistic self-sufficiency, then go with it. Stick with the consequences as well as the rewards. Ivory seems to constantly be parenting out of fear. That rarely, if ever, works.
Save the college fund for when/if she decides (or is able) to return to school with the resolve and motivation to succeed.
OP said elsewhere that the daughter has been to counseling and chose to quit. Often times they don't want to hear what the counselor is telling them, it requires them to work on themselves and they have no interest in that.
Maybe DD2 is as motivated as she is because she doesn't want to end up like DD1. This happened in my family, younger kid goes opposite from older kid, wants something different. I would love to know what DD2 thinks of DD1 and how older one treated younger one growing up. Could explain how they are so different. It's not fair to call younger one Golden Child, just because she is motivated and looking to be more independent. It seems like DD1 is constantly being given chances to move ahead and improve and just isn't interested.
It's not fair to call younger one Golden Child, just because she is motivated and looking to be more independent. It seems like DD1 is constantly being given chances to move ahead and improve and just isn't interested.
The OP has made numerous posts, over several years, that make it very clear DD2 is the Golden Child. She's so golden the OP excused her getting drunk and having an altercation with a cop. (Which may have involved putting her hands on him.) Now she's getting the use of a car! Woo hoo.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 04-21-2014 at 12:54 PM..
OP said elsewhere that the daughter has been to counseling and chose to quit. Often times they don't want to hear what the counselor is telling them, it requires them to work on themselves and they have no interest in that.
Maybe DD2 is as motivated as she is because she doesn't want to end up like DD1. This happened in my family, younger kid goes opposite from older kid, wants something different. I would love to know what DD2 thinks of DD1 and how older one treated younger one growing up. Could explain how they are so different. It's not fair to call younger one Golden Child, just because she is motivated and looking to be more independent. It seems like DD1 is constantly being given chances to move ahead and improve and just isn't interested.
Ivory has indicated the two girls do not get along. Which isn't surprising as they are constantly pitted one against the other as pawns in their parent's marriage. In her years of threads on multitudes of issues regarding her family (both her children and her husband, nothing is ever Ivory's fault), she has rarely said anything positive about DD1. She has said that her husband favors her (and if I recall, insisted on naming her after a previous girlfriend?) while it's clear that DD2 is favored by Ivory. Ivory sees herself in DD2 - although interestingly, many posters over the years have seen a large resemblence between Ivory and DD1 (nothing is ever her fault, the world is against her etc etc). I can't help but think that DD1 represents what Ivory doesn't like about herself, and DD2 represents all that Ivory would like to be (even down to Ivory's username - a talented pianist). So DD1 gets shunted off and DD2 gets the praise, the expectations and the opportunity.
The OP has made numerous posts, over several years, that make it very clear DD2 is the Golden Child. She's so golden the OP excused her getting drunk and having an altercation with a cop. (Which may have involved putting her hands on him.) Now she's getting the use of a car! Woo hoo.
I just read through that thread. All I have to say is
And she shoved the cop twice! Yet she just babyed her daughter and put all the blame on her poor husband. I told my daughter growing up if she were ever to be arrested she would be the one to take responsibility and I would NOT bail her out.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
