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One of many problems is that Ivory can't see beyond the notion that if her daughter moves out, she will be reliant on her boyfriend to support and house her, and even if she got into a roommate situation, it would be with a drug dealer, a pimp, a rapist and a thief. There's no middle ground.
Yes, and Ivory will no longer have control over her, and other people might actually see some value in her. Did it occur that perhaps her boyfriend cares about her and finds her worthy of affection?
This whole idea that the young lady is lazy and won't amount to anything except drugs and hookering without Ivory's firm control certainly fits the narrative and has been the theme for years.
This girl is working much harder at giving every single excuse she can find for not working than just going out and finding a job. She has a cousin who will help her find a job, there is no excuse.
No more 2 or 3 weeks, its time to start looking for a job NOW. Not in a week or two. She has help to get a job, take it. No more BS excuse that she wants to do it herself. She's already proven she doesnt and won't.
If she got a job, boyfriend and her could get an appartment and a vehicle no problem. Mom, if you keep saying she can't do it, what makes you think that she will ever think she can do it?
You have to cut off everything. Food and a roof over her head, thats it. No boyfriend, no internet, no car. Can't you see how you are hurting her? What if you and your husband were killed in a car wreck tomorrow? She would then BE on the streets, with no parents to help her.
Lay down the law now, and don't take no for an answer.
Oh for Pete's sake Ivory, that's why young people have roommates. And peer pressure is not always a bad thing. Let her live with other people and broaden her horizons.
When I was her age I shared a house with a medical student, a male nurse, a graphic artist/waiter, and a concert pianist.
All under the same roof. It was great, and the solidarity and support you get from starting out with other young adults full of life and hope is not something she'll necessarily get (in fact won't) at home. They'll also kick your arse if you don't pull your weight. There are options here.
I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm saying that if she moves out, she will find that she needs a job. You're correct, roommates will expect her to pull her weight and that includes her portion of the rent. Moving out might be the thing to kick her in the butt and get her to do something. However, I would like that to be organized. I don't want to just kick her out as so many have said I should. I'd like to know she has a place to go to when she leaves. I'm thinking a deadline that gives her time to find a place.
How many years have you been posting about DD1 on this forum? 2 I think. Same old story every time. Multiple pages, lots of advice. Have you ever actually read the posts? Really and truly read them? You pick and choose the very few posts that somewhat agree with what you're doing, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and blame everything on your daughter.
Carry on I guess, that's what you're going to do anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
No offense my friend, but if you had read Ivory's threads over the years you'd see there is much dysfunction that hasn't been dealt with in the their family.
I certainly hope for all their sakes that a new level of awareness is achieved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ozgal
One of many problems is that Ivory can't see beyond the notion that if her daughter moves out, she will be reliant on her boyfriend to support and house her, and even if she got into a roommate situation, it would be with a drug dealer, a pimp, a rapist and a thief. There's no middle ground.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus
Yes, and Ivory will no longer have control over her, and other people might actually see some value in her. Did it occur that perhaps her boyfriend cares about her and finds her worthy of affection?
This whole idea that the young lady is lazy and won't amount to anything except drugs and hookering without Ivory's firm control certainly fits the narrative and has been the theme for years.
Yes to all of these. Every thread over the years is essentially the same (even in Educ):
Post a problem the OP is having with someone (DD1, DH, Admin at work, Parents of students, students themselves - pick one).
Wait for suggestions.
Dismiss the suggestions if they imply that any part of the issue might be with the OP.
Create a scenario where the only options are 1) The OP's desired outcome or 2) The End of The World As We Know It (if different than the OPs desired outcome or how she prefers to address it).
OP convinces herself that it is indeed The End of the World - and that the only way for her to avoid the colliding of various universes is for her to just go along with the status quo (which is clearly wrong but poor OP must somehow survive)....
This girl is working much harder at giving every single excuse she can find for not working than just going out and finding a job. She has a cousin who will help her find a job, there is no excuse.
No more 2 or 3 weeks, its time to start looking for a job NOW. Not in a week or two. She has help to get a job, take it. No more BS excuse that she wants to do it herself. She's already proven she doesnt and won't.
If she got a job, boyfriend and her could get an appartment and a vehicle no problem. Mom, if you keep saying she can't do it, what makes you think that she will ever think she can do it?
You have to cut off everything. Food and a roof over her head, thats it. No boyfriend, no internet, no car. Can't you see how you are hurting her? What if you and your husband were killed in a car wreck tomorrow? She would then BE on the streets, with no parents to help her.
Lay down the law now, and don't take no for an answer.
Actually, if dh and I were killed tomorrow, there's enough life insurance to take care of her and her sister for quite a while.
She loses the car as soon as she has her last final which is later this week.
I never said she can't do it. I said they can't afford an apartment without her working. So them getting an apartment just might be a good thing.
YUCK. I hate to rain on dd's dreams but I really don't think she's going to be able to handle veterinary school academically or emotionally. Unfortunately, she takes any talk of having a more realistic plan B as us having no faith in her. I think she wants us to tell her she can be/do anything but reality is we have limits. I'd love to see her get into a vet tech program. She does love animals.
I can't imagine ever telling my child anything expect that she can and should reach for the stars. I think she can be/do anything she wants.
Your daughter has a dream to become a vet. Instead of telling her she is not going to be able to handle the schooling, take her to talk to some veterinarians. Help her find a place to volunteer or a program to become a vet tech. There are many many people who take baby steps to their career goals, so, at 19, she is nowhere near a hopeless place. It may take her 15 years, but she can do it if she really wants to. She can be a vet tech and go to vet school at night. So what if she takes a less traditional path? If she sees that you have faith in her, then maybe she will start to have a little faith in herself.
If she is all talk and really has no intentions of living her dream, then do what others have suggested and give her the ultimatum. At 19, there is no reason she can't pay rent or find a few roommates and a place of her own. People do it all the time. But she has to know that her parents have high expectations in order for her to keep living at home, and you have to firm and stick to them. She's not going to end up living behind a dumpster unless that is the life she wants. And if it is, then that is her choice to make. She may hate you for a while, but she will find a way to support herself if that is her only option. Right now she doesn't have to because nobody is making her do it.
I agree with the poster that says she seems like she is avoiding life so that she doesn't fail. You come across as quite the pessimist, so I imagine she has learned to model that attitude. Maybe if you told her that she can do it, she will start to believe it.
I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm saying that if she moves out, she will find that she needs a job. You're correct, roommates will expect her to pull her weight and that includes her portion of the rent. Moving out might be the thing to kick her in the butt and get her to do something. However, I would like that to be organized. I don't want to just kick her out as so many have said I should. I'd like to know she has a place to go to when she leaves. I'm thinking a deadline that gives her time to find a place.
Okay, that's reasonable. And yes, moving out with everyone's blessing and support is a great deal different to being kicked out.
That sounded strange to me too. Someone who truly loves animals can't be without empathy. And someone without empathy definitely should not be working with animals.
I can't imagine ever telling my child anything expect that she can and should reach for the stars. I think she can be/do anything she wants.
Your daughter has a dream to become a vet. Instead of telling her she is not going to be able to handle the schooling, take her to talk to some veterinarians. Help her find a place to volunteer or a program to become a vet tech. There are many many people who take baby steps to their career goals, so, at 19, she is nowhere near a hopeless place. It may take her 15 years, but she can do it if she really wants to. She can be a vet tech and go to vet school at night. So what if she takes a less traditional path? If she sees that you have faith in her, then maybe she will start to have a little faith in herself.
If she is all talk and really has no intentions of living her dream, then do what others have suggested and give her the ultimatum. At 19, there is no reason she can't pay rent or find a few roommates and a place of her own. People do it all the time. But she has to know that her parents have high expectations in order for her to keep living at home, and you have to firm and stick to them. She's not going to end up living behind a dumpster unless that is the life she wants. And if it is, then that is her choice to make. She may hate you for a while, but she will find a way to support herself if that is her only option. Right now she doesn't have to because nobody is making her do it.
I agree with the poster that says she seems like she is avoiding life so that she doesn't fail. You come across as quite the pessimist, so I imagine she has learned to model that attitude. Maybe if you told her that she can do it, she will start to believe it.
This girl has no dream to be a vet. If she did, she would be working to get there, she would have been working at a vets a long time ago. Vet offices are always looking for people to work. Shelters are always looking for people to work. The operative word here is WORK. She doesnt want to. She wants life to be handed to her, which so far it has been.
I have the feeling we'll be reading another thread from the OP in another year, and the next year, and the next year.
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