What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (mom, money)
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I think people here are losing focus. who the hell cares about what the boyfriend does? They have no authority over him and he's not answerable to OP and her husband. They just have to deal with their daughter in their home. As far as what the boyfriend does/thinks is his and his parents' situation to deal with.
I agree to an extent.
But if Ivory's daughter plans on having a baby with him, I'd consider his plans to be relevant.
But if Ivory's daughter plans on having a baby with him, I'd consider his plans to be relevant.
Though true, what can Ivory and husband do about that, except insist she move out? Which brings us back to square one. Which, after nearly 500 responses, shows us nothing has been or will be done.
This situation is futile, even without the possibility of a baby. They just need to accept it and deal with it.
Apparently, my dd has lots of company. Her sister is in the minority. I never would have guessed this. I went to school in the 70's and everyone wanted a job at 16. Not that it means much but at least I get where dd gets it from. She's still going to get a kick in the butt though. She is not sitting around here doing nothing for the summer.
Though true, what can Ivory and husband do about that, except insist she move out? Which brings us back to square one. Which, after nearly 500 responses, shows us nothing has been or will be done.
This situation is futile, even without the possibility of a baby. They just need to accept it and deal with it.
Futile in what way? Are you saying there is nothing we can do to get her to get a job? I am seriously considering giving her the savings bonds I have that are supposed to be for college and telling her to get her own place. She will have no choice but to get a job then. The question I have to answer is when I will do this. How much time will I give her to comply before it's time to push her right out of the nest? I'm trying to find balance between wanting to keep her in school and wanting to push her into a situation that forces her to be responsible but might end her going to school. I really think she needs an education.
Apparently, my dd has lots of company. Her sister is in the minority. I never would have guessed this. I went to school in the 70's and everyone wanted a job at 16. Not that it means much but at least I get where dd gets it from. She's still going to get a kick in the butt though. She is not sitting around here doing nothing for the summer.
I took it upon myself to get a job when I was 16. Gen Xer's were, as a group, independent. Millenials, as a group were coddled. I think with the current generation we're trying to find a happy medium. I wonder what the norm is among your daughter's friends and acquaintances. I think there is a big difference between a 16 year old HS student and a 19 year old adult.
Futile in what way? Are you saying there is nothing we can do to get her to get a job? I am seriously considering giving her the savings bonds I have that are supposed to be for college and telling her to get her own place. She will have no choice but to get a job then. The question I have to answer is when I will do this. How much time will I give her to comply before it's time to push her right out of the nest? I'm trying to find balance between wanting to keep her in school and wanting to push her into a situation that forces her to be responsible but might end her going to school. I really think she needs an education.
You need to have a "come to Jesus" with her and your husband. You need to ask what her plans for the future are, and ask how she thinks she's going to get there. You need to specify exactly what you are willing to give and exactly what she has to do to earn it. She needs some realistic goals. I get the feeling you all are just drifting along right now with no clue where she is going.
I disagree with most people here in that I don't think kicking her out immediately is necessary. I think helping her through school is fine, but she needs to actually be going to school in order for you to do that. Have a meeting without any distractions. If she wants to go to college, then tell her she needs to have a part time job, she needs to take a minimum of 12 units at a time and finish them with a C or better. Tell her if she fails to do that, she will have 30 days to move out. Start charging her rent, if you think it will help. Take it semester by semester. If she drops classes or quits her job (assuming she gets one), then kick her out. You will have given her a chance at that point, and her choices and the consequences will be on her.
Futile in what way? Are you saying there is nothing we can do to get her to get a job? I am seriously considering giving her the savings bonds I have that are supposed to be for college and telling her to get her own place. She will have no choice but to get a job then. The question I have to answer is when I will do this. How much time will I give her to comply before it's time to push her right out of the nest? I'm trying to find balance between wanting to keep her in school and wanting to push her into a situation that forces her to be responsible but might end her going to school. I really think she needs an education.
Futile in the fact that you and your husband haven't and most likely won't do anything. You just keep talking, talking, talking, and then talk some more, here, not with your daughter. It's now been what... almost 500 posts, and still no news of a discussion with your daughter.
And yes, I'm saying there is nothing you can do to get her to get a job, except force her into a position to hopefully make her see she'll need one. Based on what you've said about her, you'll have to force her out of your house. She'll never get out on her own because you "force" her to. Count on it.
All the savings bonds in the world will do NOTHING to help her get a place of her own without a decent credit report, paycheck, and most likely, a co-signor. Don't let the bonds go to waste. And certainly don't hand them to her.
How much time will you give her to comply? Really? You have to ask here???? Why is it you don't have the answer??????????????????
As for finding a balance, forget it. You would only get that if she were a reasonable person. And she's not. So, you either keep her on your couch on your dime, or push her into a situation that'll force her to be responsible. Take your pick, she won't do both. And just because she may not go to school now doesn't mean she won't later in life. It doesn't matter if you think she needs an education... it matters that she thinks that.
You can't force her into anything but a tenant relationship with you. I suggest you do that and let her work out the details.
Futile in the fact that you and your husband haven't and most likely won't do anything. You just keep talking, talking, talking, and then talk some more, here, not with your daughter. It's now been what... almost 500 posts, and still no news of a discussion with your daughter.
And yes, I'm saying there is nothing you can do to get her to get a job, except force her into a position to hopefully make her see she'll need one. Based on what you've said about her, you'll have to force her out of your house. She'll never get out on her own because you "force" her to. Count on it.
All the savings bonds in the world will do NOTHING to help her get a place of her own without a decent credit report, paycheck, and most likely, a co-signor. Don't let the bonds go to waste. And certainly don't hand them to her.
How much time will you give her to comply? Really? You have to ask here???? Why is it you don't have the answer??????????????????
As for finding a balance, forget it. You would only get that if she were a reasonable person. And she's not. So, you either keep her on your couch on your dime, or push her into a situation that'll force her to be responsible. Take your pick, she won't do both. And just because she may not go to school now doesn't mean she won't later in life. It doesn't matter if you think she needs an education... it matters that she thinks that.
You can't force her into anything but a tenant relationship with you. I suggest you do that and let her work out the details.
Bingo!! Yes that about sums it up. That applies to the job too btw.
Futile in the fact that you and your husband haven't and most likely won't do anything. You just keep talking, talking, talking, and then talk some more, here, not with your daughter. It's now been what... almost 500 posts, and still no news of a discussion with your daughter.
And yes, I'm saying there is nothing you can do to get her to get a job, except force her into a position to hopefully make her see she'll need one. Based on what you've said about her, you'll have to force her out of your house. She'll never get out on her own because you "force" her to. Count on it.
All the savings bonds in the world will do NOTHING to help her get a place of her own without a decent credit report, paycheck, and most likely, a co-signor. Don't let the bonds go to waste. And certainly don't hand them to her.
How much time will you give her to comply? Really? You have to ask here???? Why is it you don't have the answer??????????????????
As for finding a balance, forget it. You would only get that if she were a reasonable person. And she's not. So, you either keep her on your couch on your dime, or push her into a situation that'll force her to be responsible. Take your pick, she won't do both. And just because she may not go to school now doesn't mean she won't later in life. It doesn't matter if you think she needs an education... it matters that she thinks that.
You can't force her into anything but a tenant relationship with you. I suggest you do that and let her work out the details.
Maybe she should tell her daughter she's cashing the bonds in to keep for herself to cover her daughter's "rent and food" while she remains at home, not going to school and not working, and she's going back as far as the day her daughter turned 18 to calculate the costs.
I think people here are losing focus. who the hell cares about what the boyfriend does? They have no authority over him and he's not answerable to OP and her husband. They just have to deal with their daughter in their home. As far as what the boyfriend does/thinks is his and his parents' situation to deal with.
You are very correct. I have no control over him. He is his parents problem to deal with. I have to deal with my dd and that is what I'm struggling with as she does not seem motivated in the least to get a job. I'm not sure what we're going to do here as I want her staying in school but I'd also like to see her get a part time job, full time for the summer but I don't think that's going to happen. I'd settle for 15 hours a week at the Dairy Barn right now.
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