What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (SAHM, divorce)

[teachbeach]

Wow, first of all, so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I empathize with your feeling of being at wit's end~and recognize that this has to be having an effect on the entire family dynamics. Some suggestions....

Counseling for you and DH to act as a united front with regards to the daughter. They'll help you design a plan, which battles to pick and formulate a timeline for compliance. Make it a contingency that she must go as well if she wants to continue to live at home and have your support. It sounds as though she is asserting her independence in unproductive behaviors, which may be signs of slight ODD, depression or anxiety issues. A health professional can make these diagnosis and have you work together on communication, expectations, goals and consequences.

Tough Love is a great program, however it's focus is usually on teens with drug or substance abuse problems, so not sure if this is applicable in your situation.

With regards to employment~she definitely needs to be either interning or working with animals if that is her goal. Many places will not even hire or look at a person (even if they have the degree) unless they have a proven track record of having been in the field while taking coursework.

If she continues to limit her class loads, she should be supplementing those hours with volunteer work or paid employment (not boyfriend time).

One solution that worked with friends of ours after their daughter kept taking and dropping classes was that they made her stay out and work for a year (she was allowed to live at home as long as she worked and saved money). When she was ready to return to school they told her that she would pay for her classes and that they would pay her back at the end of the semester for each class she passed. It was the wake up call she needed~she paid the bill for the first semester and you can bet she passed the classes, made Dean's List and got her money back to pay for the second semester of classes.

[markg91359]

I went through something similar with my son. His situation was a bit more complicated though. He was at a university and unfortunately we learned he didn't have the aptitude to succeed in it in the field he had picked. It was a tough reality-check for all of us considering he had done well in high school. After he withdrew from college, I made him get a job and pay for his rent and car insurance. He didn't know I was actually saving the money and I intended to give it back to him, once I knew it would be used for something productive. He worked a low-paying job for a year and this was a great experience in terms of teaching him the value of education.

He is now at a community college studying in a field that has a better aptitude for. I still think getting him to a point where he will be fully self-supporting is a goal we will struggle to realize. However, he is 22 and we are moving in the right direction. He is respectful, does his chores at home, creates no problems and is in now in school full time.

I think the key is demanding they pay some rent and expenses if they won't take a full load of classes in college and do their best.

[Mnseca]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I don't seem to have leverage here other than kicking her out. She only has use of the car to get back and forth to school and I don't buy her things as it is. We had hoped that when we stopped buying her clothes and such that she'd see the value in getting a job but the boyfriend has taken the sting out of that. I don't know why he puts up with this.

You are correct that it is unacceptable that she take 7 credits at a time. The deal was full time school and then it was only for a way back and forth to school and room and board. She can take15 credits and work 20 hours a week to buy her own clothes and take care of her own entertainment. The question is how to get her to do that.

Actually, I disagree with that. 15 credits is a lot of classes, and working 20 hours on top of that would be difficult enough that she'd probably fail or at least not do well in school. I think it's asking too much. I'm not saying people don't do it, just that it's hard, and this is someone who apparently can barely handle 7 credits and no job. Maybe be happy if she just takes 15 credits and makes progress towards graduation. Or maybe she should take some time off and work as a vet tech or something similar - I'm pretty sure she won't get into vet school as things are, but in any case, being a vet is kind of like being a firefighter - everyone wants to do it when they are young and don't actually know what the job is really like. If she were serious about being a vet, then she would at least be volunteering at a shelter or something similar so that she could get some animal handling experience.

I realize even getting that would be pretty amazing right now. Sounds like she really needs some growing up. I doubt it's your fault she's like this - my parents were also hard workers, my mom especially, but seeing how hard they worked actually had the opposite effect on me and my siblings. We never wanted our lives to be that hard. Anyway, lots of people are in the same boat as you, and I wish I had better advice. Just hang in there and hope for the best - maybe if she could talk to someone else? Sounds like she isn't at the point where anything you say will make a difference - she's clearly tuning you out. I think she'll grow out it of someday (I did), but for now maybe a therapist - for you, if not her.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

Of course she needs an education but I think she is too immature right now to appreciste this and embrace education's importance. Give her time. Especially after knocking around with nothing she will get in the right frame of mind. A lot of people are not ready for higher education just because they graduated from high school. But I bet she will come around.

I think you should cut her off with no money except for BIRTH CONTROL. Have the rx filled yourself and give it to her.

If I was the BF parent I would be miffed that my kid was not paying rent or food costs yet had money enough to basically support this girl. Do they know where his money goes? Could you call a conference with the parents (with or without the kids) to explain your concerns and together to make a plan of action? I would think they have "a dog in this fight" since it very well might be they are upset with him too.

Good points. I haven't talked with his parents.

As to BC, she refuses. When she first went to the OB/GYN I reminded her to tell him that I had a stroke due to a blood clot caused by BC when I was 18 so that he knew her family history. Now she says she's too afraid to go on BC. I know there is BC that minimizes the risk of clotting these days but I can't seem to talk reason into her. Everything is drama with this one. She says they're using condoms. Her getting pregnant is one of my fears. She actually has a drawer full of baby clothes in her dresser. That would be a way to make sure she's taken care of without working but she is not mature enough for a baby. She's years away from that.

One of the issues is that she sees that ddil is taken care of because she keeps on having babies and I am afraid she'll go down that road. A baby would give her an excuse not to work or go to school. She doesn't realize that her brother makes well over six figures and that is not the norm for families. She has no idea how badly she will struggle financially if she goes there. Her boyfriend only makes around $10/hour. While her brother could get him a job in construction that would mean he would travel for a living and I'm not sure he can handle it because of injuries suffered from an explosion when he was in the military. $10/hr will barely pay the rent and with no skills she can't make enough to offset paying for day care. Let's just pray they do not go there. One of my fears is we'll push her there.

[kitkatbar]

One solution that worked with friends of ours after their daughter kept taking and dropping classes was that they made her stay out and work for a year (she was allowed to live at home as long as she worked and saved money). When she was ready to return to school they told her that she would pay for her classes and that they would pay her back at the end of the semester for each class she passed. It was the wake up call she needed~she paid the bill for the first semester and you can bet she passed the classes, made Dean's List and got her money back to pay for the second semester of classes.

A relative did this too with her daughter after the daughter kept dropping out and re-enrolling in classes a semester later on mom's dime. Ultimately she didn't go back to college, but it was the wake-up call she needed to start working full time and get her head on straight.

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Her getting pregnant is one of my fears. She actually has a drawer full of baby clothes in her dresser. That would be a way to make sure she's taken care of without working but she is not mature enough for a baby. She's years away from that.

One of the issues is that she sees that ddil is taken care of because she keeps on having babies and I am afraid she'll go down that road. A baby would give her an excuse not to work or go to school. She doesn't realize that her brother makes well over six figures and that is not the norm for families. She has no idea how badly she will struggle financially if she goes there. Her boyfriend only makes around $10/hour. While her brother could get him a job in construction that would mean he would travel for a living and I'm not sure he can handle it because of injuries suffered from an explosion when he was in the military. $10/hr will barely pay the rent and with no skills she can't make enough to offset paying for day care. Let's just pray they do not go there. One of my fears is we'll push her there.

I would make sure it is VERY clear to DD that if she becomes pregnant, she and the baby will NOT be living at home under any circumstances, and she and BF will be expected to find a place together and raise the child on their own. And again, I would start making her access to sex more uncomfortable. Do not allow the BF over until she is working/in school full time. I disagree with the person who said you can't take 15 hours and be employed part time. I took 16-18 hours every semester and worked part time all the way through school. I also took 2-3 classes every year in summer school. DD's problem is she has too much leisure time and it's coming on someone else's dime so she is never forced to consider the value of it. It's an expectation to her. She needs to understand how little leisure time she's going to have as an adult if she makes bad choices now (getting pregnant=zero leisure time, minimum wage job=little leisure time). Having her working more and in school more will limit her time with BF anyway.

[June87]

I wonder, as it been said she's unrealistic and envious of the rich brother's lifestyle, is she aware how much vets make? I wasn't. I took my dogs to the vet when I was working. I was saying something about student loans. She told me she barely makes enough to cover her loans. I looked it up. Veterinarians aren't like doctors making hundreds a year. The only way to become rich, as opposed to comfortable/middle class, is to open your own practice.

[June87]

Veterinarians : Occupational Outlook Handbook : U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics as opposed to Physicians and Surgeons : Occupational Outlook Handbook : U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Mnseca

Actually, I disagree with that. 15 credits is a lot of classes, and working 20 hours on top of that would be difficult enough that she'd probably fail or at least not do well in school. I think it's asking too much. I'm not saying people don't do it, just that it's hard, and this is someone who apparently can barely handle 7 credits and no job. Maybe be happy if she just takes 15 credits and makes progress towards graduation. Or maybe she should take some time off and work as a vet tech or something similar - I'm pretty sure she won't get into vet school as things are, but in any case, being a vet is kind of like being a firefighter - everyone wants to do it when they are young and don't actually know what the job is really like. If she were serious about being a vet, then she would at least be volunteering at a shelter or something similar so that she could get some animal handling experience.

I realize even getting that would be pretty amazing right now. Sounds like she really needs some growing up. I doubt it's your fault she's like this - my parents were also hard workers, my mom especially, but seeing how hard they worked actually had the opposite effect on me and my siblings. We never wanted our lives to be that hard. Anyway, lots of people are in the same boat as you, and I wish I had better advice. Just hang in there and hope for the best - maybe if she could talk to someone else? Sounds like she isn't at the point where anything you say will make a difference - she's clearly tuning you out. I think she'll grow out it of someday (I did), but for now maybe a therapist - for you, if not her.

We have suggested she do some volunteer work over and over but she doesn't. It just blows me away that she has no motivation. What does she think is going to happen?

To be honest, if she was taking 15 credits a semester I wouldn't be posting here. At least then she'd be working towards a goal. Progress is progress with this one. However, 7 credits with no job? That is not acceptable. If she can't handle that, she can't handle college right now which means she needs to be working full time for a while until she is ready for college.

[Osito]

How come your younger daughter is not allowed to buy a car? I bought my first one at 16 but it was used and it was from a family member so it was cheaper than I would've gotten from a stranger or at a dealership.