What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (allowance, games)
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Lots of great advice here about doing "tough love". When it comes to kicking her out---please bear this in mind---In some states, parents are responsible for their kids until the kid turns 21. A relative found this out the hard way.
We had to do tough love with our daughter. She went away to college. Before going, we let her know that we weren't forcing college on her. If she didn't want to go, she would be expected to get a full-time job. The first semester of college, she did her schoolwork and passed her courses. Second semester, she decided to party and flunked everything. We didn't know what happened at the time so we offered her a chance at summer school. She refused. Long story, but we found about the partying. At that point, she was living in the state where the college was and had a so-called "summer" job. We told her we found out why she failed her classes and told her that she was now on her own and wouldn't get another cent from us. If she ever decided to go back to college, she would have to do it on her own dime. Once the contract on her phone was up, we cancelled it. We did warn her that that would happen. She did put us through some more grief. However, in the end, she got her act together. She now is married and has a family of her own and, in fact, has a really good job.
Doing tough love isn't easy but sometimes it has to be done.
Your daughter needs to know that the gravy train has come to an end. As another poster mentioned, if she wants to be a vet, she needs to get some working experience in that field. This business of not ever working until she is out of school has to stop now.
Thanks.
We've tried telling her how competitive vet school is and she goes off about how we have no faith in her. She couldn't even handle 12 credits at community college without a job. Unless her attitude does a 180, she's not going to be able to handle 18 in a pre vet program while working because she will need to work while in school.
I had a standoff similar to that with an 18 year boy once -- he had started working at age 16, his choice not mine. I provided him a car, he was supposed to keep it maintained but he spent his money on video games and going out with friends. He lost his job at age 18 through his own irresponsibility. He wasn't saving up anything for college.
I wasn't ready to kick him out -- I would do that if drugs or out-and-out defiance were involved but that wasn't the case. So I quit nagging him, I waited until he would ask me for money -- first he'd beg for $20 because his friends were going out to a movie and he wanted to go. Nope. Then he'd lower it $10 so he could meet them after for something to eat. Nope. Then $5 -- just $5 !! please, please, please, just this once. Nope --- you don't see me going out for a hamburger and I worked my tail off all day. He couldn't borrow my car --- then it was how was he going to get a job if he didn't have a car -- and I reminded him he had a car but didn't maintain it. How was he going to maintain it now without a job? I told him it sounded like he had a problem. I reminded him he did have a bike.
Now he laughs about it -- he actually told me he was going to see how long I'd hold out -- and then he realized I wasn't going to budge and he was tired of not having anything. He's doing great now -- he finished school, has a good job, wants to get his phd.
... She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.
Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.
Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old.
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The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
We don't give her money for clothes or make up. We feed her and put a roof over her head. The only gas we put in the car is to get her back and forth to classes. She's losing the car once classes end. Her little sister will be driving the car to school every day until school lets out in June and then to work. I'm afraid that taking the car won't motivate her. I'm not sure what will. I wish the boyfriend wasn't in the picture right now. He just bought her a new cell phone.
I think we have a major battle ahead of us here and I'm afraid it's going to come down to kicking her out. We talked to a counselor and she told us to be prepared for the consequence of having a daughter never speak to us again. I just want her to start taking steps towards being self sufficient.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
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And why can't you talk to the Bf and tell him he is not helping her grow up by buying her things. Tell him you are no longer willing to support her and you are wondering if he has any idea how much of a burden she will be when she is kicked out. Whatever happened to My House-My rules? If she is going to live in your house she has to put up with your rules. And your rules are she gets a job and show you she is taking this all very seriously. She doesn't talk back and she doesn't get college paid for entirely by you anymore because she has not demonstrated she understand education's value. If she has loans (and you don't co sign) she will have a vested interest in her own education. Frankly I think you are throwing your money away on college right now. Maybe in a few years she will appreciate it but she certainly does ot now. Don't worry about how she compares to her peers. That is the least of your worries.
Encourage her to work in animal shelter or vet office doing grunt work. This will probably convince her she is not going to be a vet.
Is it possible to talk with the boyfriend and his parents about how he is enabling her and that he needs to stop? BF buys her a phone, buys her clothes, will let her use his car this summer and probably pays for dates and other expenses. No wonder she doesn't want to work. DD has it made, no job, no responsibility, all summer off.
Normally, I would not suggest that a parent cut off or kick out an 18 or 19 year old adult child unless they were using drugs or something similar but in this case it may be the right thing to do. Or at least give her a 60 day deadline. Start paying for food & rent or move out.
DD moved out once because she didn't like your rules perhaps it is time for her to move out again.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-19-2014 at 09:14 PM..
I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.
Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.
I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.
Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.
Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.
The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?
WOW, "I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now." Now sometimes you have to show a child tough love. You have worked extremely hard to put your daughter in a really good position to do for herself and she tell you that. She must don't realize how Bless she is. As a parent you did your part. She need some type of pressure on her cause when she go talking like that she's too comfortable.
I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.
Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.
I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.
Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.
Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.
The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?
If she hasn't needed a job for 18 years now then she doesn't really need a vehicle she can't pay for either or classes she can't pay for or food or shelter for that matter.
She is legally an adult so it is time to shove her out of the door to fend for herself.
I do have a question though, how exactly did she get to feeling so entitled?
Ivory, there have been a number of past threads about Tough Love and similar types of programs that could give you and your husband some more ideas about what you should/could do in your situation with DD.
Not sure that "entitlement" is the problem here. When all logic fails you almost have to wonder if something else is going on. Do you know for sure there are no mental health issues that account for her lack of motivation? Just a suggestion, but perhaps some counseling could shed some light on the situation.
Have you considered psychological counseling? Something is wrong, in my opinion, with a 19-year-old who has no motivation to achieve anything on her own, gets stressed out by seven credit hours, and doesn't even want to try to support herself. Maybe she has social anxiety? Maybe she's paralyzed by fear of failure? If you can get to the root of the problem, you might be able to start making some headway.
I don't seem to have leverage here other than kicking her out. She only has use of the car to get back and forth to school and I don't buy her things as it is. We had hoped that when we stopped buying her clothes and such that she'd see the value in getting a job but the boyfriend has taken the sting out of that. I don't know why he puts up with this.
You are correct that it is unacceptable that she take 7 credits at a time. The deal was full time school and then it was only for a way back and forth to school and room and board. She can take15 credits and work 20 hours a week to buy her own clothes and take care of her own entertainment. The question is how to get her to do that.
Ivory, I'm sympathetic but my question is... do you and your husband accept that you have created this monster?
Because until you do, you will not take the necessary steps to help your daughter past this.
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