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Wow, so, OP, in reading the other thread you started about the problems between the two girls, the inability of you and your fiance to work out parenting differences effectively, is it any wonder your daughter is so upset about this? And L, your future stepdaughter as well? I don't see anything in the way you speak about L and E that indicates you are ready to be a fair and loving stepmother. I don't see anything in the way your fiance is treating E that indicates he is ready to be a fair and loving stepfather. Both of you are clearly in your own "camps." You are blaming your ex, his ex, the new step-sister, and basically everyone in the situation except the two adults who have brought these kids into the mess without working out parenting issues in advance.
I feel so sorry for these kids. Your daughter is about to be jerked away from everything familiar and shoved into a house with step-siblings who don't want her and a step-dad who favors his own kids. The other little girl has a crazy mother, and is having a step-mother she doesn't want forced on her every other week. The new step-sister gets to live with her daddy and she gets called manipulative by the step-mother who favors her own kid.
I would get into joint counseling to work out parenting differences ASAP and consider putting off the wedding until the situation is more stable, even if that means you get an apartment nearby and work on becoming a unit for a year or two separately until you're ready to be one together.
Because this mother is trying to do what will be best for BOTH of them. She is not saying the child has all the power but she is trying. I agree that blending the two families right now is not good.But if you do move there and have your own apartment make sure you give her as much stability as possible and if the fiance and op call it off don't move again to get away from the fiance. This little girl has had alot to deal with. rejection by a parent is extremely damaging to the self confidence of any kid. Throw in moving, possible step father who is less than loving and generous, step siblings she doesn't like and no wonder this kid is unhappy. Obviously it is not just a matter of her not wanting to leave her current town. She is facing some tremendous changes and it looks pretty bleak to her...and to anybody who has read the other thread.
You are right in the sense that children have to do what their parents tell them to do. However, it is usually helpful for all parties involved to feel like they have some "voice" in the situations/circumstances happening around them and will have a direct impact on their lives. Eleven years old is a difficult time when kids aren't little but aren't big either and a major move, family transition, iffy bond with her biological father, even iffier bond with the new guy, rejection by the future step-sister, mother's new job, etc. it's a bit much.
The way the OP handles this situation will make/break her daughter's self-esteem and sense of "place" in the world, at large. I suggested counseling in at least one of my responses and I stand by that. I would use any and all available resources to make this transition less stressful and traumatic.
I have an 11 year old daughter who up until today has been excited about moving 2 hours away from we currently live. I am a single mom who is now engaged to a father of 2 that lives 2 hours away. #1 I cannot afford to continue to live in the area in which we reside. My daughters father has not paid child support in over 3 years. I lost my job a few years ago and have taken over a 30,000.00 a year salary decrease meanwhile our expenses have not decreased. I have gained new employment in the city in which we are moving to, given notice at my current employer, and to my landlord. I am to start my new job on 05/05/14.
My daughter is now having a fit about moving since spending the day with her dad yesterday. Not only has her dad not provided any financial support for her in the past 10 years of her life, he has not been one to keep his visitation. He continually only sees her when it is convenient for him. My daughter is now telling me that she has been lying to me the entire time about wanting to move and she never wanted to.
I don't know what to do. I know this is the best thing for her. I will have a better job, she will have a stable family environment. Do I continue with the move or allow her to dictate my life?
Move, as planned. Like you said, it will be the best thing for her, and she is just a child, this is not up to her, you can not let her make decisions like this and dictate the coarse of your lives at this point. It sounds like you cannot afford the place and lifestyle of where you live now...so change is necessary.
Don't let her lay any guilt trips on you, you will be surprised by how soon she will probably adapt to her new home.
I have an 11 year old daughter who up until today has been excited about moving 2 hours away from we currently live. I am a single mom who is now engaged to a father of 2 that lives 2 hours away. #1 I cannot afford to continue to live in the area in which we reside. My daughters father has not paid child support in over 3 years. I lost my job a few years ago and have taken over a 30,000.00 a year salary decrease meanwhile our expenses have not decreased. I have gained new employment in the city in which we are moving to, given notice at my current employer, and to my landlord. I am to start my new job on 05/05/14.
My daughter is now having a fit about moving since spending the day with her dad yesterday. Not only has her dad not provided any financial support for her in the past 10 years of her life, he has not been one to keep his visitation. He continually only sees her when it is convenient for him. My daughter is now telling me that she has been lying to me the entire time about wanting to move and she never wanted to.
I don't know what to do. I know this is the best thing for her. I will have a better job, she will have a stable family environment. Do I continue with the move or allow her to dictate my life?
That's pretty normal. If she was excited about the move before, she can be again. Your attitude will help or hurt. I think she is scared so she is retracting her excitement in a last ditch effort to keep you from moving. Conflicted feelings are normal in adults and children.
You have valid reasons to move. It happens.
We thought it was in our families best interest to move - horrors - while our two were in high school. They are fine. Actually, they are better for it.
You are the parent. she is the child. Be supportive and validate his fears. But do not dwell on them. This is the fact - you need to move.
I happen to think that people who never make a significant move in their lives are at a disadvantage.
I limited time with people who we are leaving before the move and enlisted their help. It helps to stop the shock of the move. You also need help with moving.
Involve her in the process.
Because this mother is trying to do what will be best for BOTH of them. She is not saying the child has all the power but she is trying. I agree that blending the two families right now is not good.But if you do move there and have your own apartment make sure you give her as much stability as possible and if the fiance and op call it off don't move again to get away from the fiance. This little girl has had alot to deal with. rejection by a parent is extremely damaging to the self confidence of any kid. Throw in moving, possible step father who is less than loving and generous, step siblings she doesn't like and no wonder this kid is unhappy. Obviously it is not just a matter of her not wanting to leave her current town. She is facing some tremendous changes and it looks pretty bleak to her...and to anybody who has read the other thread.
I guess I wasn't clear on the fact that they would be moving directly in with the new step-family. After reading the OP's other thread; I'm sure this little girl is concerned and has every right to be.
If possible, I would think the move should be made with the two of them planning on getting an apartment, starting their new life TOGETHER, and then spending lots of time with the soon-to-be step family. As it stands right now, moving in together sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Move - Yes. New Job - Yes. Starting over with better salary - Yes. Moving directly into new family situation - NO. That's too much to ask of your daughter at this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazee Cat Lady
Move, as planned. Like you said, it will be the best thing for her, and she is just a child, this is not up to her, you can not let her make decisions like this and dictate the coarse of your lives at this point. It sounds like you cannot afford the place and lifestyle of where you live now...so change is necessary.
Don't let her lay any guilt trips on you, you will be surprised by how soon she will probably adapt to her new home.
I would tend to agree IF they weren't moving directly in with the boyfriend and his family. That's a major upheaval in an of itself - not to mention a new town, school, etc.
Yes, I think moving can be good. Yes, I think her daughter could adjust and possibly learn to love her new town. But not by thrusting her into a new family the minute they get there.
cinderslipper, your entire post was awesome, but I need to address the above to the OP, who left out some important info. What we see here is not the entire story. See below.
Your child is probably upset because she will be forced to deal with this drama.
That you would be getting a better job is one thing, but your daughter does not deserve this crap. You need to get your own place or get a better job locally.
Your child is probably upset because she will be forced to deal with this drama.
That you would be getting a better job is one thing, but your daughter does not deserve this crap. You need to get your own place or get a better job locally.
This just sucks for your daughter.
What I want to know is why is mom not taking the deadbeat dad to court and forcing him to provide?
It sounds like mom is marrying partly for monetary reasons.
I understand that things get backed up in court but ten years? That is irresponsible as a mother to let this go on.
Forcing dad to pay isn't going to push him away.
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