Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
3 is too old to be biting people...that is more of a toddler behavior. My mom said when I was a toddler I was a biter, one day she bit me back, and I never did it again. I did the same thing to my son, and he never did it again. I think people who tolerate/excuse it, just encourage it.
Hitting, I'd punish immediately. Again, this seems more like toddler behavior. A 3 year old knows exactly what they're doing when they hit. I'd put her in time out for 5 minutes every time she does it. Every. Single. Time. Consistency is the only thing that works with kids. If you are inconsistent, it will never work.
The above is worth repeating. That was my thought that 3 years old seemed to old for the behavior unless the child is developmentally delayed. Hitting Grandpa seemed extreme to me also. And, I feel so sorry for the older sister because loving someone shouldn't have to hurt, should it? Putting up with abuse in the name of "love" is absurd. I would talk to my physician and see what he/she thinks as there may be something else going on with the child that acts this immature and, well, hateful, either something physical, emotional or perhaps some sort of developmental delay. I have son with Down syndrome and a son that is 9 1/2 years older than him, both now adults. The biting and hitting need to stop because no one should be abused by this child. Get help.
Ok, I've been around the block to know that when I create a topic on the internet and solicit opinions, there's gonna be the occasional "WTF" comment. Yup, this one falls under that. Listen, my daughter is not developmentally delayed by any means. Give me a break. Just use google and you'll see many topics and people relating how their three year olds hit and bite. This isn't uncommon behavior in pre-school kids and has NOTHING (as in ZERO) to do with developmental delays, physical delays, or what the heck ever delay. I am not going to talk to my pediatrician about that all. FWIW, she just turned three, so she's still in that toddler/preschool transition stage. She is advanced verbally and cognitively. She is not "abusing" her sister at all and neither is she putting up with abuse. And no DUH about the hitting and biting...why would I bother solicit advice if I wasn't trying to take a proactive approach to this?
In addition, I resent you calling my daughter "hateful". That is a vile, disgusting word when targeting a child that you don't even know. You don't know her and nothing in my post revealed anything of the sort to make you even insinuate that she is a "hateful" person. You just step the heck back with that trash coming out of your mouth. Why don't YOU get help?
Now, onto the subject again. Thanks to all who provided a variety of helpful techniques.
I'm thinking the 3yr old isn't going to care about anti bullying laws
OP like I said in my previous post, this is not uncommon and not really a big deal. Be consistent, don't endorse it but don't freak out either. There aren't a lot of fourth grade girls running around biting because their mothers didn't put them in time out long enough.
Thanks I want to also add that this isn't a frequent occurrence and has never happened with another child other than her sister. She goes to daycare on occasion and has had nothing but good reports. I guess the sister who loves you also knows how to push your buttons, eh?
Quote:
Originally Posted by beera
That is true, my sister is a preschool teacher and has had issues with some children who have bitten in the past. Not many, but a few.
Yes. That's why I am trying to be proactive here and correct the behavior before it ever gets to that point. Right now it's just a "here and there" occurrence that started recently. But as her mother, I do want her to understand that hitting/biting/aggression is never an acceptable option. Children have different degrees of aggression -- some more, some less, some not at all. The kid that is a little more aggressive doesn't necessarily have to be an aggressor. For example, my daughter will not randomly approach a kid and take a swing at them. But I want her to know that there are more acceptable methods to getting your point across.
The fact that she doesn't bite or hit at daycare shows me she knows there are different rules there, and she obeys them. I think it would be helpful to talk to the daycare about how they deal with biting and hitting. Your daughter understands those rules - they work.
There needs to be a consequence she doesn't like. I'm also of the old school of biting them back lol! It works and fast! But, you obviously aren't comfortable with that.
It might be easier to put the older child in her room when the younger one bites or hits. Remove the sister. Can she go in her room and lock the door? Maybe you can explain to her that this is just a temporary solution until the younger one learns to stop biting and hitting? Maybe tell her she's part of a team with you to help teach the younger one? So it doesn't feel like a punishment for her, but rather that she's your partner in this new experiment?
My daughter is now 35 years old, but I remember her being a great kid at 2 years old, and I thought, wow! I don't have to encounter the terrible twos! What a miracle child I have borne! And then she turned three and became a hellion!
She used to pitch giant tantrums in the grocery store, where she'd throw herself on the ground dramatically, crying at the top of her lungs. Well, I wasn't about to spank her in public (actually, she doesn't remember ever being spanked, though I did spank her a couple of times), so what I did was, I'd just walk to the next aisle, just around the corner where she couldn't see me. She'd stop crying, come find me and throw herself down again lol! I'd just keep moving, and eventually she quit doing it. She didn't get any satisfaction out of it.
But I feel your pain. Three was the hell year. The next hell year was when she hit about 10 years old, then 16... LOL!
Young children have very little impulse control (it's not willful, it's neurological development), and at the age of 3, still have poor emotional regulation as well. They are people, but they are not mini adults with fully developed and mature control of their bodies and emotions.
It is pointless to teach an infant to run before they can even walk, and for all your efforts, your baby will walk and run when they are developmentally ready to and anything else is just wasted effort of you propping them up before they're ready to stand on their own. The same is true of learning to control their impulses and how to healthfully express emotion.
That being said, we can still show them the way and help them along the way. Personally, I don't do time outs. It's a pointless and arbitrary punishment that does nothing to address the action, or more importantly the cause. No child in time out sits and thinks about what they did wrong and what to do to make it right, they usually sit angry, upset, resentful and confused and offer an apology at the end when it's asked for and because you expect it, not because they feel any great empathy and are truly remorseful. They're sorry they got caught out and punished and apologizing is the quickest way to move on.
When my son went through a phase of hitting (he was never really a biter once he was done teething ) I would gently hold his hands, get down to his level, and say, "I will not let you hit, hitting hurts." I acknowledge his feelings, "You seem to be having some big feelings right now/seem frustrated/upset." Empathize, "It can be hard to know what to do sometimes when you have those feelings."
Offer suggestions, "Sometimes when I am feeling frustrated, it helps if I jump up and down, or hit a cushion. Would you like to try?"
When they're calmer, I reaffirm and elaborate, I will not let you hit. It is not okay to hit or throw things at people or animals, anything that is alive or that can be broken. If you try to hit (in this case) your sister again while you are playing, you will need to come sit with me in the kitchen instead of continuing to play. Obviously the response is tailored to the situation, eg: If you throw sand again, it will be time to leave the playground.
Also, consider what else is going on. Are they hungry, tired, too overstimulated, etc. Is her sister taunting her? It doesn't justify the response of hitting or biting, but it does help to address the root cause. If they're getting wound up, grab some paper and crayons or craft materials and offer them up if the kids would like to perhaps draw or color for a little bit.
Lastly, as with every step in life, all things are a phase, and this too shall pass. Keep telling yourself that!
I agree with the posters that 'bit' back. Kids that bite need to know how it feels. One firm bite to the biter usually stops the biting all together.
Keep trying your more 'effectual' methods if you want...
Where do you draw a line on that methodology, though? is it acceptable to throw a rock at your child's head so they learn that being hit by a thrown rock hurts? Do you hold their hand over an open flame so they learn that fire burns? Do you toss them off the balcony when you catch them climbing on the rail because they don't know how much falling from such a height will hurt?
Yes, biting a child back may be effective to stop the behavior, but that doesn't make it the best choice to teach them why biting isn't acceptable.
The fact that she doesn't bite or hit at daycare shows me she knows there are different rules there, and she obeys them. I think it would be helpful to talk to the daycare about how they deal with biting and hitting. Your daughter understands those rules - they work.
There needs to be a consequence she doesn't like. I'm also of the old school of biting them back lol! It works and fast! But, you obviously aren't comfortable with that.
It might be easier to put the older child in her room when the younger one bites or hits. Remove the sister. Can she go in her room and lock the door? Maybe you can explain to her that this is just a temporary solution until the younger one learns to stop biting and hitting? Maybe tell her she's part of a team with you to help teach the younger one? So it doesn't feel like a punishment for her, but rather that she's your partner in this new experiment?
My daughter is now 35 years old, but I remember her being a great kid at 2 years old, and I thought, wow! I don't have to encounter the terrible twos! What a miracle child I have borne! And then she turned three and became a hellion!
She used to pitch giant tantrums in the grocery store, where she'd throw herself on the ground dramatically, crying at the top of her lungs. Well, I wasn't about to spank her in public (actually, she doesn't remember ever being spanked, though I did spank her a couple of times), so what I did was, I'd just walk to the next aisle, just around the corner where she couldn't see me. She'd stop crying, come find me and throw herself down again lol! I'd just keep moving, and eventually she quit doing it. She didn't get any satisfaction out of it.
But I feel your pain. Three was the hell year. The next hell year was when she hit about 10 years old, then 16... LOL!
Thanks. Good advice. And yes, about age 3. My other daughter had the behavior changes around that age too, lol. And I chuckle about the next phases in their lives and having to deal with them. It's been a ride!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ozgal
Young children have very little impulse control (it's not willful, it's neurological development), and at the age of 3, still have poor emotional regulation as well. They are people, but they are not mini adults with fully developed and mature control of their bodies and emotions.
It is pointless to teach an infant to run before they can even walk, and for all your efforts, your baby will walk and run when they are developmentally ready to and anything else is just wasted effort of you propping them up before they're ready to stand on their own. The same is true of learning to control their impulses and how to healthfully express emotion.
That being said, we can still show them the way and help them along the way. Personally, I don't do time outs. It's a pointless and arbitrary punishment that does nothing to address the action, or more importantly the cause. No child in time out sits and thinks about what they did wrong and what to do to make it right, they usually sit angry, upset, resentful and confused and offer an apology at the end when it's asked for and because you expect it, not because they feel any great empathy and are truly remorseful. They're sorry they got caught out and punished and apologizing is the quickest way to move on.
When my son went through a phase of hitting (he was never really a biter once he was done teething ) I would gently hold his hands, get down to his level, and say, "I will not let you hit, hitting hurts." I acknowledge his feelings, "You seem to be having some big feelings right now/seem frustrated/upset." Empathize, "It can be hard to know what to do sometimes when you have those feelings."
Offer suggestions, "Sometimes when I am feeling frustrated, it helps if I jump up and down, or hit a cushion. Would you like to try?"
When they're calmer, I reaffirm and elaborate, I will not let you hit. It is not okay to hit or throw things at people or animals, anything that is alive or that can be broken. If you try to hit (in this case) your sister again while you are playing, you will need to come sit with me in the kitchen instead of continuing to play. Obviously the response is tailored to the situation, eg: If you throw sand again, it will be time to leave the playground.
Also, consider what else is going on. Are they hungry, tired, too overstimulated, etc. Is her sister taunting her? It doesn't justify the response of hitting or biting, but it does help to address the root cause. If they're getting wound up, grab some paper and crayons or craft materials and offer them up if the kids would like to perhaps draw or color for a little bit.
Lastly, as with every step in life, all things are a phase, and this too shall pass. Keep telling yourself that!
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head..she's learning how to express her emotions. Even at age 3, it's still a work in progress. Also, her personality is different from her sister's. Markedly different. Since she's a born scrapper/tomboy, she handles her emotions differently and I am trying to work with her on that. Playing up the positives (assertiveness/fearlessness) and working on potential negatives (aggression). In some ways she has many of the stereotypical boy traits (I say stereotypical because not all boys are the same). So far there hasn't been any more biting incidences, but I'm going to monitor the situation. You're right about maybe her sister also inadvertantly triggering responses. When she swatted at her sister before, it was because the older kid egged her on. I told her that she needs to know when to back off when someone doesn't want to be bothered. There are times when the three year old is cranky - when she's tired, especially. I think so many things contribute to the ultimate aggressive response. Right now, thanks to this topic and links that people have shared, I'm seeing so many things that come into play here and that is what I'm trying to understand -- the whole thing, not just the hit or the bite.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotteborn
You don't 'train' children you teach them.
I agree with the posters that 'bit' back. Kids that bite need to know how it feels. One firm bite to the biter usually stops the biting all together.
Keep trying your more 'effectual' methods if you want...
Train/teach whatever. I've used both terms in this topic. You get the picture. And thanks for your permission to use other methods besides "bite the biter". BTW: the word 'effectual' can be used in that sentence, as well as the word effective.
Biting my three year old (and you'd probably have to bite pretty hard to show her that it's not cool) to teach her not to bite I don't believe in doing and that is my right. Because I don't want to employ that method doesn't mean that I'm going to allow my daughter to become Jaws and chomp on precious little angels because I don't agree with that method. When I was a child, I can tell you point blank that using aggression against me didn't work. While I appreciate those who have kindly suggested that, I would like to consider other methods.
Where do you draw a line on that methodology, though? is it acceptable to throw a rock at your child's head so they learn that being hit by a thrown rock hurts? Do you hold their hand over an open flame so they learn that fire burns? Do you toss them off the balcony when you catch them climbing on the rail because they don't know how much falling from such a height will hurt?
Yes, biting a child back may be effective to stop the behavior, but that doesn't make it the best choice to teach them why biting isn't acceptable.
I imagine the parent would use good common sense. I certainly would not encourage you to do anything that would harm the child.
A firm 'bite' back to child that is biting is not child abuse and it won't damage their self esteem.
When I was growing up there was a little boy in my neighborhood that bit everyone. One day he bit me - it left small teeth marks in my arm. My mom marched me down to his house and told his mom that I was going to bite him back. I did. He never bit again. A few weeks later his mom called my mom and thanked her. He turned out to be a pretty neat guy.
When my son was little he bit a neighbors child. I bit him back. He never bit again.
Of course, I realize that this would likely cause a lawsuit these days. Back then most parents raised compassionate, responsible kids without consulting a book. Common sense goes a long way.
I imagine the parent would use good common sense. I certainly would not encourage you to do anything that would harm the child.
A firm 'bite' back to child that is biting is not child abuse and it won't damage their self esteem.
When I was growing up there was a little boy in my neighborhood that bit everyone. One day he bit me - it left small teeth marks in my arm. My mom marched me down to his house and told his mom that I was going to bite him back. I did. He never bit again. A few weeks later his mom called my mom and thanked her. He turned out to be a pretty neat guy.
When my son was little he bit a neighbors child. I bit him back. He never bit again.
Of course, I realize that this would likely cause a lawsuit these days. Back then most parents raised compassionate, responsible kids without consulting a book. Common sense goes a long way.
To me, all it teaches the child is that harm is responded to with more harm. When some other kid bites him and no adult is around to intercept, should the appropriate response be for my kid to bite back? If that doesn't stop the other kid and they then hit or kick, should my kid hit and kick back? Where does it stop?
I know scraps happen, and my child should be able to defend himself, but with the goal of ultimately removing himself from the situation, not beating the other kid to a pulp to teach them a lesson that hitting and biting hurts.
Your way worked for you, my way has worked for me so far. I don't want blind obedience from my child. He's not a wayward ruffian without rules and limits and it is not uncommon for strangers to comment on how respectful and polite he is.
To the OP, sent you a DM with a couple links you might find helpful.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I want to also add that this isn't a frequent occurrence and has never happened with another child other than her sister. She goes to daycare on occasion and has had nothing but good reports. I guess the sister who loves you also knows how to push your buttons, eh? 
) I would gently hold his hands, get down to his level, and say, "I will not let you hit, hitting hurts." I acknowledge his feelings, "You seem to be having some big feelings right now/seem frustrated/upset." Empathize, "It can be hard to know what to do sometimes when you have those feelings."
