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Old 05-10-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: New England
3,847 posts, read 7,920,233 times
Reputation: 5996

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I'm just curious what protocol here is. Is my mother the only one who absolutely expects something, blows up your phone to make sure you are doing something for them?

For those of you that have kids would you expect something be done? I know I wouldn't, I mean hell what if I'm not as good a mom as I thought and don't deserve it lol? Long story short my mother is... neglectful.... and has been for many many many years (I'm 31 now).. Ex. leaving for days on end when I was in high school and me home alone with a new born, 9 and 8 year old. No phone call nothing, just leave one day and not come back for 3. No money, no food etc I would ride my bike to churches and ask for food from the pantry.. Not paying the bills and cable, power etc always being turned off. Fast forward she left one night, never said a word and left my 16 year old brother to live out of a storage unit (until I found out and took him in), turns out she was in Miami with a drug addict who she would later marry.. Fast forward to 09 I'm pregnant with my first child, she disappears the entire year, never calls me nothing, half the time we don't know where she is. Shows up for the birth (sibling told her).. Fast forward she's showed up to one birthday party for my daughter who's now 4. Her last one,. See where I'm going here. Shes less of a mom that she is one.

So here we are the day before mothers day and she's blowing up my phone at 9 am asking me what I'm making her for dinner, or if I'm going to BBQ for her etc. The key word is expecting. She simply expects I'll do something for her.

I 've told her I'm making no plans as I too am a mother and don't know if my husband has breakfast planned or something he wants to do with myself and my daughter through the day. I was told essentially that doesn't matter and that I only have one mother (the guilt trip).. Fact is I don't feel for my mother what my brothers and sister do. I have very little feelings for her actually. The question should be not what I should do for her but what has she ever done for me. Even as a small child my grandmother would have to come get me because my mother would be drunk with one of her many BF's with me in the house. I don't feel guilty for how I feel about her, after this long I accept she is a neglectful, selfish, absent mother. I'm okay with that but I have my own life now... So am I wrong about this? Should it be expected I do something for her? Am I a bad daughter cause I gotta be honest I don't feel that guilty.. I feel its less about what should I do for her vs what has she ever done for me?

Last edited by Sweetbottoms; 05-10-2014 at 09:36 AM..
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 53,811,618 times
Reputation: 47905
I don't expect my kids do necessarily "Do something" for me but I do expect to be remembered in some way. A Card an overseas call or skype, etc. But I am a good and loving mother. Sounds to me yours is not. If you cannot in sincerity do or say something loving for her then don't do anything and don't let her intimidate you. I'm sure she is aware she let you down and was not a responsible parent.
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:53 AM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,670,068 times
Reputation: 30710
I don't expect anything for mother's day. I often don't even know it's mother's day until one of my children wishes me a happy one.

Once I was no longer living at home, I'd call my mother on the phone to wish her a happy mother's day. Since it's on a Sunday, we all converged upon the family house for Sunday dinner since that's what we typically did if we were in town on a Sunday. No invitations needed. Just show up Sunday afternoon if you felt like it. My father was always cooking a big feast without a guest list, and a big crowd usually showed up.

Since mother's day is the first day to plant without fear of frost, I spend mine in the garden. If my family is around, they usually hang out and talk to me while I'm working and they'll often pitch in and help too. We're really not into cards and gifts. That's just not my family's style. We just like hanging out together whenever we can. If we can't, we know we'll hang out together soon enough another day.

There's nothing wrong with simply wishing your mother a happy mother's day over the phone and then enjoying spending the day with your own children. People can't make you feel guilty unless you let them.
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:05 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
33,943 posts, read 22,393,156 times
Reputation: 25806
My son is only 19 and sent me a dozen roses two weeks ago for my birthday. I don't expect anything for Mother's Day and really don't want him spending his money.

I do hope that when he's grown, living who knows where and with a family of his own - that he will remember his mother on Mother's Day even if it's just a phone call.
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:31 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 14,222,509 times
Reputation: 7956
I guess the question is if your mom would feel happy if she received a call or a card from you for Mother's Day?

And in the future, would you feel happy if your kids did that for you?

Break the "nasty chain" and be nice - at least you will feel good about doing good things! Also what comes around, goes around!
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Hutto, Tx
9,249 posts, read 26,601,067 times
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I don't expect a gift, but I am happy to be acknowledged Usually my sister's husband lights up the grill and cooks us a fancy lunch... Steak and shrimp this year. That's all we really do. Sometimes my husband and daughter take me out to a restaurant of my choice as well. If your mom was that neglectful, then I think she should count her lucky stars that any of her children do anything for her at all.
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:50 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,460,589 times
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She does not sound like she was a very good mom at all --- and there are those who were much better moms whose kids are "too busy" or too forgetful to remember them every single year.

Mothers also should not dictate the terms of how you want to remember them on Mothers' Day. She sounds pretty immature.

It's completely up to you what you want to do -- send flowers, send a card, take her out for dinner or lunch - but it's also not really the day to punish bad mothers. I think you should do whatever it is you want but I don't think it would be a good idea to cave into any manipulation because then you can expect more of the same in the future.
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:51 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,286 posts, read 47,222,625 times
Reputation: 47252
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy_J View Post
I guess the question is if your mom would feel happy if she received a call or a card from you for Mother's Day?

And in the future, would you feel happy if your kids did that for you?

Break the "nasty chain" and be nice - at least you will feel good about doing good things! Also what comes around, goes around!
Pretty much what I was going to say!

Your kids will see how you treat your mother and will learn to do the same. What do you want to teach them?
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Old 05-10-2014, 11:01 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 6,666,210 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetbottoms View Post
I'm just curious what protocol here is. Is my mother the only one who absolutely expects something, blows up your phone to make sure you are doing something for them?

For those of you that have kids would you expect something be done? I know I wouldn't, I mean hell what if I'm not as good a mom as I thought and don't deserve it lol? Long story short my mother is... neglectful.... and has been for many many many years (I'm 31 now).. Ex. leaving for days on end when I was in high school and me home alone with a new born, 9 and 8 year old. No phone call nothing, just leave one day and not come back for 3. No money, no food etc I would ride my bike to churches and ask for food from the pantry.. Not paying the bills and cable, power etc always being turned off. Fast forward she left one night, never said a word and left my 16 year old brother to live out of a storage unit (until I found out and took him in), turns out she was in Miami with a drug addict who she would later marry.. Fast forward to 09 I'm pregnant with my first child, she disappears the entire year, never calls me nothing, half the time we don't know where she is. Shows up for the birth (sibling told her).. Fast forward she's showed up to one birthday party for my daughter who's now 4. Her last one,. See where I'm going here. Shes less of a mom that she is one.

So here we are the day before mothers day and she's blowing up my phone at 9 am asking me what I'm making her for dinner, or if I'm going to BBQ for her etc. The key word is expecting. She simply expects I'll do something for her.

I 've told her I'm making no plans as I too am a mother and don't know if my husband has breakfast planned or something he wants to do with myself and my daughter through the day. I was told essentially that doesn't matter and that I only have one mother (the guilt trip).. Fact is I don't feel for my mother what my brothers and sister do. I have very little feelings for her actually. The question should be not what I should do for her but what has she ever done for me. Even as a small child my grandmother would have to come get me because my mother would be drunk with one of her many BF's with me in the house. I don't feel guilty for how I feel about her, after this long I accept she is a neglectful, selfish, absent mother. I'm okay with that but I have my own life now... So am I wrong about this? Should it be expected I do something for her? Am I a bad daughter cause I gotta be honest I don't feel that guilty.. I feel its less about what should I do for her vs what has she ever done for me?
You are combining two issues. Your feelings for your neglectful mothers and the holiday.

Yes, most people still 'do something' for their mothers, even if they are parents themselves. When we lived near my mom and MIL, we often took them out do dinner with us. MIL has since died, and we have moved, but we send my mother flowers from her favorite florist. (She tells me not to bother...but admits she loves them.)

However, since you have such a strained relationship with you mother (for what seems like legit reasons) I wouldn't think twice if doing something for Mother's Day is not something you want to mess with. At most, send her a generic card just to keep her quiet (er).
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Old 05-10-2014, 02:28 PM
 
19,959 posts, read 30,024,460 times
Reputation: 39992
she was neglectful, selfish person
if it was dad, he'd be called an abuser...


mothers day are for mothers,,,
do abused kids give their fathers a fathers day gift??

im sorry, i have very little tolerance for neglectful parents that come around and guilt their kids they neglected..
if your mother was caught, she could have been arrested for neglect- so yeah, this is a form of abuse

however,,
dont carry a grudge, because its you carrying it

if she wants a meaningless card- you can appease her go to the dollar store and get her one -even sign it with a smiley face-
i have one friend that calls her mother by her first name because "she didnt have a mom" growing up- that mother got the hint real quick


because you been thru the b's, you know how it feels,,,so you will guard about doing it to your own kids..
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