Good parenting from bad examples ? (baby, spanking, parents, wife)

[LargeKingCat]

I decided on the summer sabbatical with my kids to go ahead and put together a book of lessons I have learned as a parent of a 14 year old with special needs and an 11 year old who is gifted/high IQ.

As some of you know, I had very bad parents growing up. Not only verbally emotionally and religiously abusive, but such that I describe my childhood as "Living in an insane asylum"
One psychologist suggested that I suffer from PTSD as a result, although what I see instead is a challenge to be everything my parents were not, and to succeed on my terms, live my life, without them.

SO, it has been a challenge. My role-models of parents were not role-models I ever wish to follow. I do not even let them see their grand-kids very often either. And on a few occasions, I have even wished I had not !

But to my question, I am probably NOT the only one here who has a story like this. Perhaps others have broken that chain of abuse, and broken the bad habits and learned from them, turned life into something positive and good as a result . If so, I want to hear from you. What things have you relearned as a parent, that you do which is successful in raising confident, successful and independent children, something my parents were never able to do?
Thanks for your time

[Jerseyt719]

When raising mine I vowed to to do everything they didn't and nothing they did. This is truly how I decided to be as a mom.
I did have fantastic grandparents but they were enablers with their own two daughters so I didn't want to go that route either.

Trying to find a balance is still proving to be a challenge as history has repeated itself in that my daughter just had a baby at 19, just shy of 20 like my own mother when she had me. My different take on it was that I did not tell her she had to marry him and encouraged her to use her mind when deciding that a relationship with the dad would be a disaster. I decided to tell her not to compound the issue.

I am a survivor of many abuses as well and know I have PTSD. I don't let it rule me or define me. It's an afterthought.

I do not know if you're wanting specific examples or not.

I think this is a great topic for discussion.

[no kudzu]

I too took the attitude of stopping to analyze a problem and then doing the exact opposite of what my parents (especially my father) would have done.

My mother-typical of her generation acquiesced to my father on everything. After all he was THE MAN and he knew better. Not in my house. Frankly I rule the roost and DH is happy that way. Oh I let him think he is in charge every now and then but for the most part i set the tone and especially with the kids.

We sat down once after I noticed our very young son had a bruise on his thigh. I knew exactly what happened and calmly talked to DH about it. He admitted he lost his temper after a very frustrating work experience and was deeply ashamed and remorseful. He said he reverted back to how he was parented. Spanking was de rigeur in his house as well as mine. We had never really talked about spanking or not although I knew I didn't believe in spanking. After that heartfelt and tearful talk he never laid a hand on any of our children. We decided he should just call me and walk away.

My father foolishly thought sarcasm and belittling would motivate a child and even his own wife. He was a bully. 've had to bite my tongue many times but I'm proud to say I've never called any of our 4 kids names or tried to belittle them. I'm far from a perfect Mom but at least I can say that.

And when I make a mistake I'm quick to admit it. I don't mind apologizing when it needs to be done but neither one of my parents ever fessed up to making a mistake. I asked my mother once when I was grown why she never apologized. She said she thought parents shouldn't admit mistakes because it would undermine confidence in them. Really? She did tell me she could see the differences in our parenting styles and she wished she had done things differently, especially seeing how i was doing so well. But again we can chalk this up to different generations.

[rocknyc]

Growing up with parents that constantly fought (and as a result hate each other now) helped me to realize that the greatest gift that I could give my kids is a healthy marriage.

[Siggy20]

I think that it is important to learn from the negative things and try to correct them in raising your own kids. One of the biggest things we are trying to do is have a closer relationship with our kids. I felt that once I turned 18, it was out of the house for me. I loved my parents dearly but having a long distance relationship has been hard on me emotionally for most of my life. My husband's relationship is the same.

With our kids, I hope that we can have a close relationship into their adult years. I would love to be that helpful grandmother who lives close by and can see her grandkids. My husband and I never had that and it makes me very sad.

[JC JC Mom]

My husband grew up in a drug and alcohol filled home with way too many examples of Horrible parenting to recount. But he too decided that he would learn what NOT to do as a Father/husband/provider for his family. He does not drink or smoke and always puts his children and family first. While I hate the way his childhood was for him but I do love the man he has become.

[RegalSin]

That is usually how things go down. You have a person who had problems, then they are able to give their kids a better lives. Eventually a generation down the road, it starts all over again, at some point. Current trends, current trends.

[Braunwyn]

What a great thread. It's a useful skill to learn from the mistakes of others. People show us what not to do often enough. I also learned from my parents the importance of a solid marriage. They still suffer the loss of their marriage decades later.

They made many mistakes with their parenting, although they were better than their own parents so I give them a lot of credit.