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I have 2 kids almost the exact same ages, and there's been lots of good advice here, especially the book recommendations, etc., but I'm chiming in about the crying 2 yr old -
We discovered very quickly with my oldest, and even moreso with my almost 2-year old, that ignoring the crying is NOT the way to go. (I'm sure it is for some kids - so if it works for you, great). For us, she just really, really likes to be heard. She feels ignored a lot of the time because of her older brother, who's very verbal and very active, and she can't express herself as well and can't keep up, so she has absolute meltdowns when she wants something. Ignoring it just made it worse on all of us (they share a room, too), but if pull her aside on her own and tell her in a calm but firm voice, "Take a deep breath, I can't understand you when you're crying," she takes a few deep breaths and stops crying and then babbles at us whatever it is that's bothering her. She doesn't speak yet, really; sometimes we can figure it out, and sometimes we can't, but just explaining the situation often very much helps: "I get that you don't want to go to bed, but it's bedtime now. Do you want another hug before I put you back down?" One of her first understandable sentences was "Talk to ME." I think sometimes younger siblings feel like they can't be heard unless they cry, especially at this age.
Also, I wholeheartedly agree with the choices: my almost 4 year old is never in "time out," because it seems meaningless to me. He has to sit on his bed or the couch and think about his choices. After about a couple of minutes (not long), I'll ask him what choice he'd like to make: would he like to choose to continue to misbehave and get in more trouble and maybe lose toys or lose a story tonight, or would he like to choose to apologize and we can go back to doing fun things? The hardest part, for me, honestly, is not holding a grudge when he chooses to apologize. =) Sometimes I just WANT to stay angry at him because he's so frustrating, but if he chooses an apology and to try to behave properly, I have to let him try... If he gets really bad, we talk about how this is not him - how this can't possibly be my son because my son doesn't hurt people, and he needs to: (if it's minor/accidental/he's pouting) shake off the grumpies that are sticking to him, and then we do a big shakey dance that usually involves tickling him until he laughs at some point, or (if it's a bigger incident), that he needs to bring back our son because this boy is clearly not him. Until he talks nicely to us and volunteers to help with something, we don't give him any attention or let him play with any toys, etc., because "we don't like to play with people that don't treat us nicely." We don't overuse it because we don't want to give him a complex, but as a nuclear option, it's worked every time.
My kids are almost 2 and 4 (the 4 yo has autism). Needless to say I can totally understand frustration. While he is disabled, I have learned so many great techniques by behavioral therapists.
First, I really love the concept of time IN. I don't sit and play with them for an hour. I do 5,10,5,10,15 min whatever, checking in and out.
Kids need so much guidance at that age. So, if I think they should pass time coloring, I set up a "station", do 5 min in, leave them. Then expect boredom and set up a " book station" or whatever.
If I just leave them, eventually they start mucking about and I guide them back. This concept really helped overall behavior.
My 2 yo doesn't cry like that but my 1st did, sensitive kids really struggle at 2 - they can't verbalize their complex emotion. Hang in there.
I haven't taken them to a restaurant except fast food since they were wee car seat babies. I don't feel its worth the effort until they are old enough to understand. My 4 yo is getting there, but 2? Nah
I have just about had it with my kids' behaviors. I have two kids - one is 3 and a half and one will be 2 in a couple of weeks. The 2 year old does nothing but cry. every. single. minute. The 3 year old is generally more of a happy child but she is out of control and runs all over the place, doesn't listen to a word I say. Like today, she was playing in a laundry basket, rocking it. I told her to stop, 3 times, and she finally ran into her room with the basket. I had to chase after her and grab the basket. Or earlier as well, we were eating dinner and she kept getting up from the table. I told her several times not to get up but she kept doing it, and we were at a restaurant where that's not appropriate. She ended up not getting a small 25 cent token that I was going to buy her from the restaurant if she behaved, but usually if she misbehaves I take away one toy that she already has. I can take away all of her toys and it makes no difference to her, although she will cry for a few minutes, but then it's like it never happened and she's back to not listening.
I've tried to spank the older one (figured the younger one is too young) and that doesn't work either, plus I just end up feeling so guilty over it because I've never thought it right to hit another human being, even though I understand the purpose of it and don't judge any parent who is able to spank and use it as an effective disciplinary tool.
We used to want several kids but now I think I am done. My husband is here, but he is often studying or working as he goes to school full time and works full time.
I've tried time outs. Those don't seem to work either as the children don't realize why they are in time out.
I am very frustrated. I need some sort of parenting program or book that gives step-by-step instructions for how to deal with 3 year olds who don't listen and 2 year olds who cry all the time.
wow, it sounds like disciplinary consistency is your one and only problem. Clearly your toddlers understand there are no serious consequences for anything.
If I did that when I was a kid (not listened to what I was told), I would have been spanked!
Note: I just read elsewhere about a girl in her 20's who is a thief - is stealing jewelry from her relatives. This is what happens to kids who never learn there are consequences for their actions.
I think she is just very sensitive. The slightest thing upsets her. I'm not really sure I foresee any medical problems. It's like, tonight, she wanted to sit with me, so she cried. She wanted the cheese on my salad, so she cried. She wnated to get up and walk around, so she cried. She is happy often, but I have to be distracting her with things 24/7 for her not to be crying about something else. She cries every night before bed. I've tried everything - rocking her, cuddling her, everything. The only way for her to go to sleep is to cry.
That sounds like me as a kid. Some kids are just crybabies. I was. Just gotta wait it out.
wow, it sounds like disciplinary consistency is your one and only problem. Clearly your toddlers understand there are no serious consequences for anything.
wow, thanks for the unhelpful help. I'm glad you are a fly on the wall and see exactly everything that goes on at my house and that I don't have any consequences (I clearly stated that I did take toys away, etc., but I do agree there are too many warnings)
To everyone else, thanks for all the advice. I took a deep breath, calmed down and realized they are only kids. We went to whole foods today to go grocery shopping and eat dinner, and they were so well behaved! I know everyone has their good days and bad days, but the past week has been BAD and I thought maybe that was the new status quo.
Get this book "The Childless Parent: Meaghan B's guide to telling parents how to raise their children proper." They sound like toddlers and you need to allow them simple things in life. They don't get a whole lot of control in their lives so letting her rock the laundry basket for a bit really might not be a bad thing. It also sounds like maybe you are STRESSED a bit. Perhaps you should mention this to your husband. Even though he is doing school and work he still shouldn't neglect the fact that you are raising 2 toddlers 24/7 and sometimes need a break.
thank you. I do agree I need to start doing 1 warning instead of 3. It is going to be a tough several weeks.
The other issue with sleep is that they share a room so it takes them a while to get them to bed because they love each other and are talking to each other at night.
healthy snacks, got that covered.
I should mention that they do go to preschool during the day. They are good at preschool because they have pre-arranged activities and guidance/direction. Dinner is difficult because if I cook I have to figure out how to occupy them for 30 minutes while I fix dinner, and if i take them out there's the whole restaurant situation.
I will check out those books.
While you make dinner, give them some old pans or plastic dishes to play with. I used to keep a cupboard of dishes and play food that my kids could play with while I made dinner.
Another option is to put something interesting on the TV while you make dinner. Especially if they don't usually get to watch TV, the right show will hold their attention. I know now everybody acts like letting your kids watch TV is a major sin, but when my kids were little, I knew that each 30 minute VHS tape of Elmo would buy me 30 minutes of peace and quiet to get stuff done.
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(I clearly stated that I did take toys away, etc., but I do agree there are too many warnings)
They sound like toddlers and you need to allow them simple things in life. They don't get a whole lot of control in their lives so letting her rock the laundry basket for a bit really might not be a bad thing. It also sounds like maybe you are STRESSED a bit. Perhaps you should mention this to your husband. Even though he is doing school and work he still shouldn't neglect the fact that you are raising 2 toddlers 24/7 and sometimes need a break.
