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Old 06-23-2014, 12:38 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,716,990 times
Reputation: 30710

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
The question is whether I can drop her so she can qualify. This requires some research first. I believe I have to show she has insurance to drop her. The question is will my insurance stop her from qualifying for Medicaid. We do have to find a way to insure the baby before it is born. I know for sure that I can't cover the baby.

Now all I have to do is get some answers from the government. Wish me luck. That is easier said than done.
No. You need answers from your employer's human resources benefits department! You can drop her for a number of reasons that don't involve her having her own insurance. If she married the boyfriend, she wouldn't be allowed to stay on your employer's insurance because they are not required to cover adult children who are married. There are other reason too. And specifically, ASK the HR department about dropping her at open enrollment too.

I know for a fact she can't get herself on Medicaid while she has insurance elsewhere.

 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:38 PM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
755 posts, read 1,114,127 times
Reputation: 1973
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I don't. That's why they get pissed at me. I don't stand in awe of their great parenting advice. I just find it kind of funny that last time I posted about dd, I was told to throw her out and now I'm told to take her back. I didn't want to throw her out because I feared the next step would be she'd get pregnant. Dh threw her out to the applause of many here. Now her situation is so much worse than it was. Personally, I think a lazy daughter living a home and sponging off her parents is better than a pregnant daughter living out of car but I'm just dumb like that.

At this point, dd has to be on her own. It's grow up time. There can be no running back to mommy and daddy on this one. She's about to become a parent and this baby deserves grown ups for parents. That means they need to be on their own. Necessity is the mother of invention. Bailing them out will not help.
First, Ivory has received a range of advice over the course of this drama so it's really not accurate to say "they" told her one thing and now "they" are telling her something else. I don't think there's ever been a concensus as to what should be done.

I agree that it's grow up time, Ivory. And I agree that if your DH drew a line he needed to stick with it. It isn't his kicking her out that caused your daughter to get pregnant. You knew she was planning this long ago when you saw that she was buying/keeping baby clothes.

I think it would be a mistake to let her come home unless you had no other choice. Not for you. For her. Enabling people harms them. It makes them weaker rather than helping them build strength for their own fight.

What I am offering is that in order to be successful in sending her out of the nest, you might want to change your tone, your approach, and what you are communicating to her regarding her level of competence.

What several other posters have offered is that you might want to consider the child, your grandchild, and what your relationship with that child will be.

All very helpful, I think, and most supportive of your choice to "help" your daughter find her way as an adult. Without enabling. Without bringing her back into your home--unless she has a major change of course in which case I'd welcome her home while she applies herself in school, works full time, or whatever. Of her own accord.

Last edited by Montanama; 06-23-2014 at 12:47 PM..
 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:40 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,818,282 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leisesturm View Post
That's because she can't. As an ivory tickler myself, albeit one with a FAR more liberal world view... not unlike the majority of musicians on the planet, I was appalled at the o.p.'s lack of nuance when I first came upon her posts, what, seems like years now. Imagine my surprise to learn of the current drama in her life. Hmmmm. What do I know, I'm just a dumb liberal, but none of my daughters are knocked up. And if they were, I'd have much more to offer them than seems to be the case here. In fact, if I was as holier than thou as the o.p. I'd just cut the skank off and leave her to the Universe. It would be better than pretending to want to help. All the big Conservatives in the media with the Holier than thou presentations lose their children along the way to their Enshrinement. All of them. What's up with that? Is there something about a right of center ideology that is incompatible with a healthy family? You wouldn't know it from the assiduous way that they go about anything having to do with Parenting and Children. Maybe its being middle class and Conservative that is the dividing line.... <snap!> yeah... that's it... I mean... if you are a 9 figure Master of the Universe you can rock that Conservative Credo as hard as you want and take care of the inevitable disconnects with reality with... liberal applications of financial damage control. When your net worth is more mundane but your Conservative Credo is cranked well past crazy... not so much. It's the kids I feel bad for. They don't have any choice in who they get for parents...

H
Wth? You do realize that Conservatives can have a healthy family lives and that even Liberals have such atrocious family realities? Enough with the crazy talk.

The OP has specified which help she's looking for, which she's getting. She's also getting other advice, which is to be expected... And maybe some will have an impact. We don't know and we wouldn't know until down the road. At least it's being said.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:41 PM
 
1,192 posts, read 1,566,318 times
Reputation: 929
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I don't. That's why they get pissed at me. I don't stand in awe of their great parenting advice. I just find it kind of funny that last time I posted about dd, I was told to throw her out and now I'm told to take her back. I didn't want to throw her out because I feared the next step would be she'd get pregnant.
Come on Ivory, you keep telling that her getting pregnant was a result of throwing her out but in reality, you know that its not the case right? She would have gotten pregnant anyway. its not like you can monitor what she is doing every second.
Initially it was thought that "teaching" her independence would be the right thing to do by throwing her out. She got herself in a bigger mess. You are leaving her on her own in a car now. For all you know, she may even be suicidal with no roof under the head, pregnancy hormones kicking etc.

Anyway, I know you are not going to respond but I still think your family doctor will have a lot more guidance for her. Pregnant women need a lot of emotional support (you are a mom too, you know it) which she isnt getting now. Please talk to your family doctor.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:45 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,579,257 times
Reputation: 42767
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Yes, being pregnant and low income can get her covered on Medicaid. That's true. BUT she can't get covered on Medicaid if she has health insurance. And Ivory can't drop her from her insurance unless there is a qualifying event. See, that's where we're on a different page. Being pregnant and low income is a qualifying even to get ON Medicaid, but it's not a qualifying event to get OFF her mother's policy.


Please provide a link with the procedures on how she can get off of her mother's policy before her mother's employer's next open enrollment period. I provided a link of qualifying events for dropping an insurance policy and being pregnant or low income was not one of them.


I'm not trying to argue with you. We are trying to provide the same information. I think you are confusing the issue by not providing specific information. If Ivory calls her HR department and asks if her daughter being pregnant and low income is a qualifying event to drop her from her coverage, her HR department will say it isn't a qualifying event. I don't want Ivory hanging up the phone thinking that she can't ever drop her daughter from her policy. I want her to continue ask under what circumstances can she drop her daughter? Specifically, I want her to ask if she can drop her if she marries her boyfriend, at open enrollment, etc. Ivory is wrong to think her daughter has to have other insurance to be dropped. She can be dropped for other reasons and go off to get her own insurance after-the-fact.
I agree with you: pregnancy is not a qualifying event (BIRTH is), but a dependent's change in residence was listed. That might work now.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,427,335 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Kudos to you for not enabling your daughter to continue to make ridiculous decisions. She may continue to do so but at least you're not HELPING her make more poor decisions.

When my 19 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, we were in the middle of a move to a smaller house (one less bedroom) because she had voluntarily moved out and was going to college, working 30 hours a week, and otherwise "making it" on her own (not that we weren't helping her financially in some ways - groceries, some gas, tuition, etc - but she was for the most part supporting herself, and at a very young age). She had just begun dating a guy who we DID NOT APPROVE OF and couldn't imagine her being with long term - and we were right, because they had already broken things off before she even knew she was pregnant.

I helped her move into her own apartment. By "helping her," I mean I helped her furnish it (with some of our old stuff as well as resale/thrift shop finds) and I paid her deposits and first month's rent - but after that, she was on her own. She would only qualify for all the other income-related benefits if she lived on her own rather than under our roof, so that made the most sense, even though translated that meant that she absolutely had to maintain a job in order to maintain a roof over her head. Amazing what people are capable of when they know they have to do it. She worked full time, paid ALL her bills, and kept every single doctor appointment. She absolutely would not have kept that job if Mama had been allowing her to live at home, on Mama's insurance, with Mama paying all the bills.

I also didn't want to ex boyfriend drama under my roof either. I'm glad to say, they decided not to "stay together for the sake of the baby." They broke things off entirely, and in fact a few months before the baby was born, my daughter met a terrific guy who was VERY impressed with her sense of responsibility and independence. They began dating (yes, when she was seven months pregnant) and two years after the baby was born, they got married. That was eleven years ago. He became an Air Force officer and eventually was able to adopt my daughter's child. They now have four kids together, including a little boy who they adopted from Korea. They are both exemplary parents.

But it all started with some tough love. I do not believe my daughter's character would have been nearly as strong and good and determined if I'd made things easy for her on the front end.
Thanks for your support. You get it.

We are in position to help her furnish an apartment. Dh and I separated 7 years ago and we still have most of what came out of his apartment. We have a dinette set that I use to store books on and grade papers, an extra couch, she already has the queen bedroom set dh had and we have an extra TV and entertainment center. It's an eclectic collection (dh went shopping at the overstock furniture store) but it'll do. We even have two sets of pots and pans, dishes and flatware. They don't all match but they'll do.

As to first and last months rent, dd has $5k in savings bonds (that I bought when she was a baby) that she and her boyfriend ridiculously locked away in a time vault that I told them to figure out how to get out of that vault. That will take care of more than first, last and a security deposit. Worst case scenarios is I apply for replacement bonds. Fortunately, I put the serial numbers in a database in case they were somehow lost. I'm not sure what it costs to have them replaced but if it's cheaper than getting this time vault opened that's what I'll do.

Thanks for sharing your story. I like to think that she'll grow up and in the end things won't be as bad as they look right now. It's hard watching dreams die. I wanted her to go to college, have time to grow up, and enjoy life for a while before settling down. I actually like her boyfriend except that he enabled her to keep stalling on getting a job but he does care for her and he takes care of her. We'll see if they make it. A baby changes everything. Statistically speaking, they will break up before the baby is a year old if they make it until the birth. He gets brownie points though. He took a second job a few weeks back. I kept asking why he was working two jobs. Now I know why. So far, so good with him.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 12:59 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,579,257 times
Reputation: 42767
Ivory, I don't have much to add except that I feel for you and think you have been given some great resources you can pass along to your daughter. Our eldest is 18 and moved out a few days after graduation. I read the posts here advising to let your daughter move back in and just enforce the rules, but when your kid doesn't abide by them you're kind of stuck. Ours didn't want to hear that curfews and chores were still part of her life, so she chose to leave and move in with her boyfriend. I worry about pregnancy too, but we'll see what happens.

But I learned something today! Her place of residence changed, so we can remove her from our insurance. She refused to quit smoking, which adds $75 a month to our insurance premium. Now we can remove her. It's not something I want to do. At all. If things went the way I wanted, she'd be living at home, being a contributing member of the family, and preparing to go to college like she initially planned. But I can't make her do those things. It sucks, absolutely. All I can say is don't burn your bridges, for everyone's sake. I agree with those here who said you can be positive and supportive without rescuing her. Good luck to all of you.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 01:03 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,427,335 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
No. You need answers from your employer's human resources benefits department! You can drop her for a number of reasons that don't involve her having her own insurance. If she married the boyfriend, she wouldn't be allowed to stay on your employer's insurance because they are not required to cover adult children who are married. There are other reason too. And specifically, ASK the HR department about dropping her at open enrollment too.

I know for a fact she can't get herself on Medicaid while she has insurance elsewhere.
I know that to drop her mid year, something must happen. Right now, we're mid year. My open enrollment period is in October. I can inquire as to whether or not I can drop her then but if I do, I can't put her back on without a qualifying event like loss of her insurance and then the pregnancy becomes a pre-existing condition that would not be covered. I think it's very risky to drop her from my insurance. I'd have to be 100% certain she'd get Medicaid and that both she and the baby would be covered. It would be a disaster if they came back and said that because she's under 26 she can still be on my insurance after I'd dropped her.
 
Old 06-23-2014, 01:05 PM
 
Location: North Pinellas
626 posts, read 1,343,716 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Thanks for your support. You get it.

.
Proof that she only wants responses from those that agree with her demented view of being a good mother/soon to be grandmother. Those that need to toot their own horn *ridiculous* The baby/daughter/boyfriend will be perfectly fine if they can just get away from "mom".
 
Old 06-23-2014, 01:05 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,579,257 times
Reputation: 42767
I thought part of the ACA was that insurance companies couldn't deny based on pre-existing conditions anymore.
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