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We just found out that my husband's grandpa died.
We had a pretty close relationship. We love/d him.
The funeral will take place next week.
We have two kids, a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl.
Should we take the kids to it? And if we do, can be this traumatic to them?
I believe that my 3 year old will not really understand what's going on, but my 5 year old could (probably will) and he thinks a lot, he might be really confused and shocked. We never talked to them about death.
What should we do? Please help us understand what is the right thing to do,
Thank you...
I'd say leave the kids with a trusted babysitter.
The 3 year-old won't understand a thing and the 5 year-old probably won't understand much, though funerals are so sterile these days that I don't think either of them will be traumatized.
Basically both of them will get bored and fussy and will distract from what is supposed to be a solemn and dignified service. When people are grieving, it doesn't take much to set them off and you could set up resentments that could last for years or even decades.
One of my grandfathers died when I was 10. My 8 year-old brother and I were allowed to attend the funeral, but my 3 year-old cousin and his infant sister were left with a babysitter for the chapel and graveside service, though they did attend the wake at my grandmother's house because they could easily be whisked away to a back bedroom if they became disruptive.
I would take them. Death is a part of life and since you were close to him, just telling the kids, especially your oldest child, won't have the "finite" quality. He may be sad, but it's okay to be sad.
Unless you think your chldren will misbehave and disturb others, I'm sure it will mean a lot to your husband's grandfathers friends and other family members to have them present, as well. I take my children to the service and the gravesite when close family members die. Not to the viewing.
I'm so sorry. I haven't read everyone's post, so if I repeat something said I'm sorry. My husband's grandmother died about 2 years ago and my son was 3 years old. He had met her and maybe talked with a couple of times and I decided to stay home with him. By the way, we live 2 days drive away, but if we didn't I would have kept him home. He is just now trying to understand the circle of life at age 5 and I don't believe in hard knocks. I think children should be guided with a gentle intervention and I think taking them to a funeral before its been fully understood is a mistake. I don't think its an irrepairable mistake, but I most genuninely feel why. Why not try to talk one one one about the deceased and when death is more understood take them to the grave and have a special ceremony between Mom, Dad, and the children. I don't think it should be done because society says its time to bury and deal. Not when it comes to the children. If a special pet dies you take a lot of time and consideration in to trying to make them understand and why shouldn't it be that way when some one in the family dies. Don't rush it and kind of let the child lead. They usually do with their questions and their wisdom that's unexplainable.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss and this added stressor. Peace be with you and please trust your heart and don't let others or certain ceremonies dictate how you should handle it. God bless your family.
I should add that my mother's parents passed away in December 2006 and April 2007; I was unable to attend either funeral because I was tied up in the UK, and I spoke to both of them shortly before their deaths. I have since visited their graves to pay my respects, and they understood my circumstances. My parents did not put any guilt trips on me to attend the funerals, though I felt guilty for not going.
My cousin's daughter was less than 2 years old at the time my grandmother died, and she did not attend the funeral. My aunt stayed home with her; my cousin decided not to bring her out of respect for everybody else at the funeral. My grandmother had lots of friends, was very popular in her community, and was adored by her family so even though she died at 87, her death hit us hard. The last thing my family would have needed was the distraction of a bored, fussing toddler. I thought my cousin made the absolute right decision.
My cousin also left her daughter with her mother for my grandfather's funeral; it was especially hard on my mother and my uncle since they'd just lost both parents within 6 months of each other. I thought it was appropriate and touchingly considerate to exclude the child from the funeral. My cousin's daughter is a very ebullient and attention-seeking child and would not have been able to behave in such a solemn setting; she either would have started crying for attention or would have run around singing, neither of which is appropriate behavior at a funeral.
My brother and his wife did bring their newborn son with them; he was only 2 weeks old and they did not feel comfortable leaving him with a sitter or even a family member, but luckily for everybody he slept through the entire service.
Speaking personally, if a young child disrupted the funeral of a cherished family member or friend I would be irritated with the parents for bringing him/her. Maybe my family does funerals differently, but when we grieve...we GRIEVE. There is a lot of crying, gnashing of teeth, pounding of fists on thighs, etc. A crying baby or singing toddler would be completely unacceptable at such a time. When there's a death in the family, we understand if the parents of very young children do not attend if they can't find a sitter because honestly we would prefer to not have the added distraction of a misbehaving young child. It's not the child's fault...they're doing what comes naturally to them...it's just distracting, annoying, and upsetting at such a stressful time.
Plus, young children don't get anything out of a funeral and pick up on the stress and grief around them, and I think that's more upsetting to them than the actual death of the family member because they don't understand death...but they do understand sadness and grief. My younger cousins fussed a lot at my grandfather's wake, and my grandmother who had just become a widow was further distressed by the loud crying. My aunt whisked them off to the back of the house to calm them down. My grandmother isn't a child-hater either; she adores her grandchildren.
I am sorry for your loss. My husband's grandmother died the Tuesday after Thanksgiving this year, and we did not bring our 5 year old to the service. I sat down with him and explained what had happened (she was 94 and had severe dimentia), but told him that she had been very very sick. He didn't really understand but was okay with not going. My father came and spent the day with him. That was so much better for him than going to a funeral!
Unfortunatley my grandmother is getting to the same point and we don't think she will be with us much longer. Again, our son will stay with a family member instead of going to the funeral. I want him to remember his great grandmother's from the last time he saw them, not at a funeral.
When my uncle died 6 years ago, his son was 7 at the time and he kept saying, "That's my dad over there, he's dead." His mother never explained to him about death or what had happened to his father. He had died from cancer, at age 45. It was hard for the whole family.
I don't think children at this age should go to funerals. It's hard enough on the adults, I can't imagine adding this kind of stress to a child!
I'm sure you will make the decision based on how your children react to the news of the great grandfather.
We just found out that my husband's grandpa died.
We had a pretty close relationship. We love/d him.
The funeral will take place next week.
We have two kids, a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl.
Should we take the kids to it? And if we do, can be this traumatic to them?
I believe that my 3 year old will not really understand what's going on, but my 5 year old could (probably will) and he thinks a lot, he might be really confused and shocked. We never talked to them about death.
What should we do? Please help us understand what is the right thing to do,
Thank you...
I realize that my post is too late for the original poster, however, I have to say that whether to bring children or not to a funeral is more about their relationship with the deceased and how the people there are acting. If everyone is sobbing hysterically, etc., then yes, this might be traumatic to them and should be avoided. If there is any sort of negativity going around, same there. However, to rob a child of seeing their loved one is wrong too.
My children went to my mother's funeral when she passed away at age 68 a few years ago. My mom was with us at home with hospice care for her final three weeks of life. They all remember Nana being here and them being with her. We never thought of excluding them from her wake or funeral. There was no trauma involved whatsoever and they got to experience a part of life...that which is death or passing on. FYI, in case anyone is wondering how old our children are; they were age 2 to age 20 at that time (we have a larger family). My kids continue to talk a lot about their Nana and I think it's because things were not hidden from them, squelched, or made some deep dark mystery.
With this said, my husband and I don't make a habit of taking our kids to other people's wakes or funerals as there is no need to. However, for a passing, such as a beloved grandparent and such, it is just as important for kids to be there if they want to be there.
Afterthoughts: After reading all of the threads above, I have to say that people need to do whatever they think is best. Obviously, forcing a child to look at someone that hung themselves is wrong. I personally, at my age of 45, do not think that I could handle that without having nightmares afterwards, a child certainly shouldn't be exposed to something like that. As far as everything else, I guess I consider ourselves blessed and fortunate that my mom, their grandmother, taught us a great deal about life and death in her going through what she did with her illness (congestive heart failure, diabetes, etc.) when she was at our home with the care of hospice. There was no shock, we were all prepared with the knowledge that she was going to pass on. The kids were there with her the whole time talking with her for her last three weeks of life, helping her, just being with her. I guess not everyone gets to experience that as hospitals treat dying as if it's some sort of illness that should be treated or perhaps prevented. As sad as this is for me, to lose my mother, and for our kids to lose their grandmother, I feel blessed that she gave us this experience to lessen this fear of death that so many seem to be preoccupied with...as if it's some sort of anomoly that needs to be hidden or swept under the rug...like if we hide it and don't discuss it, then it won't happen. No wonder people are so terrified of death even as adults. Just my thoughts.
Last edited by Donna7; 01-05-2008 at 03:19 AM..
Reason: change
I always take my son who is now 13 and has been to 6 funerals. The first one, though, he was 11 months and they provided a nursery at the church for folks at the funeral and my son went to the nursery. But all the others, he went and sat with me. I think it's good for us to see all cycles of life. His behavior was fine and others seem glad to see the young kids around, esp kids related to the deceased. Ya know, the person lives on in the decendants and that could be comforting to others.
I always take my son who is now 13 and has been to 6 funerals. The first one, though, he was 11 months and they provided a nursery at the church for folks at the funeral and my son went to the nursery. But all the others, he went and sat with me. I think it's good for us to see all cycles of life. His behavior was fine and others seem glad to see the young kids around, esp kids related to the deceased. Ya know, the person lives on in the decendants and that could be comforting to others.
I would not, plenty of time too go to funerals later. No need to bring them this young, not only do they not remember it , but a lot of people feel they cant * let themself go*
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