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Nobody but them but I don't see why we should concern ourselves with that.
I just wanted to point out that it may just be an excuse the son is making because he doesn't want to stay there. It's not any less relevant than all the other theories currently on this thread.
He's been been accused of being passive aggressive, out to punish his mother, subservient to his overbearing girlfriend, and more.
OP- thanks for getting back to the thread. I am sorry that you are going through this. It's a hard situation with no easy answers. I hope you can find peace with your choice and find a way to see him more often.
Sorry I've not been around... I checked the thread this morning before heading off to work. Then I got home and check the thread again and saw it had exploded beyond what I thought it would. So I didn't had time to sit and read everything until now.
They both have a lot of friends all over the place and few other family members as well. Even when my son was single, he would still be gone a lot. He would be here in the morning then be gone and half of the time he'd not be back for dinner and sometime he didn't even come back until the next day.
But what helped is, on the day he have no plan, it is easier for us to visit or come up with something to do than try to call him then pencil in the time and arrange everything.
Ever since he got with this girl and start to stay at her parent's place, it is much harder due to the distance and having to make a arrange for when I'm not working which isn't always easy.
I just really don't feel comfortable with allowing them to share the same bed. My husband and I both never shared the bed under our parents' roof until we were married. We were going to do this with our children. The other kids are 16 and 14 years old.
Then if our other relatives find out that we allows them to share the room, they would start to question us about it.
So it is much simpler and easier to just keep them in the separate room.
I don't think he is being passive aggressive. I think he just simply don't want to follow the rule.
I'm just upset that he couldn't make this sacrifice for a few days. I'm afraid if I let him do it then I'd have to do the same for other two and I don't like that idea at all and my husband sure isn't going to either.
I think the point that everyone is making is that the 16 and 14 year old already know they are sleeping in the same bed without being married and you are alienating your son over an issue that should not be an issue.
He "could" make this sacrifice for a few days however, it appears you are more concerned over what other's will think than the fact that your son is being alienated.
You gave your son a choice to sleep in separate rooms or not, he chose not.
You now have to live with his choice knowing that you will be seeing him much less than you could since your main concern appears to be "what will others think".
Your 16 and 14 year old already know more about sex than you could ever imagine and it is possible they are already sexually active so the fact that their 26 year old brother is sleeping with a woman he is not married to but living with is a moot point.
I just wanted to point out that it may just be an excuse the son is making because he doesn't want to stay there. It's not any less relevant than all the other theories currently on this thread.
He's been been accused of being passive aggressive, out to punish his mother, subservient to his overbearing girlfriend, and more.
I just really don't feel comfortable with allowing them to share the same bed. My husband and I both never shared the bed under our parents' roof until we were married. We were going to do this with our children. The other kids are 16 and 14 years old.
Not my place to comment on anyone's parenting style, but what do you think you are keeping your teenagers from? They aren't simple - believe me when I tell you that kids these days are very well aware of the facts of life. I'm not sure what horrors you are trying to shelter them from, but seeing two people who care for each other share a bed out of wedlock isn't a foreign concept to them.
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Then if our other relatives find out that we allows them to share the room, they would start to question us about it.
So it is much simpler and easier to just keep them in the separate room.
Really, so this is all happening because of what is essentially a variety of peer pressure mixed with your own selfishness? I am shocked your son isn't willing to knuckle under...
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I don't think he is being passive aggressive. I think he just simply don't want to follow the rule.
I'm just upset that he couldn't make this sacrifice for a few days. I'm afraid if I let him do it then I'd have to do the same for other two and I don't like that idea at all and my husband sure isn't going to either.
It's a matter of conflicting principles and I commend him for sticking to his. You are basically asking him to do two things for him here: spend as much time with you as YOU want him to do AND do it on your terms. Where's the upside for him? I know I'm being a bit callous here since you are his mother, but I'm doing it to illustrate a point - you've got to throw the guy a bone. He isn't 12 anymore when everything you say is the law.
In today's time, kids as young as 10 know about what happens behind those closed doors. Wether they(your son and his girlfriend) have sex infront of the kids is another topic. Unless the children you have over for the holidays are homeschooled and get no entertainment from the outside world, they should be completely fine seeing a gf/bf sleep on the same bed. Infact it would actually be better for them to see that, because otherwise you have kids who are afraid of the opposite gender.
I mean really, this isn't a win-win situation. You either go against your morals and let your son sleep in the same bed as his girlfriend, or forget about having him over for the holidays. He's 26 years old and in a solid relationship. He's not picking up girls at the club, having a one night stand and leaving them in the dust. I think he should be able to sleep in the same bed as his girlfriend.
My parents never flat out said I was "not allowed" to have my live-in boyfriend share my room when we visited. They didn't have to. I knew it would make them uncomfortable because it was not their way and against their religious beliefs so I never pressed the issue. I never shared their beliefs but it was their home and I wouldn't disrespect them by insisting on "my right" to have sex under their roof, any more than I would insist on "my right" to bring my dog into the house of someone who was allergic, or "my right" to smoke in the home of people who don't indulge.
Some people have a need to act out constantly in a bid to advertise their "freedom." Like those people who carry rifles into restaurants where families are dining. Like kids who use that time-honored phrase "you are not the boss of me!" As a feminist I have no interest in kowtowing to the Catholic religion my parents professed. By the same token, I have no need to rub my beliefs in the noses of people who don't share them.
I think your son is disrespectful to you, but you raised him so ... I guess you have to accept the results.
By any chance is this an issue because of differences in cultural values? Is the rest of the family going to point fingers and consider you bad parents if you allow them to sleep together under your roof? Sorry but your posting style makes me think this might be a possibility. If so, you are faced with the choice between your son or the rest of your extended family and that can be difficult.
As far as your other children go they are old enough to understand that as long as they live under your roof there will be no sleeping with the gf/bf, so I don't get where there is a concern that you will have to do the same for them?
Unless you mean to never let them share a room with the opposite sex regardless of age either? I think that is a lost cause, grown children have a tendency to live their own lives once they leave their parents nest, and you will face the same issues with them that you are now facing with the oldest one.
I respect the mothers values here, pre-marital sex and cohabitation are sins. However this battle is unwinnable, and the cost to her for standing up for her values will end up being her relationship with her son. He has clearly already rejected the values she intends for him to have, and as an adult he has the right to do that. As other posters have stated, she has the right to make rules for her house, but the son has the right to avoid following them by not being "under her roof". The mother will lose this one, regardless of whether she is right or not. Pre marital sex and living together are considered normal activity for the younger generation, they see nothing wrong with it. The battle lines in the generation gap have been drawn here.
I respect the mothers values here, pre-marital sex and cohabitation are sins.
In your opinion.
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