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Jaded, I'm sorry, I'm not understanding how you're arriving at the conclusion that it's the girlfriend's fault? Seems pretty clear that mom is taking a stand and son isn't cool with it. Where are you getting that this is the GF's doing?
Who said anything about fault? I merely said that she's not exactly without a say in the matter. Son isn't taking a stand...he's taking advantage of the fact that his GF's parents allow them to share a room. He's 26!
OP, do you know for sure her parents don't mind them sleeping in the same room? Has he stated this to you?
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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wtf @ this thread.
The son is a grown man. He is an adult. Presumably he loves his girlfriend. His girlfriend is also an adult. I see nothing illegal or immoral about this situation!
What bad example is he setting for teenagers? That one should sleep with someone they love? How is that a bad example?
btw, in many states in the United States of America, and under English common law in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, there is a legal concept of "common law marriage", meaning if you have lived with someone as lovers in the same home for a number of years, you are considered married for such purposes as property rights, visitation rights etc.
The son is a grown man. He is an adult. Presumably he loves his girlfriend. His girlfriend is also an adult. I see nothing illegal or immoral about this situation!
What bad example is he setting for teenagers? That one should sleep with someone they love? How is that a bad example?
btw, in many states in the United States of America, and under English common law in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, there is a legal concept of "common law marriage", meaning if you have lived with someone as lovers in the same home for a number of years, you are considered married for such purposes as property rights, visitation rights etc.
Its a respect issue. The OP is not comfortable with the expectation that she should allow her son's gf to sleep with him in his room, and that a guest of her home not sleep in the guest room.
Btw, the common law marriage concept actually is not allowed in many many states of the USA and contracted in only a few.
Sorry I've not been around... I checked the thread this morning before heading off to work. Then I got home and check the thread again and saw it had exploded beyond what I thought it would. So I didn't had time to sit and read everything until now.
They both have a lot of friends all over the place and few other family members as well. Even when my son was single, he would still be gone a lot. He would be here in the morning then be gone and half of the time he'd not be back for dinner and sometime he didn't even come back until the next day.
But what helped is, on the day he have no plan, it is easier for us to visit or come up with something to do than try to call him then pencil in the time and arrange everything.
Ever since he got with this girl and start to stay at her parent's place, it is much harder due to the distance and having to make a arrange for when I'm not working which isn't always easy.
I just really don't feel comfortable with allowing them to share the same bed. My husband and I both never shared the bed under our parents' roof until we were married. We were going to do this with our children. The other kids are 16 and 14 years old.
Then if our other relatives find out that we allows them to share the room, they would start to question us about it.
So it is much simpler and easier to just keep them in the separate room.
I don't think he is being passive aggressive. I think he just simply don't want to follow the rule.
I'm just upset that he couldn't make this sacrifice for a few days. I'm afraid if I let him do it then I'd have to do the same for other two and I don't like that idea at all and my husband sure isn't going to either.
This is your son! Do you want to see him for a few hours a year because you r worried about what other people even relatives will say? Youre all losing out on precious family time together that u can never get back because u r worried about what other people will say.
Can someone explain to me how it's disrespectful for the OP's son to follow her rules? It basically boils down to "You can stay here but only under this condition" and he is saying "I am not okay with that condition so I will stay elsewhere". It's like some people think the only respectful course of action is for the son to stay with his parents and sleep in a separate room from his gf.
Is it really only respectful if one specific outcome of the either/or statement happens?
As for me personally, when I go home to visit, I stay in a hotel with my bf, but that is because neither set of parents would allow us to stay together in their house at all (unless we got married). So our choices are to stay separately with our families or stay together in a hotel. We stay in a hotel and visit the families. It's the best choice because we are abiding by their rules while still doing what we want to do (stay together).
I just don't understand how this is disrespectful, immature, or selfish...maturity and respectfulness doesn't come from picking the course of action that mom would choose...in an attempt to make her happy...how mature is someone who won't make their own decisions? I can understand that you'd be happier if he stayed with you, but I don't think it is fair to be upset with him for abiding by your rules, even if he's not choosing your preferred part of your either/or statement.
I would love to sit here with my coffee and read through 20 pages of replies but I cannot. I imagine you'll get answers all over the board. I'm a Christian and I understand that morally you have an issue with your son's lifestyle. But some people *never* get married and chose to live like your son is living, even having children. What will you do then? He's an adult, he's made a decision to share his life with this girl for over 2 years now. He probably just wants her to be an accepted part of the family. You have drawn a line in the sand and are making him choose.
Blind Spot, I agree. The kid is respecting her rules.
Now she has a choice to make. Does she stick to her righteous convictions or does she loosen up, to heck with what the relatives think, and spend more time with her son and the woman he loves.
I would love to sit here with my coffee and read through 20 pages of replies but I cannot. I imagine you'll get answers all over the board. I'm a Christian and I understand that morally you have an issue with your son's lifestyle. But some people *never* get married and chose to live like your son is living, even having children. What will you do then? He's an adult, he's made a decision to share his life with this girl for over 2 years now. He probably just wants her to be an accepted part of the family. You have drawn a line in the sand and are making him choose.
Christians do their best to follow Christ's teachings and example, so I can't help but wonder what Jesus would do in this situation. Would he recommend a mother turn her son away for the night because he doesn't conform to her believes?
Not to make too big a deal out of it, but according to the Bible (Matt. 1; Lk. 2: 5), though Joseph and Mary were betrothed but not yet married when they traveled to Bethlehem, they still spent the night together in the stable. One assumes they were sleeping together on the trip there as well.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
It is a big ol' passive-aggressive battle.
What they BOTH want is for the other to respect their choices. It's not happening by default.
I happen to be of the belief that the son should defer to his parents out of respect and love for his parents. It CAN be done with integrity as an adult child.
Obviously many here disagree.
*shrug*
"Obviously many here disagree." I would figure that should tell you something. I stand by my original position that the mother is only hurting her own self.
"Obviously many here disagree." I would figure that should tell you something. I stand by my original position that the mother is only hurting her own self.
And her family. The son is not spending much time with his siblings or his father either.
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