Son and his girlfriend barely visit due to sleeping arrangement (divorce, drugs)
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I don't think he is being passive aggressive. I think he just simply don't want to follow the rule.
I'm just upset that he couldn't make this sacrifice for a few days. I'm afraid if I let him do it then I'd have to do the same for other two and I don't like that idea at all and my husband sure isn't going to either.
This is the part you are missing... he is following your rule.... you just don't like the result. That is your problem. ... not his.
It sounds like the son is bitter with the OP's decision to not allow the girlfriend to sleep in, and is taking it out by not visiting as much or as often.
The son could just bite the bullet for a night or two and abide by the OP's wishes, or the OP could relent. Either way would work.
Well, at the end of the day, the OP was not asking if she was right or wrong in her beliefs. She was asking how to get her son to understand that he's not being fair. And the answer to that seems pretty simple.
You don't. Because he obviously doesn't see it that he's being "unfair" and he seems happy enough with the arrangements he and his girlfriend have chosen to get around the issue. Otherwise he would do something about it. Like get a motel room or decide to just sleep in separate rooms.
Last edited by WhereTheSidewalkEnds; 06-30-2014 at 08:26 AM..
Well, at the end of the day, the OP was not asking if she was right or wrong in her beliefs. She was asking how to get her son to understand that he's not being fair. And the answer to that seems pretty simple.
You don't. Because he obviously doesn't see it that he's being "unfair" and he seems happy enough with the arrangements he and his girlfriend have chosen to get around the issue. Otherwise he would do something about it. Like get a motel room and decide to just sleep in separate rooms.
Yes.
The time has come to accept your son as an autonomous adult with his own standards of morality. He isn't asking you to change your own, he just doesn't share them.
At the age of 26, your influence over him is marginal at best. If he treats his girlfriend well, if he has made his own way in the world, and if he still keeps in touch with his family, you've done a good job of raising him. Be proud of his independence.
Even when our son was 28 years old and engaged to be married, he just assumed that he and his fiancé would be sleeping in different rooms in our house because he respected my husband's (and my) moral values that under our roof unmarried people do not sleep together. My husband (and I) did not have any problems visiting our son & his fiancé in their home, that they shared together briefly before they were married, as my husband said "Their home, their rules".
When our daughter brought home a man that she was dating very seriously, again she didn't have to ask, she just knew that they would be sleeping in different rooms during their visit.
Just because a couple sleeps together in their own apartment why should they feel that they "need to sleep together" in someone else's home. There may be lots of things that they do in their own apartment, from using drugs, to smoking, to walking around nude, to drinking, but out of respect for their hosts they skip that activity while being a guest in someone's home.
My husband smokes cigarettes, and if we were guests in someone's home he would never say "I smoke in my house, so I demand to smoke here."
We eat bacon & ham in our house, but if we visited a Jewish home we would never say "We eat ham in our house, so we will eat it here."
We eat meat, fish & chicken in our house, but have several relatives that are vegetarians we would never say "We eat meat in our house, so we will eat it here." We eat what they serve us.
People are forgetting that you should show respect for your hosts, even if they are your parents.
I have read page after page, after page on this this thread and most people are telling the parents to forgo their moral values and allow the son & GF to sleep in the same room because "he is an adult", "it is outdated to not allow unmarried couples to sleep together", "they sleep together in their own apartment so what is the big deal" , and similar responses.
I think that readers are forgetting the overall point----that when you are a guest in someone's home it is polite, mature, and adult-like to show respect for their wishes.
What if the OP had said "My son and his GF are nudists and insist that they are nude during their entire visit. I am not comfortable with them being nude around my husband and me and our other children"
Would all the C-D readers continue to blame the OP for being "outdated" and say "he's an adult he should be able to do that when he visits your home", "he has been doing it for years in his own apartment so he should be able to do it while on vacation" and similar responses. I really doubt it.
Or my previous examples, insisting on smoking in a non-smoking home, insisting on eating bacon & ham when visiting a Jewish home and insisting on eating meat in a vegetarian home. Even if he is an adult and does it in his apartment and has done it for years, can't he forgo smoking, eating bacon & meat in your house for a few days if that is your preference, religious or moral beliefs? And, I'm not even stating out of the norm example such as watching porn, doing drugs or devil worship, just normal everyday examples.
What if the son has two big dogs and his family is allergic to dogs and does not allow dogs in their home, should he be allowed to bring them on his visit "because he is an adult", "because he has had them for a long time", or "he allows dogs in his own apartment"? I doubt if many people would say yes to that.
It is sad for the family that they don't get to spend a lot of time with son when he visits and perhaps they can correct that by scheduling activities in advance, visiting him half way between the towns or in his GF's town or in other ways but IMHO they do not have to allow him to sleep in the same bed with his GF in their home. Perhaps in a few years, after the other children leave home or when other circumstances change (like they become engaged) they may change their minds. But, it is still their home and they decide what is allowed under their roof. If they never change their minds on allowing unmarried people to sleep together in their home it is their right and I feel that they are being unreasonably criticized for their beliefs.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-30-2014 at 08:50 AM..
They certainly don't have to allow anything they don't want to but they have to be ok with the consequences of that (son not staying with them). But I do think its a bit silly for parents to have rules for adult children like they would have for under-age children. If its the same rules they would have for any guests then fine, but specific rules for adult children just seems like not acknowledging that they are adults now.
I think that readers are forgetting the overall point----that when you are a guest in someone's home it is polite, mature, and adult-like to show respect for their wishes.
That's why they aren't staying in her home. Mom made her choice and now has to deal with the consequences. As to your other points, Me being nude in your house directly effects you. Bringing dogs in when you are allergic direct effects you. Eating meet in a vegetarians is only relevant if they are making the vegetarian eat the meat, something with the Jews and the ham. Adult son sleeping with his adult live in girlfriend, has no effect on mom. If mom wants son to stay, she needs to respect him enough to respect his choices in life.
The mother is not saying, "Fine. Have a great life." She wants the son to visit more.
Telling the son he is immature and selfish and to zip it up and follow the rules is not going to get him to spend the night there. He's made that clear.
Get it?
Yeah I "get it". And there's no way as a parent that I would change my values and do something I believed to be wrong just to make my son happy. So perhaps she (the mother) will bend or perhaps she won't. I'm just stating my opinion, like everyone else. GET IT?
My son is 26 years old. We don't want him to share room because it is a bad example to other kids here and it is against our morals.
If he live with his girlfriend, then why can't they just spend a few nights sleeping in separate bed?
Either you want your ADULT son with a LIVE-IN girlfriend to visit, or you don't.
Frankly your continued staunch disgust at their co-habituating will more than likely net you no invitation for their wedding.
Your moral high-ground is becoming an island.
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