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Put your phone up your bum if you have to. Take her door off the hinges if you have to....basically get tough and if she don't like it, have her removed fom the lease and toss her butt out the door
Also, even with her phone service off, she can still call 911 and there's text now which is free to download and she could use with wifi.
I have an 18 and 15 yr old. My 18 yr old just graduated. He's volunteering where I work and I pay for his cell service. He'll be volunteering for the church youth group too this summer. Once in a while i toss him a couple of bucks. He's getting experience, and near the end of summer will be job seeking. However, there have been times where his service lapsed and he was still able to text me with that feature or msg me on FB. Kids these days are savvy and resourceful
I've read most of the posts here and the ones that you posted back in 2013. I'm confused about a lot of these issues, yet one thing stands out. HOW can you possibly be the Mother you seem to want to be if you haven't gotten your addiction and pain under control yet? If I get things mixed up here I apologize, but you seem to be on the fence if you want to quit drinking or not. And I never saw anything in any posts if there's ANY responsible relative or family member who can take your daughter in until YOUR life is straightened out. NO you cannot change the past. NO you cannot get past the guilt. Not today, but one day you can.
I see nothing anywhere as to if you even believe in God, so the next part sounds easy. If somewhere in your heart and soul you see that you need God, it's time to put up or shut up. Either accept him and his Son so you can start over with a FRESH AND CLEAN heart, or you don't. That's just one tiny step. You've covered everything with so many layers of crud you have no clue which layer to even peel off yet. You daughter hurts as much as you do. You want to control an uncontrollable situation, and you can't. Not as long as you still not only have issues, but subscriptions. And somehow somewhere I get the impression that you both feed off of each other to stay EXACTLY where you are. Broken. Sad. Hurt. Bleeding inside. Staying stuck is far less painful that opening old wounds and moving on. I hate to say this-but only by working thru your pain and addiction can you ever possibly expect to become whole again, and learn to love you daughter properly. She doesn't know how to respond except with the anger and pain she feels. I'm not condoning her behavior, and you need to start learning new behaviors yourself if you ever want to be a better role model. Tough? You betcha. lovesmountains and Kippie42 have VERY good points.
And the other poster(sorry forgot who) who pointed out that an Internet forum isn't going to help anything is quite correct. If your daughter uses drugs, or drinks to excess, or is in a risky sexual situation that that's a separate issue to be dealt with. And so is the position of her irresponsible behaviors and attitudes. As I said- I don't see/know the whole story, but you want to get better? Start with you. You keeping your focus on her isn't helping her or you. If you two simply cannot exist under the same roof, then look into shelters. Go to an AA meeting if for nothing else but to help find answers. You cannot fix this in an online forum. Your daughter hates that she lost her Mother a long time ago. You can't help you and fix her and stop drinking and get better and have a new life and stop the guilt all in one day.
If you both aren't in counseling, then GO. That is the biggest condition to her staying under the roof that you both are trapped in. You say to her that the ONE thing that is NON-NEGOTIABLE is that you BOTH go to counseling. Either together or separate. Stop the blame game. It's not longer all "your" fault or all her "fault". And if she refuses to go to any counseling, then there are consequences. If you have cable TV in your name-shut it off. It you have internet at the apartment, then shut it off until she stops her crud. You don't need them to survive. And if/when she is willing to meet you at least 1/4 to 1/2 way, then re-connect them. She doesn't need a fancy phone. She can make do with a basic cheap phone until she earns the "right" to whatever phone she probably "'demands" from you. If she comes and goes as she pleases, you need to start putting some sort of expectations/rules on her regardless of if she's going to honor them or not. That way you're at least showing her(in tiny steps) that you care and expect her to behave like an adult. I suspect that she's stuck at a younger age whenever you started drinking, and that she still feels scared and vulnerable and that she can't trust you.. Yet. If she sees you still acting out of control, then how can you expect her to get her act together? It's not all you, not all her. You both need COUNSELING. NOW. This is my take on what I've read in these posts., and have no clue as to what will work or won't. Except deciding if you need God or a higher power in your life. You cannot go this alone.
At the very least -- AA meetings for mom and Al-anon for the daughter.
Mom needs emotional support from others who understand recovery issues but so does the daughter I think.
Someone who feels guilt can be more easily manipulated -- and that is bad for a relationship.
I know one woman trying to recover and she's been clean for 5 years - from meth but her son treats her badly and tries to make her always feel guilty for things that happened when she was using drugs. That cannot be helpful -- of course she already feels guilt but if someone is trying to stay in recovery and stay clean -- then family members should just go ahead and forgive them and everyone should move on.
However that may take counseling for all -- they're also damaged and they need to understand the control issues that arise from addiction.
As someone whose mother had similar problems while I was growing up, the only way to overcome them is to move as far away as possible. Your addiction has more to do with what you're surrounding yourself with. You need to start fresh and you need to completely remove yourself from your current surroundings. When you move, you need to not get back into whatever bad habits you have.
But don't take your daughter with you.
Give her enough time to get a job started, save some money for a security deposit somewhere, enough to pay rent. Give her a reasonable time limit to do this, but tell her you are leaving.
edit: I'm talking several states away. Maybe 1000 miles. Somewhere where you can't just retreat back to your comfort zone for a weekend.
The most important thing is to respect her, and help her get what she needs.
Help her get a small studio apartment, a long way from your apartment. Arrange for her to be taken off your lease. Offer to pay her deposit and her first three months' rent, at her new studio apartment, in return for cooperation with the change of lease etc. Be positive. You're not kicking her out; you're helping her become independent and get her own apartment. Offer to help her move, and even to help her decorate her new apartment.
Tell her, while she's moving, that after you pay her first three months rent, she's on her own, and had better never ask you for money again. Anytime she asks for money, regardless of her excuse, hang up on her. The first time, tell her you're going to hang up anytime she asks for money. From then on, hang up silently.
It's very important that she understand that if she doesn't get a job fast enough, she's going to be homeless, and it's not going to involve you at all. You're going to hang up on her anytime she asks for any kind of help such as to get another apartment or get a job or anything. She will be entirely on her own, and needs to do all that herself. Tell her again and again, and tell her you're very worried that she might not understand how serious it is. So she can't claim you didn't warn her.
Also tell her she's not to visit you in person till after she has been financially stable for at least a year, meaning no late rent payments and no unemployment. If she tries to visit you in person, get a restraining order, and take it very seriously, calling the police for every violation, and never listening to any excuses.
Every child deserves a decent education. She's going to be enrolled in the school of hard knocks. Do whatever it takes to refrain from trying to steal that education from her by giving her money or anything else that could obstruct her learning process. She's likely to become homeless for at least a number of months, if not more. That will be an important part of her education, so don't try to steal that either.
That sounds like all pretty good advice. A 19 year old who isn't in school and isn't working is headed for problems if something doesn't change for them fast.
One of my sons has a buddy like that -- he doesn't do much of anything -- I asked my son why this kid isn't working and he said that it's hard to get a job when you've never had one --- but the longer that goes, the harder it's going to be to get a job.
Sometimes a little distance improves things -- the daughter may do better when she's in her own place and having to hold down a job. They may develop a much friendlier relationship.
I am not going to dance around anything or beat around the bush. I am reaping what I've sown. My daughter has zero respect for me. Some of it is my fault, some is just her being a self-absorbed teenager. I have not been a good disciplinarian. I basically am afraid of retaliation from her. I did attend parenting classes and did learn useful information and did use it on occasion.
But here I am, she is now 19, living under my roof (but on the lease because she's an "adult"), and she has no job, zero ambition, seems to be depressed, was seeing a psychiatrist and was on meds, but went off them. She acts like she hates me and the world. She goes in and out as she pleases, sometimes staying out all night, never telling me where she's going or who she's with or when she'll be back.
As has been the case for years, if I take something away from her to discipline her, she retaliates by taking something away from me. This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her.
I know what I need to do, but I am too wimpy to do it and if I did, I'm unsure how to assert to her what will happen if she continues down this road. I want to have a sit down and tell her that this all needs to stop or she will be told to move out. So this is more about semantics and what exactly to say to her when the time is right (which, yes, was over a year ago) so that I can get this all resolved fairly peacefully, if that's possible.
For example if I say don't ever take my phone again or I will turn off your service, then we'll just go in circles. I'll say give me my phone, she'll say turn on my service. I know that because she took my phone, her service should remain off for at least 24 hours if not more after returning my phone. But because of how wimpy I've been all these years, it will just not go down like that. I'll end up turning it on so I can get my phone back.
Please don't rag on me too hard, as I said, I know I'm reaping what I've sown. Just please tell me what to do and say, like you're talking to a six year old....(to quote Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia). Thanks in advance.
P.S. Here is another example of something going on right now, and I never know what exactly to do, or say:
The air conditioning is on, it's 90+ outside, and she goes and opens her blinds and window. So do I go up to her and say excuse me, it's hot as blazes outside, I've got the air on, if you open the window, that's going to heat up the house and cost me more money. Close your window now. But I already know, she will tell me to get out and leave her alone and that it is her bedroom. And I'll wimp out and leave and stomp out like a child. Yes, I suck!!!
What a nightmare. She is an adult so you can't discipline her. Why are you even trying. How long is your lease? The best advice I have is to move when the lease is up. She is an adult and should do the same. You are not responsible for her anymore.
I am not going to dance around anything or beat around the bush. I am reaping what I've sown. My daughter has zero respect for me. Some of it is my fault, some is just her being a self-absorbed teenager. I have not been a good disciplinarian. I basically am afraid of retaliation from her. I did attend parenting classes and did learn useful information and did use it on occasion.
But here I am, she is now 19, living under my roof (but on the lease because she's an "adult"), and she has no job, zero ambition, seems to be depressed, was seeing a psychiatrist and was on meds, but went off them. She acts like she hates me and the world. She goes in and out as she pleases, sometimes staying out all night, never telling me where she's going or who she's with or when she'll be back.
As has been the case for years, if I take something away from her to discipline her, she retaliates by taking something away from me. This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her.
I know what I need to do, but I am too wimpy to do it and if I did, I'm unsure how to assert to her what will happen if she continues down this road. I want to have a sit down and tell her that this all needs to stop or she will be told to move out. So this is more about semantics and what exactly to say to her when the time is right (which, yes, was over a year ago) so that I can get this all resolved fairly peacefully, if that's possible.
For example if I say don't ever take my phone again or I will turn off your service, then we'll just go in circles. I'll say give me my phone, she'll say turn on my service. I know that because she took my phone, her service should remain off for at least 24 hours if not more after returning my phone. But because of how wimpy I've been all these years, it will just not go down like that. I'll end up turning it on so I can get my phone back.
Please don't rag on me too hard, as I said, I know I'm reaping what I've sown. Just please tell me what to do and say, like you're talking to a six year old....(to quote Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia). Thanks in advance.
P.S. Here is another example of something going on right now, and I never know what exactly to do, or say:
The air conditioning is on, it's 90+ outside, and she goes and opens her blinds and window. So do I go up to her and say excuse me, it's hot as blazes outside, I've got the air on, if you open the window, that's going to heat up the house and cost me more money. Close your window now. But I already know, she will tell me to get out and leave her alone and that it is her bedroom. And I'll wimp out and leave and stomp out like a child. Yes, I suck!!!
She knows you're afraid of her, and that she has you wrapped around her little finger. She also sounds lazy, disrespectful, and if you want to wake up someday and wonder why you have a rude, lazy and disrespectful 40 (yes FORTY!) year old in your basement, then keep going the way you are. Your child is not a child anymore. If she can't live by your rules, and contribute to the household income, or be in school full time so that she can have a better future, then it's time for her to move out.
She is over 18 years old , so as long as she is going to school , then she is an Adult .....So if she does not go to school then you should charge her $20 per week to live in your home
I am not going to dance around anything or beat around the bush. I am reaping what I've sown. My daughter has zero respect for me. Some of it is my fault, some is just her being a self-absorbed teenager. I have not been a good disciplinarian. I basically am afraid of retaliation from her. I did attend parenting classes and did learn useful information and did use it on occasion.
But here I am, she is now 19, living under my roof (but on the lease because she's an "adult"), and she has no job, zero ambition, seems to be depressed, was seeing a psychiatrist and was on meds, but went off them. She acts like she hates me and the world. She goes in and out as she pleases, sometimes staying out all night, never telling me where she's going or who she's with or when she'll be back.
As has been the case for years, if I take something away from her to discipline her, she retaliates by taking something away from me. This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her.
I know what I need to do, but I am too wimpy to do it and if I did, I'm unsure how to assert to her what will happen if she continues down this road. I want to have a sit down and tell her that this all needs to stop or she will be told to move out. So this is more about semantics and what exactly to say to her when the time is right (which, yes, was over a year ago) so that I can get this all resolved fairly peacefully, if that's possible.
For example if I say don't ever take my phone again or I will turn off your service, then we'll just go in circles. I'll say give me my phone, she'll say turn on my service. I know that because she took my phone, her service should remain off for at least 24 hours if not more after returning my phone. But because of how wimpy I've been all these years, it will just not go down like that. I'll end up turning it on so I can get my phone back.
Please don't rag on me too hard, as I said, I know I'm reaping what I've sown. Just please tell me what to do and say, like you're talking to a six year old....(to quote Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia). Thanks in advance.
P.S. Here is another example of something going on right now, and I never know what exactly to do, or say:
The air conditioning is on, it's 90+ outside, and she goes and opens her blinds and window. So do I go up to her and say excuse me, it's hot as blazes outside, I've got the air on, if you open the window, that's going to heat up the house and cost me more money. Close your window now. But I already know, she will tell me to get out and leave her alone and that it is her bedroom. And I'll wimp out and leave and stomp out like a child. Yes, I suck!!!
You can't evict her or tell her to move out since she's on the lease.
You'll have to move at the end of the lease and not take her with you to your new rental.
I'm not recommending you abandon her. I'm simply clarifying that her being on the lease limits how you do it if you want to.
I know a single mother of the 3 adult children that did just that. They didn't believe she'd move but the moving trucks came and took her to the new place without the kids. They had to stay with various relatives/friends but in the end they became self sufficient. Tough love does work.
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This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her. 