Unruly 19-year-old under my roof (teenagers, support, children, learn)
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Stop giving into her is one thing. The next time she takes someone of yours, call the police and press charges. Maybe if you start doing that she will realize she isn't going to get her way. That's why she does this stuff to you because she knows you will always bend in the end.
OP, if you know in your heart what to do, then do it and don't back off. Don't allow your daughter (and everyone else) bully you out of it. She does evidently have a lot of anger towards you and it's not going to be resolved until she's ready to meet you at that place. Which means in the time to get to that place (if she ever does), you're going to be her punching bag. You need to remove yourself out of the equation and encourage her to seek help, get a job and help her move on with her life.
As for the situation that's going on, keep her door closed and place towels at the bottom of the door. She's probably going to get mad, but... it is out of her room and you have to do what you gotta do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok
Given the history, I wouldn't cut off any cell service. I'd take away everything else, but she needs to be able to call 911.
Little fact: you do not need service to call 911. The companies are required by law to provide that at no charge.
I'm sorry, how is it okay for the OP to stick the landlord with the problem child? The eviction process is costly, long and completely aggravating. What if the OP's landlord is a private person with one or two rentals who would lose dearly if they got into a legal battle with the hellion child?
Its's wrong IMO to suggest the OP should bail and leave the landlord to deal with her. It's not a victimless thing to do. The OP should not do that if she has any respect for other people and their property.
You need therapy asap preferably with a cognative behavioralist. You need someone to give you step by step methods in dealing with your daughter. You don't have time for talk therapy and trying to understand why you are the way you are. You can do that at a later time. In the meantime,you need to be seeing someone once a week for help and support. You're being emotionally bullied by your daughter.
You can't evict her or tell her to move out since she's on the lease.
You'll have to move at the end of the lease and not take her with you to your new rental.
I'm not recommending you abandon her. I'm simply clarifying that her being on the lease limits how you do it if you want to.
You can still tell them to move out -- and different states may have different laws on grown children demanding their parents house and feed them forever. I am not afraid to throw my kids out -- and they know I'm not afraid.
In fact I start showing my kids where the door is before they turn 18 and remind them I'm only obligated to support them until age 18 then the deals' off -- unless I want to keep them and they want to stay.
In this case, maybe telling the adult child that the lease is up and then the OP will go her own way and the adult child can go her own way so it's time for her to get off her lazy rear end and get a job.
A parent doesn't do a child any favors at all when the parent allows the child to lay around doing nothing with themselves. The whole goal of parenthood is to get the child to independent adulthood.
I am not going to dance around anything or beat around the bush. I am reaping what I've sown. My daughter has zero respect for me. Some of it is my fault, some is just her being a self-absorbed teenager. I have not been a good disciplinarian. I basically am afraid of retaliation from her. I did attend parenting classes and did learn useful information and did use it on occasion.
But here I am, she is now 19, living under my roof (but on the lease because she's an "adult"), and she has no job, zero ambition, seems to be depressed, was seeing a psychiatrist and was on meds, but went off them. She acts like she hates me and the world. She goes in and out as she pleases, sometimes staying out all night, never telling me where she's going or who she's with or when she'll be back.
As has been the case for years, if I take something away from her to discipline her, she retaliates by taking something away from me. This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her.
I know what I need to do, but I am too wimpy to do it and if I did, I'm unsure how to assert to her what will happen if she continues down this road. I want to have a sit down and tell her that this all needs to stop or she will be told to move out. So this is more about semantics and what exactly to say to her when the time is right (which, yes, was over a year ago) so that I can get this all resolved fairly peacefully, if that's possible.
For example if I say don't ever take my phone again or I will turn off your service, then we'll just go in circles. I'll say give me my phone, she'll say turn on my service. I know that because she took my phone, her service should remain off for at least 24 hours if not more after returning my phone. But because of how wimpy I've been all these years, it will just not go down like that. I'll end up turning it on so I can get my phone back.
Please don't rag on me too hard, as I said, I know I'm reaping what I've sown. Just please tell me what to do and say, like you're talking to a six year old....(to quote Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia). Thanks in advance.
P.S. Here is another example of something going on right now, and I never know what exactly to do, or say:
The air conditioning is on, it's 90+ outside, and she goes and opens her blinds and window. So do I go up to her and say excuse me, it's hot as blazes outside, I've got the air on, if you open the window, that's going to heat up the house and cost me more money. Close your window now. But I already know, she will tell me to get out and leave her alone and that it is her bedroom. And I'll wimp out and leave and stomp out like a child. Yes, I suck!!!
Turn off all outside luxury services, your cell phone included and get a landline that only dials 911 calls.
Take all electronics and valuables and put them away in storage and put anything else you do not want destroyed in storage. Keep only absolute necessities in the house and honestly I would take my own clothing out of the house and keep it elsewhere so she doesn't destroy it.
As soon as you can move to a new rental and do not take her with you and do not allow anyone else on the lease.
I would not even tell anyone your physical address, get a post office box for any and all mail deliveries.
Change all the passwords on any of the accounts you have on the computer and just to be safe I would get all new credit cards and debit cards if you have them.
If she has access to your bank account get her access removed immediately as well.
When you move be sure to have all utilities shut off that are in your name.
After you get all of this done don't have any contact with her and if she goes to your place of employment call the Police and have them remove her.
Make sure she does not have keys to your vehicle either.
You are certainly correct when you say you raised a monster and now the monster is of legal age and you are not legally responsible for her care.
I'm sorry, how is it okay for the OP to stick the landlord with the problem child? The eviction process is costly, long and completely aggravating. What if the OP's landlord is a private person with one or two rentals who would lose dearly if they got into a legal battle with the hellion child?
Its's wrong IMO to suggest the OP should bail and leave the landlord to deal with her. It's not a victimless thing to do. The OP should not do that if she has any respect for other people and their property.
Except that at age 19, she's not really a problem child any more, she's a problem adult. If she were a spouse, it would be time for divorce. Once a child becomes an adult, it's really too late to try to raise them or discipline them. It seems like a bad roommate situation, what would you do if you had a terrible and abusive roommate? I think talking to the landlord would be a good first step. If the lease is about over, it's a good time for the OP to go her separate way. It would be good to let the daughter know now that she intends to move on without her, that their roommate situation just isn't working.
Consider this. God forbid if you walked out the door and didn't come back. At the very least as a parent you need to teach her how to stand on her own feet because no decent man is going to put up with that.
Give her a hard time limit to get her act together and stick by it because your not helping her to become self sufficient. She has every right to be unruly but in life there are consequences to actions.
Then again you know your limitations so just accept it and just wait for her to get that boyfriend mother's hope their daughters never hook up with. Then the real drama starts when she moves him in.
There comes a point in life where you have to stop blaming and pointing fingers and take charge of your own life.
I had the worst parents ever and had been through some major atrocities. As an adult you have to decide that your life is now in your hands. Not your parents. You can choose to live one way because of them or another in spite of.
I'm reading between the lines here that the OP may not have been the best mom but it seems she is trying to be better. Her daughter has hit the point where it's her own decisions that need to guide her life and quit pointing the finger at mom. Her daughter will really feel much better in doing so. I wish there was a way for the daughter to read some of this. Sometimes you need to step outside the bubble of your own world to really see what's going on inside of it.
Except that at age 19, she's not really a problem child any more, she's a problem adult. If she were a spouse, it would be time for divorce. Once a child becomes an adult, it's really too late to try to raise them or discipline them. It seems like a bad roommate situation, what would you do if you had a terrible and abusive roommate? I think talking to the landlord would be a good first step. If the lease is about over, it's a good time for the OP to go her separate way. It would be good to let the daughter know now that she intends to move on without her, that their roommate situation just isn't working.
Then they should both move out. This is not a roommate situation. You haven't admittedly made mistakes raising your roommates. It's not cool to arrange to move out leaving your child, regardless of their age, for the landlord to evict has some have suggested.
This isn't some stranger that you got off of Craigslist. What do you think the landlord is going to do if you talk to them? Do you think they want to be stuck with this? They aren't social services. The daughter has no means of support, can't pay rent, so you are knowingly sticking the landlord with a bunch of problems that you (the OP) admit you created.
I didn't say anything about disciplining the daughter. If you want to move, move. But don't leave your mess for others to clean up. It's not right.
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This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her. 