Unruly 19-year-old under my roof (girl, accident, play, engage)
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OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation. However, it sounds like you are not at the point where you feel empowered enough to deal with your daughter the way you need to. You need professional help. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic or mean way. You seriously need to find someone who can help you make the hard choices that you did not make years ago. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can put on someone else's.
Thanks for all the responses, appreciate it. One thing though, as some of you indicate, you remember/know me from other posts, so you should know that I just moved into a new place to get rid of the ex-husband, so uh yeah, no, I do not want to move again.
Why was the daughter added to the lease? She doesn't have a job, has no income. Is the mother on Section 8 or some other charity voucher, that mandated that the adult daughter be added to the voucher and the lease? This may be why the OP cannot so easily separate her living situation from her daughter's - if mom is on a charity voucher together with daughter, it's a lot of work to get this separated.
No Section 8 or anything like that involved. The apartment complex simply mandated that anyone over 18 must be on the lease.
I am not going to dance around anything or beat around the bush. I am reaping what I've sown. My daughter has zero respect for me. Some of it is my fault, some is just her being a self-absorbed teenager. I have not been a good disciplinarian. I basically am afraid of retaliation from her. I did attend parenting classes and did learn useful information and did use it on occasion.
But here I am, she is now 19, living under my roof (but on the lease because she's an "adult"), and she has no job, zero ambition, seems to be depressed, was seeing a psychiatrist and was on meds, but went off them. She acts like she hates me and the world. She goes in and out as she pleases, sometimes staying out all night, never telling me where she's going or who she's with or when she'll be back.
As has been the case for years, if I take something away from her to discipline her, she retaliates by taking something away from me. This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her.
I know what I need to do, but I am too wimpy to do it and if I did, I'm unsure how to assert to her what will happen if she continues down this road. I want to have a sit down and tell her that this all needs to stop or she will be told to move out. So this is more about semantics and what exactly to say to her when the time is right (which, yes, was over a year ago) so that I can get this all resolved fairly peacefully, if that's possible.
For example if I say don't ever take my phone again or I will turn off your service, then we'll just go in circles. I'll say give me my phone, she'll say turn on my service. I know that because she took my phone, her service should remain off for at least 24 hours if not more after returning my phone. But because of how wimpy I've been all these years, it will just not go down like that. I'll end up turning it on so I can get my phone back.
Please don't rag on me too hard, as I said, I know I'm reaping what I've sown. Just please tell me what to do and say, like you're talking to a six year old....(to quote Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia). Thanks in advance.
P.S. Here is another example of something going on right now, and I never know what exactly to do, or say:
The air conditioning is on, it's 90+ outside, and she goes and opens her blinds and window. So do I go up to her and say excuse me, it's hot as blazes outside, I've got the air on, if you open the window, that's going to heat up the house and cost me more money. Close your window now. But I already know, she will tell me to get out and leave her alone and that it is her bedroom. And I'll wimp out and leave and stomp out like a child. Yes, I suck!!!
There's nothing any of us can say that you don't already know. I don't care what the situation is, your daughter has no right to treat you in this manner. Kick her out of the apartment and have them change the locks, or you move and leave her behind.
No Section 8 or anything like that involved. The apartment complex simply mandated that anyone over 18 must be on the lease.
OP, don't you have a 12 year old as well? If you're having problems with booze, as some have suggested, please go get detoxed. There's no way to solve any of these problems if you don't. Your younger child will act out too. Please don't let that happen. There's no shame in getting help if you need it. You won't be the first and certainly not the last. You deserve better, and so do your kids. If that's the case, do it. Do it NOW.
You can still tell them to move out -- and different states may have different laws on grown children demanding their parents house and feed them forever. I am not afraid to throw my kids out -- and they know I'm not afraid.
Since the daughter's name is on the lease, it's not just the OP's house. It's both of theirs jointly. It's like both of their names being on the deed to a home. They have an equal right to live there legally.
I'm sorry, how is it okay for the OP to stick the landlord with the problem child? The eviction process is costly, long and completely aggravating. What if the OP's landlord is a private person with one or two rentals who would lose dearly if they got into a legal battle with the hellion child?
Its's wrong IMO to suggest the OP should bail and leave the landlord to deal with her. It's not a victimless thing to do. The OP should not do that if she has any respect for other people and their property.
Agreed. That's why she should go to the LL and discuss her issue. Heck, maybe the LL was wanting to get rid of them anyway? Who knows.
Communication is the key.
It will depend on the LL and what their situation/personality is. I certainly wouldn't condone sticking it to the LL as they haven't done anything wrong. But I would talk to them and see if they might be willing to try to help.
Since the daughter's name is on the lease, it's not just the OP's house. It's both of theirs jointly. It's like both of their names being on the deed to a home. They have an equal right to live there legally.
Since you only just moved into this place, and since her name is on the lease, too, your only choice is to negotiate an exit for her. Get help from a relative. Plan on sitting down together with her for an "intervention". The only goal is to get her to agree to move out. "I only took her phone because she took mine!" Daughter, you need to move out. "But I'm entitled to do all this because you were a terrible mother!" Daughter, you need to move out. Maybe you'll get lucky and she will just move out.
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This is a big reason why I am afraid to attempt to discipline her. 
