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Old 07-14-2014, 08:22 AM
 
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This woman and I have been getting together about once a week for playdates since our kids were tiny (they are 5 now). Her son was my son's first real friend, and really his only close friend. My son just absolutely adores this kid, and her son seems to feel the same way. The two boys would have played together all day every day if we'd let them. Suddenly, about two months ago, she stopped asking for playdates. She canceled three in a row at the very last minute, and then turned down another three or four invites from me. I tried waiting and not inviting, since I didn't want to be a pest, but my son asks every single day if he can see his friend and then cries when I tell him no. He has actually woken up in the middle of the night, sobbing because he misses his friend. I have tried playdates with other kids, but it doesn't help. He just doesn't have another friend that he loves like this boy. I have no idea why mom suddenly doesn't want to get together and have not confronted her about it, but I feel I might have to. I cannot bear to ask again for a playdate when she has said no so many times. She has never offered any excuse or apology. If she were just my friend I'd forget her and move on (I am actually kind of hurt myself by this), but my son is so heartbroken over this that I can't do that. I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask one more time for a playdate or ask her what is going on and if there is some reason she doesn't want them to play together? I don't want to be confrontational, since she obviously would have told me what's wrong if she wanted to. I also don't want to seem paranoid or desperate (although I am desperate, on behalf of my child). And I hate to be the parent who can't take a hint, but after all this time shouldn't she give more than a hint if she is trying to end this relationship? I am really torn up over this. Advice?
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
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I'm sorry you are going through this. To be honest though, she has given more than a "hint".

Let it go and continue to help your son move on. That's really all there is to do.
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:46 AM
 
Location: here
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I think something must have happened that you are not aware of. I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I would be too. You could demand to know why, or you could just move on quietly, but either way, I think the play dates are over.
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I think something must have happened that you are not aware of. I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I would be too. You could demand to know why, or you could just move on quietly, but either way, I think the play dates are over.
It's awfully hard to move on when my child can't. He asks me at least once a day to see his friend. Also, the two will be in the same class when school starts, and are scheduled to attend the same summer camp coming up in two weeks. So it's not like we'll never see them again.
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:55 AM
 
Location: here
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Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
It's awfully hard to move on when my child can't. He asks me at least once a day to see his friend. Also, the two will be in the same class when school starts, and are scheduled to attend the same summer camp coming up in two weeks. So it's not like we'll never see them again.
But what other choice do you have? You can't force them to meet up with you. You need to set the example for your son. Don't let him see you wallowing and wondering what went wrong. Put on a brave face, and move on.

Maybe it would ease the pain to invite some different kids over and broaden his horizons. Then wait for school/camp to start and see how he interacts with this kid.
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:03 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
But what other choice do you have? You can't force them to meet up with you. You need to set the example for your son. Don't let him see you wallowing and wondering what went wrong. Put on a brave face, and move on.

Maybe it would ease the pain to invite some different kids over and broaden his horizons. Then wait for school/camp to start and see how he interacts with this kid.
We DO invite other kids over. He sees other kids every day. He's not starved for playmates; he just misses his best friend. Also, I am a little concerned about what will happen when he sees his friend, since I don't know why mom has stopped the playdates. I am concerned that the friend won't want to play with him or something, and my son will be devastated. I'd really like to know what's going on before that.
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
It's awfully hard to move on when my child can't. He asks me at least once a day to see his friend. Also, the two will be in the same class when school starts, and are scheduled to attend the same summer camp coming up in two weeks. So it's not like we'll never see them again.
Of course it's hard. When people say that parenting is the hardest job, this is the kind of thing they mean. Not changing diapers. But, hard as it is, it is our job as parents to help them work through difficult times - because, unfortunately this won't be the last time things like this will happen. Rejection and disappointment happen, and it's hard. Hard on them and hard on us to see it. It will pass though. Hang in there.
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:10 AM
 
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Don't confront her, ask her why, etc.. That will seal the deal that the children's relationship will be over forever. Right now, nothing has been spoken so she could change her mind in the future when the children are older. However, if you ask her why and she tells you then it's a done deal in her mind---even when the children are older and attending school together to make plans together. If you don't say anything, the boys might be able to rekindle their friendship again someday.

It's truly, truly, truly in your son's best interest to not be soooooooooooo attached to one child. This isn't the last time this will happen in your child's life. Having more than one friend makes it easier for when it happens. Parents do this for all sorts of reasons. It's very common.

Sometimes it's because the children aren't getting along, have behavior problems together, etc. Sometimes it's because the parent doesn't like you, your husband, your lifestyle, your social status, or whatever. The parent I was talking about used to cut off friendships to punish her children---viewing their friends as the cause for whatever bad behavior they were having at home. My child lasted as a friend from 3 years old until 12 years old, while many other kids were banished from being allowed to play with her child. It was just a matter of time before my child ended up on "the list" and it started to become a joke among other kids in the school district who were on "the list."

My biggest mistake was asking her why. I thought I could because we weren't strangers. We had done many things together over the years. If the words hadn't been spoken, my son might not have been solidified on the list and they may have been able to play together sometime in the future. But when a parent says steadfast yet vague things like "we are encouraging our son to spend time with other children" and "they can be school friends" --- you're not going to take that well and the conversation is going to go downhill even if you maintain your composure because you're going to ask more questions to try to find out WHY.

Last edited by Hopes; 07-14-2014 at 09:23 AM..
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:14 AM
 
32,516 posts, read 36,985,292 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
And I hate to be the parent who can't take a hint, but after all this time shouldn't she give more than a hint if she is trying to end this relationship?
Not necessarily. The reason could be so personal she doesn't want it known. In which case she's torn up. Since the kids will be in camp and school together she has the chance to approach you if she so chooses. If she doesn't... let it go.

Your son will be meeting new kids in camp and school. Kids are resistant (if their parents raise them to be resistant) and find new best buddies.
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:15 AM
 
2,755 posts, read 4,379,941 times
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This is so upsetting. I feel for you and your son.

Maybe.... I would try asking her if you could stop by sometime and say "hi". But without your son. You can make sure she is doing ok, and express your concern that something may be wrong and offer to help. And then I would transition into saying how sad your son has been.

You never really know what is going on with other people.
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