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Oh, I believe he understands the two sides concept, my concern is elsewhere. He has had barrels of venom poured into him, especially over this last 6 months. Things were said, things were done....his mother is a very sick person. That is all I will say regarding that. I'm worried about how bes going to react when he gets the truth about matters.
I ba e things to tell him and things to show him that all link together, and form a very disturbing pattern. Things he has been led to believe that he needs to see how he was mislead. I'm not exaggerating at all when I said his mother is ill. She really is. Its time for some closeted skeletons to see the light of day. There is no vindictiveness in what I'm doing. I have no desire to crash his mothers image. But, I'm not going to cover for her anymore. And I won't keep secrets from my son anymore either Especially for her sake.
I'm not asking this gratuitously, but because I think it makes a difference. What kind if ill is she? Is she mentally ill, addicted to something? Because I agree with you that keeping secrets like that from a nearly grown son is not a good idea. He likely knows something is up and is quite confused.
But it's important that you come at it from that side - that he needs to know for his sake and possibly her sake, and because it's important for adult (which he nearly is) children to know the truth. Especially if you covering for her is preventing her from getting better, or getting help. Don't, whatever you do - insult, denigrate, rant about, or otherwise dis his mom. He might not hear what you're saying and really resent you for that. It's going to be very very difficult to separate the two. You need to be sure your motivation is pure. Defending yourself is tempting and probably justified but it won't help you in this. If you tell him the truth he'll be able to figure out what's really going on.
I want to say this with legitimate concern, and I mean it with respect because it is something I have noticed from your posts.
You tend to write in a VERY dramatic style. You communicate well, but your posts about your personal life with your GF, while thoughtful, are full of emotion and intrigue.
Of course, it may just be the way you express yourself here, online. But I sincerely advise you to keep that side restrained, for your son's sake if no one else.
This has the potential to be a make-or-break situation for you and your child. It all depends on how you choose to handle it. Facts are one thing, but a free-for-all cannot help him.
In a time when it was unheard of, my Father was awarded full custody of me at the age of 7. It was almost five years before I saw my Mother again and another year before I was allowed to spend school vacation with her, her new husband and my four-year-old half brother. (I was unaware of the existence of either one)
Years passed and although I had a sort of relationship with Mother, my Father NEVER, not once, said anything about her or the circumstances of their divorce. He left it up to me to determine for myself what kind of person she was. I eventually did.
I suggest you consider doing the same. But only if you value your relationship with your boy.
That was a motto my grandfather held, and passed it to my father. My father passed it to me, and my take on it is this...
Tell your son the truth about what has happened. BUT!!!... It needs to be THE truth. Not your version of events, not your ex's version of events, but the unbiased account of what actually happened. You may "think" you're telling the whole story, but keep in mind that your son has heard a different version, and if your son has a lick of sense, he's going to figure out the true story is probably somewhere in between what you say and what his mother says.
I don't believe in leaving things unresolved or unclear. If a situation arises and you need to clear the air and tell your version of events, I think you should, regardless of the subject. Relationships with family are important, and if you want to keep your son in your life, that means being honest and truthful. He may not want to hear what you have to say, but if you are candid about what your ex has done and can prove it, then I say go for it. Now, if its just your word against hers then... well, that's an uphill battle to fight.
When I was old enough to understand, my mother showed me the documents and letters associated with their divorce. Solid proof, not opinion or hearsay. He said she said goes only so far.
All you need to say is "I love you son, I want to be in your life, I am sorry I haven't made more of an effort, but I didn't know what to do. I also am not making an excuse, but I have been really sick and in the hospital for the past x months with y condition.
THEN make it a point to see him, call him, text him, go do stuff together, etc.
Why are you still paying alimony after all these years? Maybe you should petition the courts to change that. When my parents got a divorce she got only a few months (the were married over 20 years) and the judge told her get a job. What state are you in? Is she in a relationship with anyone else? Living with them? You might be able to get those thrown out the window then.
Don't bash his mother, it will say a lot about the man YOU are.
My son just graduated. His mother and I divorced three years ago, and it was and still is ugly. He has been distant from me for about six months now. I spent 7 weeks in the hospital starting in January, and have been unable to work since February of 2013. Consequently, my support payments fell behind, as they constituted over 50% of my income when I was working. A very hefty sum.
The ex and I met with the child support worker, and I explained the situation. I had no income and am quite physically disabled. An aggressive, degenerative bone disease, caused by prior severe trauma left me unable to be on my feet for long periods, and the secondary infection was causing horrid pain and drainage from the injured leg. This stopped them from pulling my DL, or arresting me, but when I was hospitalized and waiting for a determination from SSDI, the ex had them rescind the order, and they took my DL and threatened arrest.
.
Two things here stick out to me.
1. Child support is federally mandated and is no less than 22% and no more than 29% of your income.
2. Your ex doesn't have the kind of clout to keep the state from taking your drivers license or calling the state and have them take your drivers license and have you arrested. So saying your ex did this to you is false.
I understand this is a sticky situation, I went through it with my husband and his ex, and believe me we were paying her a very large salary through child support and alimony, but call a spade a spade.
What has happened between you and your ex wife is NONE of your son's business.
Having this 'talk' with him is unnecessary and makes you look like a whiney little *****.
When he's older he'll understand.
Right now, be his dad.
You'll only risk alienating him if you have this talk with him.
Read the OP and I still don't get what the OP is the bad guy for.
It sounds like the OP is suck and the money just isn't available. The son should understand.
The son "shouldn't" understand anything, if his father hasn't spoken to him and his mom keeps him away, what else would he know but what his mother tells him? His father is the adult here, he should have reached out more and done more, if he had a relationship with his son then his son would have known he's in the hospital, has paid child and spousal support, etc.
Tricky situation, OP. I'd say whatever you do, just keep it to facts and keep any drama out of it.
Let him talk first. Understand that he is probably way worn out if he's been dealing with his mother for a long time. By the time I was a teenager, I knew what the real story was with my parents. I knew that my father was, at his core, a pretty awful person, but that he had my back no matter what. I knew that my mother was silly, vain and childish, but that she loved me to the best of her abilities. And I also knew that her love was kind of toxic.
The distance may be because he bought all of his mother's spiel, but it also may just be the normal distance of a teenager who is growing up. Or it could be that he doesn't want to deal with the drama that spending time with you may create with his mother. Or maybe he resents you a bit for allowing his mother to have primary custody.
Let him talk first. Tell him you feel a distance between you and you worry that there may be a misunderstanding between you or something else going on. Tell him that it pains you and you miss him. Ask if you've done something to upset him.
See if that opens anything up. Don't sugarcoat his mom, but don't bash her either. He's old enough to handle facts - he doesn't need you telling him what your judgments are.
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