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I pray, fervently, that he can handle it. Today, I will know what kind of a man my son has become, from the boy I raised.
I would still recommend that you stick to the first person, as in "You may believe I am a drug abuser, I am not".
But, the quote above gives me pause. It sounds as though you are going to share some pretty heavy stuff.
Your son will need some time to process the information, and come to grips with the fact that his mother, who has been raising him, might not be as wonderful as he thought. Don't look for him to do either immediately, give him some space.
I would NOT discuss your ex wife, his mother, AT ALL....ill or not. Say what you have to say about not paying etc. but leave your former relationship out of it. Keep this nonsense away from your grown child... regardless of who is/was at fault. Clearly, as you say, he's suffered enough. Even if your son is adult, he does not need to hear all this continuing drama. Unburdening your mind & settling some score you have does nothing for him. Leave him out of it.
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Originally Posted by Mattie
Yes this. The word "I" should be used in any discussion. Steer clear of the word "she".
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Originally Posted by LLCNYC
Bingo.
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Originally Posted by kharing
Why did your son not know you were in the hospital for almost two months? I wouldn't try and get him involved. Explain your medical condition and maybe the fact that you are in financial stress. He's old enough to figure the rest out. Hate when parents involve the children in their issues. Just be a father to your son without making him choose sides in your squabbles.
Sir (op), I have to agree with the sentiments posted here concerning the conversation that you really do need to have with your son. He is certainly on the brink of becoming a man very soon and I would like to think that you will continue to influence and guide him on this difficult journey fraught with many obstacles and perils; please do not allow your wife's actions and behavior to alter your good example and judgment thus far.
As many have said you only really need to discuss your current state of affairs and the relationship and bearing it has placed on your temporarily becoming delinquent in your child support. Our children, whether they verbalize it or not, really do have an inkling of the circumstances of our personal lives and trials and tribulations. Your son apparently lives with his mother and therefore is somewhat obligated to be on 'her side' for the time being. This does not mean that you need to 'color outside of the lines' in order to clarify anything with him, he will see it on his own (if he doesn't already) and act accordingly.
I can only presume that he is on the precipice of attending college and if so he will have his own new life to adjust to and does not need to be bogged down in any parental drama...he will have his own version soon enough.
Better to take the HIGH, HIGH road in my opinion, than risk losing the love and respect you will garner if you do not resort to the 'unvarnished truth' with your son; your future relationship depends on your knowing 'when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em'.
For the foreseeable future my vote is for 'hold 'em'.
Best wishes and sincerely good luck with this young man of yours!
I would still recommend that you stick to the first person, as in "You may believe I am a drug abuser, I am not".
But, the quote above gives me pause. It sounds as though you are going to share some pretty heavy stuff.
Your son will need some time to process the information, and come to grips with the fact that his mother, who has been raising him, might not be as wonderful as he thought. Don't look for him to do either immediately, give him some space.
Yes, I have to share some heavy stuff. The ex has left me no choice. And up until recently, I was as involved with my son as I ever was, in germs of raising him. His personality reflects my side of the family more than hers. He has approached wanting to know about the things his mother has told him of late. I wasn't offering, he's asking. Straight up.
The ex brought this stuff up in a context of total negativity. Shock factor, and it puts me on the defensive, or so she thinks. The object here is to drive a wedge between my son and I, by making it look as if I were hiding bad things from him. No. Not bad so much, as just very very personal. These are things I would have told him about, eventually, anyway. I just wasn't planning on doing so under these conditions. She tried to use these same things to hurt my new relationship as well. Thing is, I had long since confided things in my current lady, as she is quite able to view things analytically, has been around the Horn a few times, and understands the things life throws at us. It was a pretty silly and desperate stunt to pull with my current, actually. My son is a different critter. I was SO hoping that this court decision would end the exes drama. Its been three years for Pete's sake! She has a live in and has for two years, my current and I are at a bit over. By a couple months. And she just can't seem to let go.
I think its a control thing, and, as I said, she is not well anyway. A mentally healthy person does not take pleasure in trying to destroy someone's life just because. Even an ex. (Sigh) I hate having to go there with my son, especially under duress. Something the ex didn't consider before blabbing her mouth is how some of the things that need to be visited are directly related to some pretty serious mistakes that she made. She just wanted to twist what I had to do to get her out of them into wrong on MY part, without remembering why things happened the way they did. Gawwwwd! Some things are better left buried. But, its to late now. She opened the box and my son looked inside. Now he wants to know what alls in there.
All because she's mad over money. My son didn't come yesterday. Wont be here till Wednesday now. That's fine. When I first started this thread I was angry. Angry enough to let both barrels rip and go straight to the unabridged version of things. Had some time to think. Have some time to think. My lady is helping me, get things straight in my head. A calming, soothing influence. What a woman. With all she has on her plate she can still do this.
Well, I didn't think I would be talking to my son about this stuff under these circumstances, but such is life. Best just do things right and vet it done.
I would NOT discuss your ex wife, his mother, AT ALL....ill or not. Say what you have to say about not paying etc. but leave your former relationship out of it. Keep this nonsense away from your grown child... regardless of who is/was at fault. Clearly, as you say, he's suffered enough. Even if your son is adult, he does not need to hear all this continuing drama. Unburdening your mind & settling some score you have does nothing for him. Leave him out of it.
Totally agree! There is no need to discuss anything but your own circumstances. If you trash his mother, he is going to wonder why you married and took advantage of someone so "sick" in the first place. I am wondering that myself. It doesn't make you look like a saint, that is for sure.
Trust your son to understand who is mother is without you having to tell him. If she is as "sick" as you say, he already knows.
I haven't had a chance to read through the entire thread, so hopefully I am not repeating too much~ I was in a similar situation. I got custody of our Son and was a single Dad. A child raising a child. It was a rocky road! It grew me up, but a lot of ugliness along the way, that I wish didn't happen. My only advice would be to be very careful about what you tell him. In my situation I got very angry because I worked hard at being a good father and it seemed like he didn't care, and preferred his Mom's company over me. Some things happened that don't bear mentioning here, and I felt I needed to write him a letter explaining all the things his Mom did to lead to the undesirable situation we all suffer today. The letter was brutal. Especially for a 17 year old to read. Even though it was 100% truthful, it was too much 'truth' and ugliness for a child. Kids are always going to have a special attachment to their Mom. Its just nature. My letter angered and confused him. It was a rough couple of months after that. Later, my Son became aware of Moms shortcomings on his own. I forever regret not letting nature take it's course and let him come to the conclusion he did without my help. It was not necessary to pile ugly upon ugly. The child is going to see this situation vastly different than you do, no matter how much urging he gets from either adult. I understand your situation, but would suggest showing restraint and 'class' for want of a better term. I think showing those qualities will go a lot farther in making an indelible life lesson than anything else. Its a hard job. There is no owners manual. Good luck
There's a lot I could respond to here.but maybe I can cover most of it off this post. As to him being stuck in the middle and used as a pawn, the ex has already done that. She went where she shouldn't have gone. The skeletons that I'm want to clear out remove him from that situation. As I said before, I have no desire to flame his mothers character. Actually, she has done that herself. She lost her bid to keep me financially beholden. What she was demanding was quite impossible. It sent her over the edge.
My son is quite aware of what my disability is and he was there when I was hospitalized. So, her telling him I'm faking the disability so I don't have to keep paying her isn't washing out well. But, that's where she started. (Sigh) From there it got even better. She told BIM I was a drug addict, and that she didn't tell him before because she didn't want to diminish me in his eyes. Oh my!! Her "proof" of that allegation was showing him my veterinary hypo kit that got left in my cabinet in my former office. It was part of the horse gear my Dad left me, a VERY nice kit, in a velvet lined , leather bound case. She knows full well what that kit is for, a d never mind that the smallest needle in the kit is a 12ga antibiotic needle. But I've never used that kit when I have the horses shots, so my son never saw it.
Then, she had her oldest, from her previous marriage, who has disowned me, call MY mother, to tell her about my "drug habit". Enter my Mom into the mix, understandably upset. Adding insult to injury, she also tells him my current is also a main liner since the two of them used to be friends back in the day, she knows this, see, and it was no doubt her that got me into needles. Oh....Gawwwwwd! My son really likes her, and its reciprocated. so that has him spun. The wbopper went Super Size from there, as she regaled him with my supposed infidelity with my current, which is when I "got into needles". Wtfe.
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Wow, it's as though you are a novelist writing in first person-omniscient, and getting very carried away. It is a very difficult POV to take for an author, (think Great Gatsby) and most fail. It is after all, impossible to know so much about conversations that you were not privy to, and actions you were not present for, and to portray them as 100% factually true. Plus the avenging victim imagery is over the top.
If this is how your mind works, I think you need to accept some responsibility for the poor relationships in your life.
Listen to what your son has to say, correct any inaccuracies without elaborating, and tell him you will always be there for him. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.
I would NOT discuss your ex wife, his mother, AT ALL....ill or not. Say what you have to say about not paying etc. but leave your former relationship out of it. Keep this nonsense away from your grown child... regardless of who is/was at fault. Clearly, as you say, he's suffered enough. Even if your son is adult, he does not need to hear all this continuing drama. Unburdening your mind & settling some score you have does nothing for him. Leave him out of it.
The kids just hate to hear one parent talk bad about the other parent. Doesn't matter how old the children are. Keep your ex out of the talk. Believe it or not, when your son is older, he will realize that you were the better person/parent. Children can easily come to intensely dislike the parent that badmouths the other.
If, when he is older -- or even during this visit, he should come to you and want to talk about this -- THAT is a different story. But I still would not badmouth his mother.
Not to mention that your son just graduated -- and that, in itself, is a pretty major stressor for him. He doesn't need another major stressor.
Do not put your son in the position to choose one parent over another. Just because you ex has given him her version of the truth doesn't make it okay for you to do the same. What will end up happening is that you'll both aliante this young man and since he is of age, is just s likely to walk away from y'll's drama and start his own life... away from all y'all's chaos.
If he asks a DIRECT question answer yes or no, do not elaborate. When he asks for details, tell him that it is between his mother and you, that his job as a son is to grow into a young man and that is where his focus should be.
Take your child out of the middle. His momma chooses to drag him in, that is her deal, let your son be in control of the relationship between him and his mother. You have a relationship with your son, keep your relationship with his mother out of it.
My son's father also did the SSDI thing after not paying child support for years. I did not interfere with my son's relationship with his father. What is between them is none of my business. I do know there was bad mouthing from his side. Son has told me, not as an accusatory way, but in a sympathetic way that he i saddened by his father's statements. I tell son that it is okay to love a person even if that person does things that you don't exactly agree with. That is what family does.
At the end of the day, your son came from both you and his mother. Do you really want him to have to pick sides between the two of you when he had nothing to do with the failure of the marriage? Do you want him to look forward to his own life or feel the regret of the choices you and his
mother have made?
. As for my DL, the suspension order had been rescinded because I COULDN'T pay the full amounts. The ex went down to the DA and told them that I had money enough to pay it, and was hiding it, so they reactivated the suspension. And her say so was all it took.
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You don't have the full story.
Firstly, a District Attorney (DA) has nothing to do with spousal support or child support and cannot do anything with your case. If you ex went down to the DAs office, they'd laugh her out of it. That is strictly a family court matter. Only family court can do anything about this.
Which leads me to; only a court order from a Family Court Judge can rescind a prior order and it is almost impossible for this to happen without you also being in court. Only in extreme cases will a judge make a decision without both parties present.
Since your son asked, tell him about yourself. Do not say anything negative about your spouse. It may put him in the defensive amd make him feel he has to choose. Say your peace, let him know you love him and miss him. Tell him you will be there for him. I wish you lick, it is a tough thing to do.
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But I've never used that kit when I have the horses shots, so my son never saw it. 
