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I'm not sure where to post this, but I thought I'd give it a try.
Three weeks ago I received my divorce decree with sole custody. My ex went to family court to set up a hearing for visitation. He wants a regular visitation schedule (even though he lives 400+ miles away) as well as vacation time with our son (now 2 years old). My ex has been mentally and physically abusive (though it has not been documented much), has spent little time alone with our son, has seen him only 6 times this year, doesn't really pursue a relationship with him etc.
I am wondering what I can expect from the hearing. It is the first one. And if anyone has any advice about how to proceed. Our divorce decree currently says that he has visitation as from time to time and when we both agree. Since the divorce decree is new, could I just ask them to uphold it without changing it? My own lawyer told me to go and see how it goes, and if I get overwhelmed to ask for a timeout and go back with him at another time.
A lot of that will depend on what state you are in. My divorce decree has two sets of custody schedules - one for when we live within 100 miles of each other and one for if he moves away. That's standard here. There are also guidelines here for children under 3.
Unless you have documentation of mental and physical abuse towards your child, you will likely have a difficult time getting supervised or limited visitation. Definitely document the few times that your ex has actually seen your son.
Who moved - you or him? That may also make a difference.
Our divorce decree currently says that he has visitation as from time to time and when we both agree. Since the divorce decree is new, could I just ask them to uphold it without changing it?
Family court will understand his wanting something more solid than "from time to tome and we you both agree." That's way too vague and won't be considered a real a visitation schedule. I you don't have any documented proof of abuse to the child, the court is going to award him visitation.
He really doesn't live too far away to have regular visitation. It maybe be one or two weekends a month and likely extended time in the summers. You'll probably have to be required to drive to meet him halfway to exchange the children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NinaMarie13
...and if I get overwhelmed to ask for a timeout and go back with him at another time.
Definitely document the few times that your ex has actually seen your son.
Being 400 miles away and the OP not helping with the delivery/pickup of the children to his house makes 6 times a year look like he made an effort.
He can easily say he hasn't had the opportunity to be alone with the child since he picking him up and taking him home is a 1600 mile round-trip weekend. Having to pay for a hotel when he's in the town where the live would be an extra expense. Maybe where he was staying when he was in town wasn't conducive to having the child there. He can also say he felt the child was too young to be away from his mother for extended periods of time, but that's not the case now that the child is 2 years old.
I'm just trying to point out that his seeing the child 6 times per year isn't going to be considered a negative in the eyes of the court. It's not like he disappeared for two years, and a divorce does make things difficult until official visitation is arranged in court.
(I would like to mention that my in my original post, I was not willing to express how bad the situation was. He has bitten me, grabbed me, thrown things at me, said every possible abusive word, threatened to kill me, threatened to throw coffee in my face, etc. He was never alone with our son but I think that if our son irritated him, he would be mean to him. He would also neglect his needs.)
Our son was born in NY. When our son was 1 we moved to Philadelphia. There was no real reason to move as neither of us had jobs, but my ex was insistent on moving away from my family. Just before my son turned 2 I left him. I had to return to my family as all of my savings had been spent and I had no support system in Philadelphia. He did not take any action when I left. That was a year ago. He continues to live in Philadelphia even though he has no family or friends there, or even a job. He lives in a room in someone's house. He is here on a green card and does not speak English well. Some of the times when he visited were to deal with his green card documents. A few times he came by bus and I paid/picked him up/took him back to the bus stop (which is an hour and half away). Also, most of the time he slept at my house (depending on his behavior...a couple of times he was belligerent. Once he came drunk and screamed/made threats/etc. The police were asked to intervene. Another time he bit my mother and there was a big scene and the police were asked to intervene. I think the other times he slept at my house.)
I am actually planning to move to NC to go to graduate school. The distance from him will remain about the same. I have offered to meet him half way once a month, and let him sleep over to see our son once a month (depending on if his behavior is not aggressive). Would that seem like an acceptable offer in family court?
I am worried because my ex has done things like say I should leave our son alone in the bath (when he was one), not buckle him into his car seat (he would say we could go and forget about the car seat), not clean him when he was apparently soiled, would generally create dangerous situations for our son and then say our son was "too smart" to hurt himself, when he was only 1-2 years old. I really believe that having him alone with our son is an accident waiting to happen, yet I guess I don't have "proof."
Last edited by NinaMarie13; 07-31-2014 at 06:26 PM..
Thats my best advice i can give you based on my own experience. Dont do it alone and dont get a crap lawyer.
I have a lawyer who seems decent. He told me that I could see what happens and if I don't like it then I could ask for a time out and bring him in. My lawyer charges $200/hour of course but having to go back to court later will also take up time/money. Currently my ex has agreed to:
1 time a month I will meet him for the day in a city between us
1 time a month he can come to us and stay for the weekend
holidays he can come to us
but I reserve the right to ask him to leave if his behavior is aggressive.
Is this a fair offer? Could a good lawyer get me something better? Or should I accept that I have to offer him at least this much?
(I would like to mention that my in my original post, I was not willing to express how bad the situation was. He has bitten me, grabbed me, thrown things at me, said every possible abusive word, threatened to kill me, threatened to throw coffee in my face, etc. He was never alone with our son but I think that if our son irritated him, he would be mean to him. He would also neglect his needs.)
I believe you, but unless you have proof that he's been abusive or neglectful to the child, all of that won't matter, especially since most of it is just your word against his.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NinaMarie13
Our son was born in NY. When our son was 1 we moved to Philadelphia. There was no real reason to move as neither of us had jobs, but my ex was insistent on moving away from my family. Just before my son turned 2 I left him. I had to return to my family as all of my savings had been spent and I had no support system in Philadelphia. He did not take any action when I left. That was a year ago. He continues to live in Philadelphia even though he has no family or friends there, or even a job. He lives in a room in someone's house.
Your leaving to move farther away will be to his advantage. He can counter your claims he hasn't made an effort to see the child by saying you made it difficult by moving so far away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NinaMarie13
A few times he came by bus and I paid/picked him up/took him back to the bus stop (which is an hour and half away). Also, most of the time he slept at my house (depending on his behavior...a couple of times he was belligerent. Once he came drunk and screamed/made threats/etc. The police were asked to intervene. Another time he bit my mother and there was a big scene and the police were asked to intervene. I think the other times he slept at my house.)
I am actually planning to move to NC to go to graduate school. The distance from him will remain about the same. I have offered to meet him half way once a month, and let him sleep over to see our son once a month (depending on if his behavior is not aggressive). Would that seem like an acceptable offer in family court?
If he was that dangerous and abusive, why on earth would you allow him to come into your home? You have every right to insist that his visitation doesn't include you being involved. If you ever think you want to use his past abusive behavior against him over visitation, it would be unwise to agree to have him stay at your house. The judge will highly doubt he's abusive if you are letting him be around you. I realize you are doing this because you want to supervise him with the child, but you're setting yourself up for the court to doubt your allegations that he's abusive. Remember, if there's no proof he's abusive to the child, he does have a right to unsupervised visitation if he's not a danger to the child and he has a place to have visitation----even if it's just picking him up and spending the day in the park with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NinaMarie13
I have a lawyer who seems decent. He told me that I could see what happens and if I don't like it then I could ask for a time out and bring him in. My lawyer charges $200/hour of course but having to go back to court later will also take up time/money. Currently my ex has agreed to:
1 time a month I will meet him for the day in a city between us
1 time a month he can come to us and stay for the weekend
holidays he can come to us
but I reserve the right to ask him to leave if his behavior is aggressive.
Is this a fair offer? Could a good lawyer get me something better? Or should I accept that I have to offer him at least this much?
I wouldn't agree to let him come stay at your house for weekends and holidays.
Based on what you shared, you need to fork out the money and take your lawyer to court with you the first time around. That's what I'd do. The best you have going for you is his not having a suitable home for visitation in the city he lives. If he has relatives where you live, their houses might be suitable though.
You say he is abusive and violent, but you are inviting him into your home overnight!? Are you effin' crazy? You need to get copies of police reports and notarized statements from people he has assaulted (if they can't appear in court). If there are no police reports, they should at least have call logs. Does he have an arrest record? You should be asking for limited supervised visitation. You are talking about the safety of you and your son, so spend some money and have it done right. A second year law student will tell you that your plan is a disaster.
My point in having him come to my house is to placate him so he will not want him alone. I guess I will try to get my lawyer to come. Sometimes his (my ex's) behavior is ok and sometimes he flips out.
Some lawyers have told me I could not get supervised visitation. That I would have to give him one night a week and every other weekend. I'd rather have him live elsewhere and come to my house one weekend a month than move closer and have our son that often, alone. If he thinks he can have that kind of visitation he may move closer to me. Or maybe he would not actually want our son alone that much. He claims he does but he doesn't really know what he wants.
I had my video recording when he bit my mother. The next day there was a conflict and the police were asked to intervene. My lawyer at the time told me (my mom, actually) not to press charges because it would slow down my divorce.
He does not have any family near me or in the country. He does not have a steady job. There is no way he could currently deal with our son alone and I have custody anyway.
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