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OP, I am so glad you thought this through and took advice instead of rejecting it. You and your family will be okay. You are young and you are still going to have time to do things with your wife. Your daughter is going to need help for at least a couple of years, but if you and wife can help her out by babysitting and supporting her so she can get through high school and hopefully college, she is going to be able to take care of the baby on her own and you will have your lives back. You still have an 8 year old son, so it will be 10 years before your parenting days are over - and I'll tell you a secret - it does end there, either, but you sort of have your life back then. So just figure that 10 years from now your daughter and her child will be on their own, your 8 year old will be graduated from high school and hopefully off to college, and you most likely will have an empty nest. Ten years seems like a long time, but it will be gone before you know it. In the meantime, make plans for the trips you are going to make and the things you are going to do when all your kids reach adulthood! The planning is half the fun!
OP, hang in there. You all have just been thrown a doozy. I'm so glad you've decided to make this work no matter what.
Everyone knows there is no I in team, but me is a big part of it. The me of it has to do all it can for the whole. It will take work.
Make sure your daughter knows the ground rules and don't sugar coat it. Her life as a teen is essentially done. Yes she can go to prom and things like that but it's not so easy to do all the other things teens do with a baby.
Don't beat yourself up. I went through the same thing. It's like grieving a loss. It is a loss of your hopes and dreams for your child. Allow yourself time to come to terms with it. Rush nothing
God bless you all and best of luck. Please keep us posted.
A sibling's perspective... My older sister got pregnant at 15. I was 13.
I'm not going to kid you - it wasn't a walk in the park. My parents were furious, sad, shocked, etc. I don't think there was a spectrum in the emotional rollercoaster they didn't experience. She did move out with the father, and boy - they were pretty conflicted about that too. He was 19 and they were really upset about the age difference.
Together they managed to scrape up enough for a dingy trailer. She started working nights at a nursing home. He worked days, but I never saw him care for the kid at nights. Instead they lived across the driveway from his mother and grandmother and those two women had the bulk of babysitting. I know she was exhausted, but she kept working furiously at school and never let her grades slip. Well, the nursing home ponied up for her to get her CNA, and that seemed to help her set a trajectory.
Almost every weekend I'd go see her, do her dishes, and help her with errands. I don't think she ever had enough hours in the day. After HS she came and lived with my parents and started an intensive LPN program (Licensed Practical Nurse). She got up at 5 am to do clinicals and studied til midnight. I was a senior in HS by then, and my parents were working too. I'd get up, get my niece up, get her breakfast, take her to daycare and then go to school. After school I had my own job, and then I'd pick up my niece and she was mine for the evening since everyone else in the family had stuff they had to do.
Well, my sister graduated at the top of her class, and got a great job at the local hospital. She works in the surgical ward now, and they have a nice house and eventually had another child (it's a whole different ballgame when you're financially ready). I'm super proud of every thing she's accomplished, and my niece is a gorgeous, intelligent girl that no one would trade for the world.
One of the things that still gets me though is that no one - not my sister, and not my parents - ever recognized how much of the fallout landed on me. And what I gave up. I get that my life was not impacted as greatly, and that I was just collateral damage, but that was my sister, and we were close as twins, and she left when I was 13. I was left in that house with angry parents who then came down on me. Like her life looked sooooooo great, or as if I had any of the qualities that would have me needing to please some guy more than needing to protect my own future. My sister was so wrapped up in her life that she no longer had time to be part of mine, and if I saw her - it was to make her life better, and my accomplishments went largely un-noticed. No one even noticed that I was like a second mom to my niece while I was in school myself. They were so focused on their own crap that the only way they would have noticed is if she had been a huge burden. Since I made that go away - we were both invisible. Yeah - it still smarts a little.
Now we're adults and sis still has absolutely zero idea what I do, and really isn't part of my life. Oh, I can go be part of hers, and she seems to really love it when I come and see her, but she shows little interest in mine and has been to visit me once in 13 years (her husband wanted to go fishing near where I live). She likely has time now, but it doesn't even occur to her that she should reach out, and I've stopped trying to tell her. She's focused so intensively on getting where she is and raising her kids, that I don't think she has context for anything else.
My parents eventually realized, somewhere in my mid-20's I think, that I wasn't going to have unprotected sex with everything that moved (and maybe some things that didn't), and we were able to have a much better relationship. Life is better when you're not being unjustly accused of being a ho all the time. Now, I think it's actually sinking in that I'm not going to have kids. It's taken them a long time to actually get to know who I am without seeing me through the lens of my sister's choices.
So there you have it - I'm really proud of my sister, and I dearly love my niece, but I'm still a little angry at both her and my parents. They were all so wrapped up in themselves and what was happening (and yes - babies are intense), that they lost track of their other kids. I know this is a lot to have piled on your shoulders, and it may feel like the end of the world, but please try to keep some normalcy.
Your stepdaughter is going to need you a lot - no ifs ands or buts, but the best thing you can do is help her land on her own two feet. And speaking as the kid with the pregnant sibling - please don't make your son's life miserable (or your marriage) because of someone else's choices.
A family counselor would likely be very helpful. I wish we had gone to one.
A sibling's perspective... My older sister got pregnant at 15. I was 13.
I'm not going to kid you - it wasn't a walk in the park. My parents were furious, sad, shocked, etc. I don't think there was a spectrum in the emotional rollercoaster they didn't experience. She did move out with the father, and boy - they were pretty conflicted about that too. He was 19 and they were really upset about the age difference.
Together they managed to scrape up enough for a dingy trailer. She started working nights at a nursing home. He worked days, but I never saw him care for the kid at nights. Instead they lived across the driveway from his mother and grandmother and those two women had the bulk of babysitting. I know she was exhausted, but she kept working furiously at school and never let her grades slip. Well, the nursing home ponied up for her to get her CNA, and that seemed to help her set a trajectory.
Almost every weekend I'd go see her, do her dishes, and help her with errands. I don't think she ever had enough hours in the day. After HS she came and lived with my parents and started an intensive LPN program (Licensed Practical Nurse). She got up at 5 am to do clinicals and studied til midnight. I was a senior in HS by then, and my parents were working too. I'd get up, get my niece up, get her breakfast, take her to daycare and then go to school. After school I had my own job, and then I'd pick up my niece and she was mine for the evening since everyone else in the family had stuff they had to do.
Well, my sister graduated at the top of her class, and got a great job at the local hospital. She works in the surgical ward now, and they have a nice house and eventually had another child (it's a whole different ballgame when you're financially ready). I'm super proud of every thing she's accomplished, and my niece is a gorgeous, intelligent girl that no one would trade for the world.
One of the things that still gets me though is that no one - not my sister, and not my parents - ever recognized how much of the fallout landed on me. And what I gave up. I get that my life was not impacted as greatly, and that I was just collateral damage, but that was my sister, and we were close as twins, and she left when I was 13. I was left in that house with angry parents who then came down on me. Like her life looked sooooooo great, or as if I had any of the qualities that would have me needing to please some guy more than needing to protect my own future. My sister was so wrapped up in her life that she no longer had time to be part of mine, and if I saw her - it was to make her life better, and my accomplishments went largely un-noticed. No one even noticed that I was like a second mom to my niece while I was in school myself. They were so focused on their own crap that the only way they would have noticed is if she had been a huge burden. Since I made that go away - we were both invisible. Yeah - it still smarts a little.
Now we're adults and sis still has absolutely zero idea what I do, and really isn't part of my life. Oh, I can go be part of hers, and she seems to really love it when I come and see her, but she shows little interest in mine and has been to visit me once in 13 years (her husband wanted to go fishing near where I live). She likely has time now, but it doesn't even occur to her that she should reach out, and I've stopped trying to tell her. She's focused so intensively on getting where she is and raising her kids, that I don't think she has context for anything else.
My parents eventually realized, somewhere in my mid-20's I think, that I wasn't going to have unprotected sex with everything that moved (and maybe some things that didn't), and we were able to have a much better relationship. Life is better when you're not being unjustly accused of being a ho all the time. Now, I think it's actually sinking in that I'm not going to have kids. It's taken them a long time to actually get to know who I am without seeing me through the lens of my sister's choices.
So there you have it - I'm really proud of my sister, and I dearly love my niece, but I'm still a little angry at both her and my parents. They were all so wrapped up in themselves and what was happening (and yes - babies are intense), that they lost track of their other kids. I know this is a lot to have piled on your shoulders, and it may feel like the end of the world, but please try to keep some normalcy.
Your stepdaughter is going to need you a lot - no ifs ands or buts, but the best thing you can do is help her land on her own two feet. And speaking as the kid with the pregnant sibling - please don't make your son's life miserable (or your marriage) because of someone else's choices.
A family counselor would likely be very helpful. I wish we had gone to one.
This is a VERY helpful post.
This kind of event affects the ENTIRE family.
OP, just take one day at a time, please. No more ultimatums or "you'll be on your own way before age 24, Missy!" kinds of decrees.
Just get through the next several months and care for each other. And never dare the universe to prove how much worse things can get.
Well you laid down the rules up front your wife knows that and your step daughter knows that. The wise decision for your step daughter would be to have an abortion she is too young and will more than likely ruin her life having and child this young. Tell her if she chooses to have the child then she will need to find somewhere else to live and have herself emancipated so that she can be free to live her own life and make her own bad decisions. If your wife doesn't agree with your decision then you may have to reevaluate your marriage. But you did marry a woman with her own teenage children and a woman who herself was a teen mom and the cycle of teen moms having kids that become teen moms is very well documented and you should have seen that coming.
Well you laid down the rules up front your wife knows that and your step daughter knows that. The wise decision for your step daughter would be to have an abortion she is too young and will more than likely ruin her life having and child this young. Tell her if she chooses to have the child then she will need to find somewhere else to live and have herself emancipated so that she can be free to live her own life and make her own bad decisions. If your wife doesn't agree with your decision then you may have to reevaluate your marriage. But you did marry a woman with her own teenage children and a woman who herself was a teen mom and the cycle of teen moms having kids that become teen moms is very well documented and you should have seen that coming.
Did you read this entire thread, or just the first post?? The OP's original reaction has changed almost entirely, and abortion is certainly not an option at all now. Please read at least the first few pages and the last couple of pages before posting, including the OP's post #98, as the situation has changed almost completely.
OP, I am glad that your initial reaction has changed, and that you're seeing things more clearly and compassionately. It's not going to be easy, but it will be much, much better now that your family is all on the same page.
Best wishes to you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.
A sibling's perspective... My older sister got pregnant at 15. I was 13.
I'm not going to kid you - it wasn't a walk in the park. My parents were furious, sad, shocked, etc. I don't think there was a spectrum in the emotional rollercoaster they didn't experience. She did move out with the father, and boy - they were pretty conflicted about that too. He was 19 and they were really upset about the age difference.
(several text snips) Almost every weekend I'd go see her, do her dishes, and help her with errands. I don't think she ever had enough hours in the day. After HS she came and lived with my parents and started an intensive LPN program (Licensed Practical Nurse). She got up at 5 am to do clinicals and studied til midnight. I was a senior in HS by then, and my parents were working too. I'd get up, get my niece up, get her breakfast, take her to daycare and then go to school. After school I had my own job, and then I'd pick up my niece and she was mine for the evening since everyone else in the family had stuff they had to do.
One of the things that still gets me though is that no one - not my sister, and not my parents - ever recognized how much of the fallout landed on me. And what I gave up. My sister was so wrapped up in her life that she no longer had time to be part of mine, and if I saw her - it was to make her life better, and my accomplishments went largely un-noticed. No one even noticed that I was like a second mom to my niecewhile I was in school myself. They were so focused on their own crap that the only way they would have noticed is if she had been a huge burden. Since I made that go away - we were both invisible. Yeah - it still smarts a little.
So there you have it - I'm really proud of my sister, and I dearly love my niece, but I'm still a little angry at both her and my parents. They were all so wrapped up in themselves and what was happening (and yes- babies are intense), that they lost track of their other kids. I know this is a lot to have piled on your shoulders, and it may feel like the end of the world, but please try to keep some normalcy.
Your stepdaughter is going to need you a lot - no ifs ands or buts, but the best thing you can do is help her land on her own two feet. And speaking as the kid with the pregnant sibling - please don't make your son's life miserable (or your marriage) because of someone else's choices.
A family counselor would likely be very helpful. I wish we had gone to one.
Thank you for adding comments from a sibling's point of view.
Your post reminded me of something somewhat similar that happened to a former co-worker of mine when she was a young teenager. Basically, her parents and her older sister expected (demanded) that she take over the majority of the child care for the sister's baby before and after school & on weekends.
Sadly, the baby's actual mom basically continued on with her carefree life as a teenager, sleeping late on weekends, partying, dates, & extra curricular activities while her younger sister was burdened with the bulk of the child rearing for her sister's child. Obviously, there were some odd family dynamics goingon but my co-workers told others that no one in her family seemed to notice, care or even appreciate the many hours of work that she (the sibling) was forced to do each week for her sister's child and how she had to give up many things that she wanted to do as a teenager. My co-worker ended up almost totally estranged from her family due to this situation.
Of course, the above posters situation and my co-worker's situation are different than your situation but these are good examples of things to avoid.
Please be mindful how a new baby in the house will effect the other children already living there. If may not make a big difference or it may make a tremendous difference (in time for the other children, finances, and other things).
Again, family counseling may be helpful in the future.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-07-2014 at 12:22 PM..
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