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How many of you have heard about the Marshmallow Test? If not, please read the article in the link!
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In the late 1960s, researchers submitted hundreds of four-year-olds to an ingenious little test of willpower: the kids were placed in a small room with a marshmallow or other tempting food and told they could either eat the treat now, or, if they could hold out for another 15 minutes until the researcher returned, they could have two.]
It occurred to me the other day, as I watch several parents helicoptering over their young children at a wedding I attended. The parents were all anxious to tend to their children's needs. A childrens meal of chicken nuggets and french fries were offered for them (do kids each anything else these days besides chicken nuggets?). And because the kids were sitting down at their seats at random times, the caterer would make plates for them one at a time. Consequently, some of the plates had different amounts of chicken nuggets and fries on them. And their parents, not their children, were getting upset to see that other children might be getting more nuggets than theirs. Honestly, the kids didn't care.
So all night, I saw these parents hovering over their children, tending to their every need and whim as quickly as they could. If the children seemed hungry, like a mother bird, the parent would find something to offer in food or dessert.
Doesn't this result in children (and becoming teens then young adults) expecting immediate gratification for all things? I get that the parents are trying to be their child's best friend and to avoid tantrums or bad moods... but I think that children need more of is being taught self control and that calm patience is rewarded.
As for myself, I had a Chinese tiger mom. We were taught to sit quietly and that the adults in the family came first. It was natural to us that our parents, particularly our hard working father could have his quiet time and that he would get served first at dinnertime. And if we were at someone else's house, we were expected to politely eat whatever was offered to us. My mother didn't expect the host to offer us a special childrens menu. I actually don't recall eating any chicken nuggets or fingers while growing up. Although, eating out at Kentucky Fried Chicken was an indulgence that my mother enjoyed when my father wasn't around. Anyway, from my upbringing, I exhibit a decent amount of self control in my lifestyle, I am able to work towards my goals in a patient and steady way. I don't feel the need to go to shopping malls and impulse buy as a past time.
I don't think a wedding is a fair indication of how parents usually act. Children + weddings aren't always a good combination.
It makes perfect sense to me that they were doing all they could to make certain their children weren't disruptive in any way.
I'm sure the bride and groom appreciated it. And honestly, who else should be catering to their needs at an affair like that?
I don't think a wedding is a fair indication of how parents usually act. Children + weddings aren't always a good combination.
It makes perfect sense to me that they were doing all they could to make certain their children weren't disruptive in any way.
I'm sure the bride and groom appreciated it. And honestly, who else should be catering to their needs at an affair like that?
I agree completely. If I had small children, I would be SURE to stay close by so they weren't becoming examples of of the OTHER common internet kid complaint, "unsupervised children running wild all around the wedding."
As for the marshmallow test, I think it is a GREAT study of human nature and how we are wired differently. My husband would have sat and looked at that marshmallow until someone came in and gave him written permission to eat it. I, on the other hand, would have thought of three different workarounds.
In my opinion, many of us are becoming used to instant gratification because of the way our world works today. A 30-second download is "too long" and causes panic. FedEx overnight is too slow. Why email it when you can text it to me? Patience and self-discipline are hard work.
Helicopter parenting contributes to some bad behaviors, but I'm not sure this is one of them.
(do kids each anything else these days besides chicken nuggets?).
I have to rant about the chicken nuggets. I never fed my children "children's food." It's utter garbage. It's not like they never had it elsewhere, but they weren't picky eaters who would only eat chicken nuggets or fake mac and cheese from a box like so many children I know. I made homemade mac and cheese and one of my children's friends looked at it like it was from Mars. He had never seen homemade mac and cheese in his life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
(Doesn't this result in children (and becoming teens then young adults) expecting immediate gratification for all things? I get that the parents are trying to be their child's best friend and to avoid tantrums or bad moods... but I think that children need more of is being taught self control and that calm patience is rewarded.
While I wouldn't go to the extreme of the "adults always come first" mindset, I think you're right about quickly catering to every whim doesn't help children learn patience and self control. I haven't seen what you describe. Weddings in my area don't have children's food. They just have real food and the children eat that. Parents aren't feeding their children first. If it's a buffet, the parents get their food while they're getting their children's food. If there is a server bringing plates to the table, everyone is served together.
I agree completely. If I had small children, I would be SURE to stay close by so they weren't becoming examples of of the OTHER common internet kid complaint, "running wild all around the wedding."
The OP is explaining how she was raised to not run around wild and misbehave without her parents needing to use food and work hard at keeping her quiet and well behaved. Even though I didn't have a tiger mom, just a normal Irish Catholic mom, my siblings and I were extremely well behaved at weddings, funerals, church, etc., without my parents having to jump hoops to keep us in our seats and well behaved too.
My own children were very good about their behavior in these settings too. I don't take full credit for that though. My husband initiated proper table manners at a much earlier age than I thought was possible for children to learn. And they did learn immediately without being forced. They just needed to be calmly told: "We stay in our seats until everyone is done eating." "We eat with our mouths closed." And that sort of thing. They learned how to sit still and behave very quickly at a young age. They weren't oppressed children who needed to expend energy. They were quite capable as my husband and I and our siblings were when we were young too.
Parents today are not teaching their children self control and manners. It's that simple.
Parents today are not teaching their children self control and manners. It's that simple.
ALL parents today??
My mom was just not any kind of literary stereotype mom, but she taught me manners that I and my husband passed down to our kids as well.
I still didn't leave them alone at a table at a wedding or large function while they were small. The OP's logic is flawed. Getting stuff for your kids at a wedding =/= "children expecting immediate gratification for ALL things."
The OP's logic is flawed. Getting stuff for your kids at a wedding =/= "children expecting immediate gratification for ALL things."
But if children were taught to use self control at home, then why wouldn't they be able to be as controlled and patient while being guests at a wedding? Where's the consistency? And after all, it was the bride's day. Either the child has self control or they do not.
And what is wrong with the children being at the bottom of household's pecking order? They are certainly not equal in rank to their parents. I read somewhere and I agree, parents shouldn't make the mistake of bargaining or trying to reason with young children. The love is there anyway. But I think that having respect for the parent and the other adults in the family should come first. For instance, if a family is trying to decide where to go for vacation, everyone's input is important, but ultimately it's the parents who get to decide where they go to. After all, it's the parents paying the bills. Not all decisions are best made by a democratic vote.
Anyway, if your child can't pass the marshmallow test, then you need to teach them how to. Impulse control is important. It helped me when I was young and first dating. lol. And it will help later on when they are young adults with credit cards.
And while they are young, as soon as they get their own cellphone, parents should be more stringent about cellphone use and teach then to put it away at certain times and not respond to it right away. And marshmallow test training will help with that.
The OP said nothing about believing parents need to be able to leave their children alone at a table. She felt they were overly focused on entertaining and catering to their children. You and Mattie stated you felt it was necessary to prevent small children from being disruptive at weddings. I disagree because children are capable of sitting still and behaving at weddings without people doing things to coax them to do so.
The very fact there are young children throughout the country sitting quietly in Catholic Mass an entire hour each week is proof it's possible and that easily transcends to behavior for longer events like weddings and funerals. I know because it has been my experience growing up and my experience with my own children at weddings and funerals.
Parents who believe their children are incapable of sitting quietly without preemptively appeasing their children are parents who didn't teach their children manners that require self control. It's a shame too because they're making it harder to parent than is necessary.
But if children were taught to use self control at home, then why wouldn't they be able to be as controlled and patient while being guests at a wedding? Where's the consistency? And after all, it was the bride's day. Either the child has self control or they do not.
And what is wrong with the children being at the bottom of household's pecking order? They are certainly not equal in rank to their parents. I read somewhere and I agree, parents shouldn't make the mistake of bargaining or trying to reason with young children. The love is there anyway. But I think that having respect for the parent and the other adults in the family should come first. For instance, if a family is trying to decide where to go for vacation, everyone's input is important, but ultimately it's the parents who get to decide where they go to. After all, it's the parents paying the bills. Not all decisions are best made by a democratic vote.
Anyway, if your child can't pass the marshmallow test, then you need to teach them how to. Impulse control is important. It helped me when I was young and first dating. lol. And it will help later on when they are young adults with credit cards.
And while they are young, as soon as they get their own cellphone, parents should be more stringent about cellphone use and teach then to put it away at certain times and not respond to it right away. And marshmallow test training will help with that.
How many problems do you want to cover in this thread? LOL
So all night, I saw these parents hovering over their children, tending to their every need and whim as quickly as they could. If the children seemed hungry, like a mother bird, the parent would find something to offer in food or dessert.
Doesn't this result in children (and becoming teens then young adults) expecting immediate gratification for all things? I get that the parents are trying to be their child's best friend and to avoid tantrums or bad moods... but I think that children need more of is being taught self control and that calm patience is rewarded.
I think they wanted to avoid being the subject of a post entitled "Annoying kids throwing tantrums at a wedding!"
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