Foreverasnow, you seem to have the right idea; rules, boundaries and consequences. Does your husband work with you or against you? Do you believe ODD is the actual reason for this?
I read up on ODD. It sounds more like narcissism but I'm not a doc. Still, there's a disorder for just about everything these days and it doesn't take a PhD to know that how you raise a child can make the difference between being a pain in the azz and being "disordered".
"There's no known clear cause of oppositional defiant disorder. Contributing causes may be a combination of inherited and environmental factors, including:
- A child's natural disposition
- Limitations or developmental delays in a child's ability to process thoughts and feelings
- Lack of supervision
- Inconsistent or harsh discipline
- Abuse or neglect
- An imbalance of certain brain chemicals, such as serotonin"
Developmental delays and chemical imbalances are troublesome enough. But some parents are just lazy (that doesn't seem to be the case with the OP). Even those with legitimate disabilities are enabled more than they should be.
My son is PDD (high-functioning autism) and ADHD. He had/has significant challenges maneuvering through life because of it. There is a selfishness about him that comes from an inability to see beyond himself, initially. It's not intentional or malevolent. Nor is it something he was taught. But he is capable of doing so when he is made aware of it. And he is remorseful when he has offended. The key is to make them aware of it. They can often understand more than we give them credit for.
Still, I made it clear to him that he has to work harder than most to succeed in life. And I told him, when he was old enough to understand, that his free ride was over when he graduated high school. He was not going to ever become a burden on anyone on my watch. He had to contribute to any home he lived in, no matter who he lived with, including me. I would have had him work through high school except he was already struggling enough with his classes and I didn't want to pull focus.
In addition, chronological age doesn't matter. He is in his mid 20's but he is still very much a child mentally and emotionally. He is self sufficient, but he needs a lot of guidance on his finances. I give him a budget and if he overspends, I take his debit card from him. And if he screws up in any other way, I give him a talking to.
So, Foreverashow, I am behind your approach. Your son may be 18, but it is clear he lacks the maturity to be productive. When you act like a child, you get treated like one. Whether it is nature or nurture, it is a problem. I wouldn't worry about the law. Yeah, it was a gift, but really, is there any proof of this? I'd tell the cops that the deal was that he could keep the laptop once he moved out. But while he lives under your roof, you own it. If he wants it back, he can pack up and go.
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