Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
How did you or other people you know decide whether to have children or not? I understand some people who desire it their whole lives--or really can't wait to be a family with children--but are there any of you "on the fence" people out there that decided to do it--and why?
I am 31 and my husband is 39--we have been married 8 years--we were both on the 'no' side of the fence but have started thinking a little bit about it--at least the possibility of it. I still don't feel any desire in my heart for it--but I realize that I need to be sure my 98% no children is 100% in the next few years--if that makes sense.
I didn't want to until I was 39, when I realized I was going to lose my chance forever. I'm glad I changed my mind. Sort of wish I'd done it sooner.
I was 12 years old when I decided I would never have children, and have been blessed by being naturally sterile!
I have a friend that wanted kids when she was 12, started having them at age 15 and now has 6, I am the oldest of 5.
Think about what you are really asking. People ALWAYS ask, "should I" or "I want to have KIDS" NO ONE ever thinks, do I want to raise a HUMAN BEING!! Everyone gets all hyped up about those young years and then somehow ends up SOO surprised when their child hits puberty and doesn't listen to everything you say. Think about it this way..
Do you want to live with a teenager? Do you want to raise and provide for a teenager? Are you ready for that teenager to NOT move out at 18, but perhaps prefer to stay with you so they can go to school full time??
Do NOT make the mistake of procreating because of the idea of "children." The child phase is very short, and this person will be in your life forever regardless of what problems they may have, mentally, physically, emotionally etc.
One more thing, it is my honest opinion that choosing to have your "own" children vs adoption is something I see as overwhelmingly narcissistic. There are too many children that are taken into foster care so abusive psychos can get a check every month for housing these poor little souls. If you really want to help a human being, adopt.
I had a similar experience. I have three major medical conditions and my doctor told me having biological children would be very difficult, if not impossible because I could not stop taking my medicine during a pregnancy. That was fine by me; I never wanted children anyway. I do wish more people would consider adoption when they decide to be a parent. There are many abused children who desperately need loving parents, children whose parents didn't THINK before they decided to become parents themselves. Parenting is a lifelong role, the most important role you can ever take on.
OP here--I think my husband and I would be good parents--we both come from stable loving two parent homes, are financially stable, both have good jobs and good insurance and are college educated and own our own home however I guess I just always felt it was something you desired strongly in your heart. Right now I am more of the "well it would probably be ok" camp and I feel like it should be the passion of your life (or perhaps that is just what I have seen on TV)
I do have two friends that adopted a baby by choice and they said some of the saddest things they experienced in the process was going to the training and what not and seeing that all of the other couples it was their 'last resort' and they were sad at the prospect of not having their own biological children. I do see them as roll models though and would consider adoption as well (as I must admit being pregnant is a huge turn off to me)--and I do see the altruistic value in it.
It's hard to use someone else as a model on it as many of our closest friends have moved away and also everyone's situation is different. One of my best friends was on the fence and decided to have a child a few years ago--she loves it but she also has TONS of family to help her (mom, mother in law, grandma, aunt to all babysit when she needs it) and she stays at home and works on her passions for a career while her husband brings home good money--that is different than the situation I would be in as I have no family and would most likely continue working so while I can see her situation is ideal I know that is not my situation. I would have no one to depend on for any help--which is scary in itself.
The only lingering thought in my head is I don't want to regret my decision to not have a child later.
My husband and I are planning a eastern european trip next fall and I said we will then sit down after that and try to work this out--he is in the same place I am--thinks we would do a good job and doesn't want to regret not doing it--but no strong desire in his heart for it (which is good that we are in agreement on that)
girlbuffalo1 before you decide one way or another go borrow someone's kids for a couple of nights. We have three crazy girls spend the night with us every month and I just had them for three nights. It was fun but it reconfirms my decision that I was never meant to reproduce.
girlbuffalo1 before you decide one way or another go borrow someone's kids for a couple of nights. We have three crazy girls spend the night with us every month and I just had them for three nights. It was fun but it reconfirms my decision that I was never meant to reproduce.
No, it is not even remotely the same as having your own. I LOVE my two Sons to death, but other peoples kids annoy me some times.
I guess some people do plan and make a definitive decision to have kids, but for lots of us it just is a natural progression of being married. When I was first married kids were the furthest thing from my mind. I was making good money and my Wife was too, so we were living the high life. Then one day she gave me the news that she was pregnant.
I was a horrible Husband during her pregnancy, all I could see was my freedom and lifestyle going down the drain. When I look back on it now I realize I was very selfish and just a terrible person about it. I am very ashamed of how unsupportive I was for her during that pregnancy. But the second my two Sons were born (twins) my life did change, and absolutely for the better.
My life would have been very meaningless and nowhere as enjoyable if my Sons were not in my life for the past 43 years. Having them around gave me purpose and enriched my life beyond anything I could ever imagine or describe. When I would get home from a tough day at work they would run down the stairs to meet me and immediately brightened up my day. It was a fantastic journey to see them go from two little kids to two very nice, productive men, who are still my best friends today.
Fate, or whatever you want to call it, guided me into having them, and I am ever so grateful that it worked out as it did. My life would be very empty without them in it. I look back, and even the times when money was tight and going out for a pizza was a big deal, those were still some of the best times of my entire life. I will have those memories til I die.
So, maybe kids are not for everyone, but I can tell you from experience that having them is something you can not fully understand until you have your own.
You're not really making ANY mistake not having kids.
You're making a HUGE mistake giving up your lives FOREVER having them. And having an only child is not really the best thing for the kid. Especially if you don't have a BIG family with alot of cousins etc.
I think 31 is young to "decide". You don't really fully separate from your own parents until INTO your 30's if you do at all, and you SHOULD. (meaning being emotionally independent, not resentful or easily influenced, or grudge-y, or complaining, or drama etc etc. But it sounds like you have the parent think under control and have good role models how to stay together.
PLUS if you have parents you'll have to take care of THEM TOO later and that is no joke with dementia so rampant. Emotionally AND financially.
girlbuffalo1 before you decide one way or another go borrow someone's kids for a couple of nights. We have three crazy girls spend the night with us every month and I just had them for three nights. It was fun but it reconfirms my decision that I was never meant to reproduce.
Oh, please don't do this, OP! AND this is above recommendation is from a non-parent which confirms it's not a way to appropriately assess the situation and what's it's really like being a parent.
It is NEVER, NEVER, EVER the same as when it's your own kids. I nannyied for a very long time -- babies, toddlers, early school-aged, etc. and actually loved them all but it was never the same as your own kids even though I sincerely thought it would be similar (prior to having my own). It wasn't even close.
I didn't want children, but then someone came into my life and I work to the bone for this little person. Before I could careless about life, if I was homeless, or even alive. Funny thing is I am never home.
Yea, unfortunately it happens but you make the best out of it. I would recommend you find a mate, you don't have to marry someone it could be a roommate. One of my kid's tutor is a single mom and shares a house with another single mom and they were 2 families but now they are almost like a single family in a way. They have different work schedules so both share duties taking kids to/from school and become nannys if they want to go out on a date that sort of thing.
runswithscissors---my father died when I was 21 and my mother has been in a nursing home with me as her POA for since I was 24--so I am very familiar with elder care.
Also I was an only child as was my mother and I see no difficulties in that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
