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Old 08-19-2014, 10:52 AM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
922 posts, read 1,106,559 times
Reputation: 3805

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Being a SAHM is not a waste of someone's life or education.

This ^^^^ 1000%!! I am SO SICK of people assuming that when a mother decides to stay home to take care of her baby that she is "wasting" her education, etc. I have a college degree and guess what I do? I stay at home to take care of my children and I am just as smart and educated as I was 5 years ago when I started my JOB as a SAHM. My degree isn't going anywhere but the time spent with my child is. Taking care of a child is WORK, let me tell you. It doesn't make any sense for people to think that a SAHM doesn't have a "real" job; what about mothers who were doctors before they became mothers? Their job as a doctor is to take care of people, right? So, if they decide to stay home and take care of the human they created, are they "not" doing their job?

OP, let me assure you that the hormones of a new mother DO NOT automatically go away at the 4-5 month mark. Some women take a lot longer to "even out" and get back to normal levels, not to mention that she's probably feeling some guilt over leaving her baby in the care of another. Regardless of whether or not she wanted to go back to work, those feelings of guilt and anger are common.

Help her find a great therapist and work together on figuring out your new life because your old one is in the past. You both are going about it wrong- you're trying to get the new baby to adjust to YOUR life when it should be the other way around- you guys adjusting to the BABY'S life and schedule. GL!
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:15 PM
 
218 posts, read 287,117 times
Reputation: 485
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25 View Post
its really not fair of you all who tell me i'm the micro manager, i'm sure as a guy, i am the minority in this forum so i could be looked as the enemy

You seem a little bit hostile.

Why would we judge you to be the enemy solely because you are a man? IMO, you are a man seeking help for his wife, marriage, etc. I would think that would hold you in some esteem with most of the people on this board.

Viewing your wife on camera during the day and critiquing her parenting is a form of micro-management. No? Can you not see it as such?

If my husband watched me during the day through a camera, he'd get kicked to the curb POST HASTE.
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Old 08-19-2014, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,488,465 times
Reputation: 35920
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Not assuming anything. Day care would not cost $100K of her lost salary; her take home is less than this, considerably less. Add the time away from home, the stress of work and family, and her overall unhappiness - these things affect a household and end up costing a family more $$ if not handled properly. It's not just about her salary, her salary isn't the issue here, OP said so himself.

Also, the OP's wife isn't you. She won't be pissed at her husband saying what I wrote, or some version of it. You would be pissed because you likely didn't want to or couldn't stay at home with your kids. This is not the same issue the OP is dealing with. He should not "suggest" anything. It's his family that will suffer if he's not honest about how he truly feels about his wife becoming a stay-at-home mom. She wants to stay at home.

OP: Did you and your wife discuss this as an option before you were married or before she got pregnant?

She's not going to lose the value of her PhD by staying at home a few years. If she only had a bachelor's degree, then I'd be worried. She's already considered an expert in her field via her doctorate! Also many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed - with or without children.

Vaccine Scientist to Stay-at-Home-Mom: Going from PhD to Stay-at-Home-Mom
So the day care would cost ~$75K instead of $100K!

I'm guessing that what DW has is a PharmD (Doctorate of Pharmacy). It's the entry level degree to practice pharmacy these days. That many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed is irrelevant. She has a job! A job in a hospital pharmacy requires an additional internship. It's quite a plum of a job and I can see that the Mom might not want to give it up. It could be hard to find another one like that.
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Old 08-19-2014, 06:32 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,102,689 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
So the day care would cost ~$75K instead of $100K!

I'm guessing that what DW has is a PharmD (Doctorate of Pharmacy). It's the entry level degree to practice pharmacy these days. That many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed is irrelevant. She has a job! A job in a hospital pharmacy requires an additional internship. It's quite a plum of a job and I can see that the Mom might not want to give it up. It could be hard to find another one like that.
Yes.

I think some moms have this immediate instinctive desire to stay home with their baby 24/7. That's wonderful! I don't think everyone has that. For some, the decision to stay home was easy - a no brainer. It isn't like that for everyone, and people need to recognize that.

I think the cameras need to go. They are hurting more than helping.
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Old 08-22-2014, 12:17 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,393,856 times
Reputation: 2369
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
Being a SAHM is not a waste of someone's life or education.

This ^^^^ 1000%!! I am SO SICK of people assuming that when a mother decides to stay home to take care of her baby that she is "wasting" her education, etc. I have a college degree and guess what I do? I stay at home to take care of my children and I am just as smart and educated as I was 5 years ago when I started my JOB as a SAHM. My degree isn't going anywhere but the time spent with my child is. Taking care of a child is WORK, let me tell you. It doesn't make any sense for people to think that a SAHM doesn't have a "real" job; what about mothers who were doctors before they became mothers? Their job as a doctor is to take care of people, right? So, if they decide to stay home and take care of the human they created, are they "not" doing their job?

OP, let me assure you that the hormones of a new mother DO NOT automatically go away at the 4-5 month mark. Some women take a lot longer to "even out" and get back to normal levels, not to mention that she's probably feeling some guilt over leaving her baby in the care of another. Regardless of whether or not she wanted to go back to work, those feelings of guilt and anger are common.

Help her find a great therapist and work together on figuring out your new life because your old one is in the past. You both are going about it wrong- you're trying to get the new baby to adjust to YOUR life when it should be the other way around- you guys adjusting to the BABY'S life and schedule. GL!
100% Agree.
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Old 08-22-2014, 12:21 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 3,393,856 times
Reputation: 2369
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
So the day care would cost ~$75K instead of $100K!

I'm guessing that what DW has is a PharmD (Doctorate of Pharmacy). It's the entry level degree to practice pharmacy these days. That many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed is irrelevant. She has a job! A job in a hospital pharmacy requires an additional internship. It's quite a plum of a job and I can see that the Mom might not want to give it up. It could be hard to find another one like that.
You know what? I'm not sure I can explain it to you or the OP any clearer. It's not an equal trade-off, therefore her salary can't be used for the cost of daycare!! That logic is way off.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-23-2014 at 08:28 AM..
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:23 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,102,689 times
Reputation: 32726
I would really like the OP to know that it is ok if his wife wants to work, and it is ok if she wants to stay home. It is not your place to tell her what to do, but it is your place to support whatever choice she feels is right. Have a serious talk with her about what she's feeling, have her talk to her doctor about it, and go from there. Get rid of the cameras. When you are each at work, you should be focusing on work and letting the other focus on the baby.

I had PPD and going back to work was actually good for me. Each situation is different and each mom is unique. No one in this forum can tell you what you or your wife should do.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-23-2014 at 08:19 AM.. Reason: Discussing Moderator Actions
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,488,465 times
Reputation: 35920
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
You know what? I'm not sure I can explain it to you or the OP any clearer. It's not an equal trade-off, therefore her salary can't be used for the cost of daycare!! That logic is way off.
Well, the loss of income has to be factored in somehow. If you don't want to call it day care, call it something else.

Budget for Baby - Saving for Baby - Pregnancy - First Trimester
OTHER (OPTIONAL) EXPENSES: $24,200

**Maternity leave: $8,400
Depending on your salary and work policy, you’ll end up with lost wages after taking 12 weeks maternity leave. The typical policy will pay between 60% and 70% of your gross income for the first six weeks. With an average 50K salary and a policy that doles out 60% of wages for the first six weeks and no wages for the second 6 weeks, you’ll end up with $8,400 in lost wages after 12 weeks. Below is a quick breakdown of lost wages on a 50K salary. This number increases as your salary increases. (And, this is, of course, presuming you are in the nearly 60 percent of American workers who are eligible for the Family and Medical Leave Act these days.)
First six weeks: $2,400
Second six weeks: $6,000
Total: $8,400
**

As I said earlier, hospital pharmacy jobs are considered quite the plum, you have to do an internship after pharmacy school to get one in most places. If the DW quits that job, it may be hard to find another one in a hospital. That is another consideration.
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