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I am newly divorced with a belligerent teenager. She has sided with her father in the divorce (with his input/manipulation no doubt) and our relationship is strained. I have court ordered parenting time and court ordered talk therapy with psychologist to mend the relationship....
My daughter is 14 and is once again refusing parenting time. Do I have any remedy? We are scheduled for Wednesday. I know I can now finally alert the local police to be present. I am thinking that if I do, she will be scared enough to cooperate.
It is important that she goes this week because I have her first consultation with the therapist scheduled.
I'm at wits end here... ready to thrown in the towel.
And for the record... I can see how divorced dads (non custodial) "abandon" their children... if the other parent is in that kids ear 24/7 about what a bad person the dad is and the child acts hostile toward their dads.... it can be hurtful. At some point, you have to shield yourself.
I think she's wanting validation that it's okay to have the police force her daughter force the court ordered visitation. Most non-custodial parents I know let their children take the lead at this age if the custodial parent didn't force the child to go. If I felt as strongly about this as the OP, I'd go back to court in hopes he would be found in contempt of not honoring the court order. It really is his responsibility to ensue his daughter attends visitation when scheduled. Calling the police is probably the first step so there's proof to provide to the court.
You might be able to get the court to force visitation. But at fourteen, she's got a lot of say in the matter. Maybe it's time to back off, and send her a letter telling her what a wonderful person she is, that you're sorry about the current conflict, that you love her, you'll always be her mother, you'll always be there for her, and that she should call you when she wants to see you, which you hope will be soon. And when she does call you, don't say anything critical, don't give advice, just treat her like a friend and enjoy being with her. She's far more likely to come around that way, than if she is brought in by force to a counseling session with you.
I don't know if I could simply back off of my child at 14. That's a tough age. It may be ok to stay a little distant for a short period of time.
Did the court not order him to join in the counseling as well? I can't see you and your child going to counseling only to have her return home and have whatever progress is made negated by the same old once home.
I am inclined to back off only to protect my own feelings. I am so tired of these games at my emotional expense. But people keep telling me she is my daughter, I owe it to her to fight for her even if she is too young and immature to understand it is for her own good.
The court did not order him into counseling.... only the daughter. And I had to fight TOOTH AND NAIL for that because he was dead set against her talking with a counselor.
I am inclined to give this some more time to simmer. I really believe that now the divorce is over, that he will stop indulging her wishes as a way to get back at me.... that he will grow tired of being responsible and will start digging at me for being the absentee parent... maybe then my attempts to re-establish relationship with daughter will be more successful...
I just worry that at this age without some sanity and positive influence that I will have more serious problems on my hands with her in the near future.... 14 is a pivotal phase in a person's life.
From mine...my dad left my mom when I was a teenager. My sister and I were very very mad - and it had nothing to do with mom (she wasn't speaking badly about him) and didn't want to see him.
IF you were the one who left the marriage (and/or the family home), this may have nothing to do with the ex, and may be something she needs to work through. If that is your situation and you force it, you may lose her for good.
You might be able to get the court to force visitation. But at fourteen, she's got a lot of say in the matter. Maybe it's time to back off, and send her a letter telling her what a wonderful person she is, that you're sorry about the current conflict, that you love her, you'll always be her mother, you'll always be there for her, and that she should call you when she wants to see you, which you hope will be soon. And when she does call you, don't say anything critical, don't give advice, just treat her like a friend and enjoy being with her. She's far more likely to come around that way, than if she is brought in by force to a counseling session with you.
Again, we don't know all the details but parentologist has a great suggestion.
OTOH, if you "put the ball totally in her court" (ie. wait for her to contact you) it may cause problems that your ex claims that you aren't following through on allowing visitation. Also, it is possible that your ex may block (steal) your letter and your teen would never know that you sent it.
Again, we don't know all the details but parentologist has a great suggestion.
OTOH, if you "put the ball totally in her court" (ie. wait for her to contact you) it may cause problems that your ex claims that you aren't following through on allowing visitation. Also, it is possible that your ex may block (steal) your letter and your teen would never know that you sent it.
Letters are terrible for important communication because there is no permanent record of their existence or record of their receipt. I assume by "letter" Parentologist means an email. Outside of a museum, I doubt any 14 year old has ever even seen a written letter anyways.
Go to the Father and talk to him. If he doesn't make the effort to allow you visitations then he will be in contempt of court.
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