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I was sent to my room without dinner. And had my mouth washed out with Ivory soap for saying bad words. And grounded. Actually, I think my Dad grounded me so often that technically I am still on restriction until I turn 77.
Well softie Daddy came back down and told me about their conversation. She had all sorts of excuses, none of which made any sense since this has been ongoing for about a year. "new school year, new locker, l new teacher, doesn't like her shoes, bla bla bla." He asked if I was making enough for everybody which of course I still was. Then he said she knows she needs to apologize and she understand why I was so angry. Then he said "can she come down?" I asked if she even wants to and apparently she did cause she did come down, muttered some sort of half assed apology "sorry". I told her I wasn't going to let her be disrespectful to me anymore and I had every intention of not seeing her again till morning. Then I removed myself and had my supper in front of the evening news.
The thing is...I remember being forced to sit and eat with the family when I was so upset. My father was a tyrant. I would have given anything if I was allowed to leave the table or even forfeit supper but I had to sit there and eat every bite while crying and choking. It was miserable. No wonder I have abdominal problems my whole life.
I'm sure your daughter is thankful that she has one parent who will ask her why she is acting like a brat, ask what's wrong, and listen to her. Don't insult your husband for his parenting skills.
No never held food back or washed out my kids mouths with soap... both are awful.... keeping kids away from friends or now computers is a better way to solve problems ..
I have sent my son to his room but only let him down for dinner and then sent him right back up. He hates that because he see his sister playing on the computer or watching cartoons and he realizes what he's missing. I feel that's punishment enough.
*raises hand* I had my mouth washed out with soap as a kid for cursing in front of my mother. It was right around the time the pump dispensers came out, so she squirted a giant glob of it in my mouth. It was AWFUL.
Never cursed in front of her again, though.
I have told my kids that story (they love and hate it all at the same time) and have told them to expect the same if they ever curse within my earshot or if word gets back to me that they cursed in front of someone else. My mother has corroborated my own story (they asked her about it one time) and so they know that absolutely I would do it in a heartbeat if the opportunity arises.
NK, we've never sent our daughter to her room without dinner. I've asked her to go to her room and stay there until she can speak respectfully, but IMO, the all night without dinner thing just escalates the situation.
I completely understand what you're going through. My daughter has always had attitude and it got worse with the pre-teen and teenage years. It's getting better now that she's close to 16. You may just have to accept that your 12-year-old is different from your other children and you're going to have to do things differently with her. While you should always be treated respectfully, your daughter may handle emotions differently than you're used to and because she knows you love her no matter what, she takes out exhaustion and frustration on you. Learning to control one's emotions is just like learning other skills. It takes time and practice and you have to expect failure on occasion.
Also, I know you have several adopted children, and your others may have handled the idea of being adopted differently from the 12-year-old. At her age she's starting to think about who she is and how she fits in and she may have lots of questions and emotions related to the adoption. I have a friend who adopted a daughter from China. For the past several years a group of adoptees has gotten together for a summer camp. When my friend dropped her daughter off, also about 12 at that time, the daughter asked her mother if she was coming back to get her. After all these years in a loving household, the idea of being abandoned by her parents in China was bubbling up. All I'm saying is that people act the way they act for a reason. You have every right to insist on being respected, but your daughter may have issues going on that you're not aware of. I would be careful with using rejection as a punishment with her. After everyone has calmed down, communication, as always, is the key to figuring out what's going on.
I've read both of these books and found them helpful: How To Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen.
LOL The "monitoring" was very briefly just to see what on earth was taking so long and since we got a waterproof clock- not the timer as originally discussed) it hasn't been a problem. Just seeing how much time she has been in the shower and what she still has to do to get ready has helped.
But no- this is not that child. it's the other one who does exceptionally well in school and is very shy. I have a theory about this.
She is very shy and feels inhibited at school. All summer she has been at home freely expressing herself (sometimes with rolled eyes and mouth). Now that she is in school again she is saving her expression and frustration for home. That seems to be what is happening. She loves school but I imagine a kid who is quiet all day at school would feel ready to burst once home. They are riding their bikes to school and I'm hoping that exercise will help her unwind before she gets home. If they don't have much homework I want them outside or on the piano or helping in the kitchen which they seem to enjoy. I make it fun. No TV or games until all homework and reading is done.
I've been thinking about ways to help her express herself without attitude and disrespectful tone. She had a few good ideas we will try and of course the lines of communication are open. We'll be just fine. She is a super girl and a real blessing.
NK, we've never sent our daughter to her room without dinner. I've asked her to go to her room and stay there until she can speak respectfully, but IMO, the all night without dinner thing just escalates the situation.
I completely understand what you're going through. My daughter has always had attitude and it got worse with the pre-teen and teenage years. It's getting better now that she's close to 16. You may just have to accept that your 12-year-old is different from your other children and you're going to have to do things differently with her. While you should always be treated respectfully, your daughter may handle emotions differently than you're used to and because she knows you love her no matter what, she takes out exhaustion and frustration on you. Learning to control one's emotions is just like learning other skills. It takes time and practice and you have to expect failure on occasion.
Also, I know you have several adopted children, and your others may have handled the idea of being adopted differently from the 12-year-old. At her age she's starting to think about who she is and how she fits in and she may have lots of questions and emotions related to the adoption. I have a friend who adopted a daughter from China. For the past several years a group of adoptees has gotten together for a summer camp. When my friend dropped her daughter off, also about 12 at that time, the daughter asked her mother if she was coming back to get her. After all these years in a loving household, the idea of being abandoned by her parents in China was bubbling up. All I'm saying is that people act the way they act for a reason. You have every right to insist on being respected, but your daughter may have issues going on that you're not aware of. I would be careful with using rejection as a punishment with her. After everyone has calmed down, communication, as always, is the key to figuring out what's going on.
I've read both of these books and found them helpful: How To Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen.
Yes Marlow both are adopted from Vietnam as infants and our Korean born daughter was adopted at 3 months as well.
Our oldest daughter and I talked about adoption a lot. She had no angst but she was curious. I think all three are very comfortable with having been adopted as babies but the 12 year olds seem to have no interest in discussing anything with me. I sometimes tell them if they have any questions about anything to come to either their father or me. I have shown them pictures and movies I took on my 4 trips to Vietnam but honestly they have no interest in the country or adoption.
Once when our oldest daughter was here I asked her to open a discussion with them (either separately or together) thinking they were afraid to hurt my feelings. She came back with "Mama, they really don't care about any of that. They don't care about Vietnam, have no questions about adoption in general or theirs in particular. I think you are borrowing trouble if you bring it up again. They know they can talk to you and/or me and that is about all you can do."
I talked to a child shrink neighbor about it at the pool last year and he told me "some kids are just very accepting and comfortable and don't care about all the details. There may come a time when they want more info (there really isn't any more info to share) but in the mean time let them come to you at their own pace."
I'm also thinking hormones are in play here. They both are wearing bras for the first time and I sent them period supplies for their lockers. And they are dealing with changing clothes for gym which neither one likes.
But there are plenty of people, young and old, adopted and not, hormones or not who have attitude and tone problems. It certainly is not unique to teens or pre teens.
I'm sure your daughter is thankful that she has one parent who will ask her why she is acting like a brat, ask what's wrong, and listen to her. Don't insult your husband for his parenting skills.
+1.
OP is confirming the well-known theory that children of abusive parents tend to be abusive themselves. Her father was a tyrant, and she is doing the same to her daughter. Yes, teens and adolescents are often brats. But this is what you signed up for, OP, when you chose to become a parent. Your daughter is no different from the millions of other teens out there. Confrontational methods to address the situation will only make things worse. Please stop abusing your daughter. You are the adult in this situation - don't expect her to cope or react in the same manner as you.
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