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In my friends case..that was the point her 13 year old son had gotten to....lots of issues hit at the same time (she left an abusive spouse. ..after the ass got out after some minor jail time he egged his son on the make her life hell by proxie..they moved etc etc)....it was an perfect storm of problems.
The idea that this should be done for a bit of back talk at dinner is ridiculous.
No, I have never sent my kids to their rooms without dinner, never!
Why? Because that would have allowed them peace and quiet away from me, in their rooms, to continue gnashing their teeth and fuming over some perceived injustice in their lives. Instead, I have always preferred to have them join me to sit down and enjoy our dinner together!
Yeah, imagine how happy they were about that punishment...eating dinner with the wicked witch!
I'm sorry I didn't read all the comments, but I think its a natural consequence to send her to her room without supper. She refused to help prepare it... she doesn't get to eat it.
That being said, I'd allow her to come down after the kitchen was cleaned up and make herself a sandwich and eat it alone at the table. Then she would need to clean up and restore the kitchen to how she found it.
If she refused to clean up, I would take all electronics (and legos- saw that at least) and tell her she can stay in her room until she is ready to clean up the kitchen.
As for the mouthing off, I would look her in the eyes and say firmly "In this family, we do not speak to each other that way. When you are ready to show me some respect, then we can continue this conversation." Then walk away and refuse to talk to her until she 1) apologizes. 2) talks respectfully.
Actions have consequences .... she needs to learn that!
I highly recommend the book "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen"
When ... then .... statements
Firm natural logical consequences
Follow thru ... etc
I'm sorry I didn't read all the comments, but I think its a natural consequence to send her to her room without supper. She refused to help prepare it... she doesn't get to eat it.
That being said, I'd allow her to come down after the kitchen was cleaned up and make herself a sandwich and eat it alone at the table. Then she would need to clean up and restore the kitchen to how she found it.
If she refused to clean up, I would take all electronics (and legos- saw that at least) and tell her she can stay in her room until she is ready to clean up the kitchen.
As for the mouthing off, I would look her in the eyes and say firmly "In this family, we do not speak to each other that way. When you are ready to show me some respect, then we can continue this conversation." Then walk away and refuse to talk to her until she 1) apologizes. 2) talks respectfully.
Actions have consequences .... she needs to learn that!
I highly recommend the book "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen"
When ... then .... statements
Firm natural logical consequences
Follow thru ... etc
Nip this is the bud or it will get worse
This is how I try to approach those difficult adolescent moments, too. Unfortunately, I do occasionally lose my temper, and I've apologized for it many times over the years. I think there's room in the parent-child relationship for missteps if we recognize our faults and acknowledge them in front of our children. It helps them understand that we are all imperfect. Saying I'm sorry with sincerity smooths over a lot of rough edges. I tell my kids I'm a work in progress, just like they are.
Last edited by randomparent; 08-29-2014 at 08:58 PM..
This is how I try to approach those difficult adolescent moments, too. Unfortunately, I do occasionally lose my temper, and I've apologized many times over the years for it. I think there's room in the parent-child relationship for missteps if we recognize our faults and acknowledge them in front of our children. It helps them understand that we are all imperfect. Saying I'm sorry with sincerity smooths over a lot of rough edges. I tell my kids I'm a work in progress, just like they are.
I apologize to my kids, too .... Sincere apologies, and people tell me all the time my kids are the best apologizers!! If we never apologize how are they suppose to learn how to do it themselves?! We all make mistakes ... so you RandomParent- I agree with you- we are all works in progress and how better for them to learn then to show them no one (even us) are perfect!
I guess for me, if (when?) my child does the same thing as the OPs child, I would make it clear that it wasn't that they couldn't EAT at all ... its that they cant eat with the family the delicious meal that was being prepared since they refused to help! And being rude in the process...
I do leave room though for hormones- as 12 is a hard age even for the tween... works in progress (I really like that!)
Well softie Daddy came back down and told me about their conversation. She had all sorts of excuses, none of which made any sense since this has been ongoing for about a year. "new school year, new locker, l new teacher, doesn't like her shoes, bla bla bla." He asked if I was making enough for everybody which of course I still was. Then he said she knows she needs to apologize and she understand why I was so angry. Then he said "can she come down?" I asked if she even wants to and apparently she did cause she did come down, muttered some sort of half assed apology "sorry". I told her I wasn't going to let her be disrespectful to me anymore and I had every intention of not seeing her again till morning. Then I removed myself and had my supper in front of the evening news.
The thing is...I remember being forced to sit and eat with the family when I was so upset. My father was a tyrant. I would have given anything if I was allowed to leave the table or even forfeit supper but I had to sit there and eat every bite while crying and choking. It was miserable. No wonder I have abdominal problems my whole life.
Ok .... when it comes to the kid, the parent that has the problem solves the problem. Someone said that to me once and it was like a light bulb! Your hubby should of stayed out of it. And when your daughter muttered her half asses apology I would of sent her right back to her room (sans Dad) and told her when she was ready to apologize respectfully she could rejoin the family .... Im sorry (who am I to say anything, but you asked for advice so no one yell at me!) Im sorry but your reaction to how this played out maybe why these behaviors are continuing. Daddy talked to her and bought her her b*ll****.... half aplogy then YOU had to leave the room?! You just reinforced her she can 1) do what she wants 2) whine to Daddy to get out of trouble 3) get what she wants (Eat with the famil) 4)make you mad 5) enough to eat somewhere else ... She got off scot-free .... ya not in my house!
You need to firm up or this behavior will only get WAY WAY worse
When you said that about not being disrespected it should of been followed by "Go back to your room until you can be respectful."
We have Room Outs here. Time outs, etc werent working anymore. So in your case I would have told her " I dont like the way youre talking to me, its disrespectful and (in my home) God says to honor your mother, so you need to go room out" and then shed have gone to her room to think, sit, calm down, pray until I had calmed down (you CANT discipline/train in anger, it just doesnt work) and she had calmed down (cant listen/obey in anger, just doesnt work)..then i would have gone up and said " you were disrespectful and I dont want to be talked to that way ". (although you could also ask her why shes there) and then apologized and worked through it from there. Was she upset about something? Were you listening? etc.
I dont have a 12yr old, but it would still work if you adapted it.
ETA: We have found this works the best for what i posted above. Anger blocks the way for teaching. If you BOTH step away, it gives you time. I know you said she was sent to her room and I think thats a good thing. I wouldnt have skipped dinner unless that was somehow part of the problem.
Your comment about the parent who has the problem solving the problem is very insightful. I like it! On the other hand, sometimes children are hesitant to reveal the source of poor behavior to the parent involved in a major conflict. In our family, our daughter, in particular, is more likely to open up to her father in the aftermath of an argument with me. He's much better at getting to the bottom of things when tempers flare, which facilitates a faster resolution than if I tried to handle it myself.
Denying a child food altogether, or threatening to do so (I know dad brought her down to dinner later, but that wasn't the initial punishment she was told) is a hugely asymmetrical power play. You sass me, I deny your basic biological needs. I am the one with all the resources and all the authority, and you'd better not ever forget that. It's far different from natural consequences like "you eat separate from the family if you can't talk to us respectfully" or "if you don't help cook, you get a boring sandwich instead." And yes, IMO, it is abusive. Not necessarily call-CPS-right-now abusive, depending on the circumstances, but it's a recipe for any number of other problems, and a symptom of deeper relationship issues.
That there are negative consequences for bad behavior.
Agreed. The discipline (punishment if you will) doesn't always have to "fit the crime" exactly.
What are you supposed to do for excessive sassing, etc? What is the action that would fit with what the child did?
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent
Wait a minute. It's abusive to send your child to her room because she's being insolent? I believe it's very responsible for a parent who's losing her temper -- Who among us hasn't been there? -- to enforce a time-out that allows everyone to calm down. I have certainly used this technique with my children. Usually it's gone something like this: "You are pushing my buttons right now, so before either one of us says or does something we'll regret, I need you to go to your room. Right. Now." And I've already outlined a situation in which I dismissed a child from the dinner table, but I wasn't accused of abuse. What am I missing?
To read this thread, may people. We have many perfect parents on this thread, people who always have the ideal solution, people who never had this kind of thing happen b/c they're so perfect, people with little kids who know just what will work with a 12 yr old, etc. No wonder NK left the thread.
My own response is similar to maciesmom. I can't remember if I did or didn't. I think not.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 08-30-2014 at 08:43 AM..
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