Family dinner, or..... (parents, smart, children, tantrum)
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Having friends to dinner is a normal thing most people do. You should be celebrating that your daughter wants to bring her friends to the house, and her friends want to eat dinner with you. This shouldn't be restricted because of her sister's issues. The introvert needs to be exposed to uncomfortable situations so she can learn to cope. As an adult, there will be many functions she will need to attend that involve eating with other people. Her boss could decide to take everyone out to lunch, work Christmas parties, dinner with her boyfriend's family, etc.. She needs practice and help adjusting to these situations. Now is the time because you won't have an opportunity when she's older.
Basically this. Its not doing the younger daughter any favours to not expose her to eating with strangers but letting her learn how to handle it in a safe environment (i.e. home rather than at her first proper job) will be very good for her.
If I recall, the OP's daughter's issues are deeper than just being shy. Requiring her to have a meal with guests is not exploiting. Children need exposure and practice to overcome quirks and issues that can hinder them socially and professionally when they are adults. Having meals with strangers is something that can't be avoided in adulthood sometimes.
you are right
but in your last sentence- yes in "adulthood" she will have to do a lot of things- but she's not an adult yet
how many of us like to talk in front of groups? how many like to give speeches - public speaking??
that's right, not many, it strikes fear and panic into most of us- well, this is a quirk,,,,and knowing this,,,does our boss deliberately make us do this??sometimes, but not most of the time
I use to be a "sink or swim" attitude parent, and , I would expose my child to all kinds of potentially, uncomfortable situations, just to develop coping skills, I get that
but,
i'll say again,,,if this is a overall great kid, and has but one or two quirks,,, or hang ups,then leave her be- respect it..
the other issue I have is this-
if you want your teenager to carry themselves with dignity and self respect, then treat them that way
Having friends to dinner is a normal thing most people do. You should be celebrating that your daughter wants to bring her friends to the house, and her friends want to eat dinner with you. This shouldn't be restricted because of her sister's issues. The introvert needs to be exposed to uncomfortable situations so she can learn to cope. As an adult, there will be many functions she will need to attend that involve eating with other people. Her boss could decide to take everyone out to lunch, work Christmas parties, dinner with her boyfriend's family, etc.. She needs practice and help adjusting to these situations. Now is the time because you won't have an opportunity when she's older.
We have a new trend in our household. My oldest (17) wants to bring friends home for dinner.
The problem is the younger (14). she is a true introvert and doesn't often want to eat with these guests of her sister.
So do I tell younger that the family expectation is that we all eat together? And establish what consequence if she refuses to join us?
or do I tell older she can't have friends over except on nights when her sister is at Dad's?
Or do I eat with older and friend and let younger sulk in her room/eat later.
Each option sends a different message. BTW, younger doesn't have as many friends and rarely invites anyone over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG
Why dies the younger daughter get to rule the roost for the older one? It's great when teens want to bring friends over and should be encouraged. ..not forbidden.
Two things here....make some minor allowances for the younger one to be comfortable in the short term....but you need to work on her ability to be around others...ad that is going to cause her problems in life and is much more than just being introverted.
Incorrect. A lot of people have the misconception that introverts need fixing and should be changed into extroverts. Introverts are as normal as extroverts, (just a less common personality type) and are fine just the way they are. Contrary to popular belief, intorversion is NOT the same as shyness. Introverts get along just with people, but also very comfortable by themselves. They like to spend more time by themselves and less time with others than extroverts. They need more time to unplug and reflect with their own private thoughts than extroverts, whereas extroverts often get lonely without the company of others and are more gregarious. Telling the older she can't have friends over except when sister is at Dad's is still a compromise for the oldre sister, although it might not be the most equitable compromise.
Incorrect. A lot of people have the misconception that introverts need fixing and should be changed into extroverts. Introverts are as normal as extroverts, (just a less common personality type) and are fine just the way they are. Contrary to popular belief, intorversion is NOT the same as shyness. Introverts get along just with people, but also very comfortable by themselves. They like to spend more time by themselves and less time with others than extroverts. They need more time to unplug and reflect with their own private thoughts than extroverts, whereas extroverts often get lonely without the company of others and are more gregarious. Telling the older she can't have friends over except when sister is at Dad's is still a compromise for the oldre sister, although it might not be the most equitable compromise.
I am not saying fix her being an introvert....there is nothing wrong with that.
What is wrong is that she's demanding that her sister cater to her behavior and that it's so severe it limits her. I am sorry but being able to eat a meal with a guest from time to time is not an extreme thing.....even for an introvert.
Here's the difference. Introverts prefer to be alone or in small groups of people they enjoy, but they function just fine in other social settings. People with social anxiety don't function fine in settlings because they have panic attacks and are very stressed out by it. If she's an introvert, she won't be harmed by having to sit at a meal with strangers on occasion. If she has social anxiety, she definitely needs help adjusting to uncomfortable situations because avoidance only makes social anxiety worse. So, either way, special accommodations shouldn't be made for her aside from slowly easing her into these situations if she has social anxiety instead of an introverted personality.
In my experience many introverts struggle more in smaller group settings. There's expectation for taking part b in conversation. I think she should be at the table however big sister needs to be told eating over is limited to X number of days. Say 2x a month while younger sister adjusts.
I think it's important she acclimate herself to small group settings. There's really no way of avoiding them as she enters the work force eventually.
I agree with this, regardless of whether she is introverted or has social anxiety, she is going to have to learn that her older sibling has rights too and that these situations will have to be dealt with in life.
A couple of compromises that I think are fair (not necessarily all at once):
- All dinner guests must be planned in advance, anywhere from an hour to a day (your choice of rule) that way you get a chance to plan out the meal and your younger daughter gets a chance to get used to the idea
- Only guests are allowed who your younger daughter has met before
- Guests are only allowed on certain days of the week that way she knows other says are "safe" plus she doesn't feel like there is never family only time
I know those are not things that will happen in adulthood, often these things can be last minute, but I think they would give her a chance to slowly adjust while not making your older daughter feel like she is being punished (esp. as you want to encourage knowing who her friends are).
Also if you are planning things out in advance, is there a way to only have guests for your elder daughter when your younger daughter has one? Even if it is a relative? That way she is not so focused on that other person whom she doesn't really know.
I am not saying fix her being an introvert....there is nothing wrong with that.
What is wrong is that she's demanding that her sister cater to her behavior and that it's so severe it limits her. I am sorry but being able to eat a meal with a guest from time to time is not an extreme thing.....even for an introvert.
Yes, this. Occasional guests at dinner is not a huge ordeal, and if it is it needs to be addressed. Part of parenthood is preparing your child for their future.
There can be some sort of compromise, with the younger child getting something they want too. It's not an either/or situation.
We have a new trend in our household. My oldest (17) wants to bring friends home for dinner.
The problem is the younger (14). she is a true introvert and doesn't often want to eat with these guests of her sister.
So do I tell younger that the family expectation is that we all eat together? And establish what consequence if she refuses to join us?
or do I tell older she can't have friends over except on nights when her sister is at Dad's?
Or do I eat with older and friend and let younger sulk in her room/eat later.
Each option sends a different message. BTW, younger doesn't have as many friends and rarely invites anyone over.
Make her come to the table. If she won't, she doesn't eat. It's that simple.
It very well could be a power play against her older sister. Only Mom knows for sure.
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