trying to find proper boundaries as a step father (wife, smart, daughter)

[AnywhereElse]

Originally Posted by The4thBeastieBoy

As wussy and spineless as it sounds, I sweep it under the rug so I stay neutral with her on the " like him/don't like him" scale. The last thing I want is for her to label me a snitch or something

You have an obligation to share that kind of information with your wife and then she should in turn discuss it with the child's father. By not telling, you might think that makes you a "friend" but it doesn't. I agree with someone that suggests counseling for you, wife, daughter and father. The daughter is the way she is because of parenting for which you are not responsible so they created it and should be dealing with it. If you want respect, you'll have to act like an adult and report serious issues to your wife.

[Butterfly4u]

Every divorced parent goes through this.
The good news is, the girl is 17. Good for you.
In a couple years, she will be living her own life at school,
hopefully not living with you all the time, and she will get over
the fact that her mom is remarried, and the child will live her own
life.
The bad news is, she is 17, smart enough to manipulate her parents and
you. Divide and conquer is her motto, and she is really good at it by now.
You are not her father.
You will never be her father.
Let her father be her father.
Tell her parents what she does when you find out, but other than that,
stay out of it. She knows you will tell, so I wonder why she is doing this
drinking around you.
I was a single mom for quite a few years in my life, and I always handled
my kids myself. Always.
I was the mother and father, even when I lived with my husband.
I deliberatly did that to avoid nonsense with my children.
Your wife has to realize that she created this whole situation, and now
she is going to handle it, noone else.
It worked for me, and believe me, it wasn't easy.
You do what you have to do. Period.
So tell your wife to deal with her daughter. She is her daughter
and only she can deal with her.
She is the mom. She (in the child's eyes), has to right to deal with
her daughter as she has to.
If she can't deal with her own daughter now, I just hope you see
this and don't have any additional children with her.

[Miami3]

Originally Posted by The4thBeastieBoy

As wussy and spineless as it sounds, I sweep it under the rug so I stay neutral with her on the " like him/don't like him" scale. The last thing I want is for her to label me a snitch or something

You have walked into Wasp's nest! Stay out of it when you have a step child who is almost basically a Adult now! Worry about your relationship first and let your partner deal with it!

Keep your mouth shut on the issue period!

[longnecker]

Originally Posted by Hopes

It annoys me when people say that step-parents shouldn't be involved in disciplining. You are an adult who lives in the same house with a child who is drinking under aged. It's just as much your responsibility to ensure she isn't drinking the household liquor or driving while intoxicated when she's drinking elsewhere. You have a right to speak up because her behavior is a legal liability to you because you and your wife jointly own assets and debts. You have a moral obligation to not sweep under aged drinking under the rug.

Take her car keys away and ground her from using the car for a month next time she's drunk!

Agreed. suppose she gets hurt or hurts someone else while drinking? I would bet even she would blame you.

[Zeurich]

poor you step daddy! Honestly.

[MB1972]

Originally Posted by shaylahc

You should not be disciplining her, period. You didn't come into her life until she was 15....she is now 17. Too old to be disciplined anyway. Tell your wife to deal with it. Her kid, her problem.

Most teens are standoffish, if not downright mean to their families. Most of them hole up in their rooms and chat on their computers or phones. She is going to be adult soon. The time to play "one big happy family" is pretty much over.

You came into the game late in her childhood. Just take whatever she offers as far as friendship, and have no other expectations.

Read and re read this post. This advice is right on!

[Caltovegas]

I say tell the wife and let the parents handle her. At 17 coming in new there's no bond formed.
She needs to understand what she is doing can have consequences. There could be a tragic DUI. There could be an unwanted pregnancy. There could be a drop in grade, etc.. The next two years are defining years and then there's the college consideration.

With the college consideration comes money. Do you plan to donate? What if she doesn't go to college? I say inform the wife and let the natural parents handle the situation or ask the father out for a beer summit and let him know what's going on.

One thing I agree with Dr. Laura on is don't marry a woman unless all the children are 18 and over. Just date until that day comes.

[aquietpath]

So many step parents come into a relationship and want to take over disciplining their stepchildren. Always a big mistake, especially if the kids are older. And if the natural parent and step parent have different parenting skills, it can be a source of constant friction. I'm surprised the OPs wife wants him to do the "dirty work" of disciplining. It's not his job.

The wife needs to handle the discipline, and have the biological father involved as well. OP should stay out of it. Eventually he and the stepdaughter may form a cordial, if not close, relationship. But at 17 when many teens have problems getting along with natural parents, it's not likely at this point.

[The4thBeastieBoy]

I think she encourages that I do the dirty work, I guess so I get the feeling that I'm in the family,

[david0966]

I commend you Beastie. This is precisely why I would never date a woman with kids still in the house. WAY too much drama and stress. Don't need that in my life. Best of luck to you, you're going to need it!