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I'll try to keep this short, but it's going to be hard. You are forewarned. LOL
So I live in a decent neighborhood but our house is next door to *that* family. You know, the ones that the whole block hates because they do things deemed trifling, like leave garbage bags in the yard, parking on their lawn, letting the property run down, etc. Around here, no one else does that stuff so people pretty much shun these neighbors as poor white trash.
That said, I get along with them fine. I don't love everything they do but they seem nice enough and it's not my house.
Recently, a young relative moved in there who has 2 kids around my own kids' age. Soon the children started playing together. No problem. Except they won't go home. They come early in the morning and literally try to stay all day long, until the sun goes down. The younger one talks about how he likes my house because it's clean and we have plenty of toys (it's like an episode of Hoarders over there). They eat us out of house and home whenever they are here. So I tried limiting how much time they can spend in my house, telling them they could play inside for an hour or two but after that they must all play outside together but can't come in. So they talk my kids into bringing them food from my house and all their toys outside in response. When I put my foot down and tell my children to come inside to do chores or whatever, these kids will literally knock on my door every 15 minutes asking to come in or if my kids can come out. The youngest one has some kind of developmental delay going on and he doesn't understand boundaries, so no amount of "stay away" gets processed. He also namecalls and yells and has angry outburst when they are playing together, once he doesn't get his way. He's been known to have violent outburst and break things and/or hit people when he has an episode, though he hasn't done that with me or mine... yet.
The older one has a habit of accusing my son of hitting her or saying something bad to her or her sibling for "no reason", leading to him being punished. Then later I will find out they actually were hitting him first or something like that and left out that part. My kids aren't angels and I don't regret punishing my son, but I don't like the selective truth telling and I have no idea what this girl is telling her mom about my son... I recently learned that she doesn't want my kid coming over to their house because she thinks he's always attacking her kids. LOL. I had told my son he wasn't allowed to go in there anyway, so no biggie, but it still makes me uncomfortable that this girl is making him out to be some sort of out of control violent child (oh, the irony). The mom is young not exactly mature when it comes to talking about her kids so I don't even plan on trying to talk it out with her.
Needless to say I'm over these two and want to end all interaction. I'm considering "you can only play together outside and only when an adult is watching you" rule. But the truth is I'm not going to want to spend all day watching kids play outside so they won't end up playing together that often. What's the problem you say? Well here it is:
1. There is A LOT going on over there (that I will not detail) and I know the adults in that house are overwhelmed. I also know it's not the best environment for kids. Part of me feels guilty knowing that this might be the closest to a non-chaotic environment those children are getting and I'm about to cut off all access. They are not my kids and not my problem, I know, but the soft hearted part of me feels bad about it.
2. I don't want to be yet another family on the block shunning these folks. I don't think they are bad people. I just can't deal with these two children.
3. The head of that household has been very nice to us and very nice to my kids. I considered taking these 2 on sometimes as part of paying her back so to speak, since I knew they could all use a break, but it has gotten out of hand. I am afraid that once I do this though, a rift will be formed.
4. My kids love the oldest one and always want to play with her. She's not a bad kid but like I said, I am wary of the selective truth telling and she is also really, really pushy. It is also impossible to get her without her sibling.
So, is there another way to look at this? Am I doing the right thing here?
When they knock on the door you have several choices.
You either answer the door and tell her the children cannot play right now.
You answer the door and tell her the children can play outside only for a short time.
You answer the door and allow her to come in but she is limited to one room of the home only where you can keep an eye on the children playing and you set a time limit for them to inside, then send them home.
As far as the pushy part, explain to her/them that is not allowed in your home and she will be sent home early if she does not behave accordingly.
There is no reason or need to feel guilty for doing what you need to do as a parent and what is best for your children.
Their situation at home is not your concern in that regard as long as they are not being abused or completely neglected there is no law being broken either.
I do know how hard it is to turn away children however, in the best interest of your children and your home you must set limits and stick to them.
Be sure your children not available when they come knocking. Enroll them in outside activities so they won't be around to play with them. While you want to be kind, the reality is that you need to look at what they are teaching YOUR kids.
We used to have a sad situation in our former neighborhood; mom took off with boyfriend leaving six kids to her drunken truck driver husband. I used to feed them and keep an eye out for them. One day another neighbor stoped by my job to tell me that when she drove past my house on the way to the store, my bedroom window was closed but open when she returned. Those "children" were breaking into my house daily to watch t.v. and use my telephone.
No good deed goes unpunished so take care of your own and don't worry about the rest, you can't change their fate.
When they knock on the door you have several choices.
You either answer the door and tell her the children cannot play right now.
You answer the door and tell her the children can play outside only for a short time.
You answer the door and allow her to come in but she is limited to one room of the home only where you can keep an eye on the children playing and you set a time limit for them to inside, then send them home.
I've done all of those. The problem with these 2 is they don't have boundaries, and whatever rule I make up they will just keep trying to manipulate for more. They just keep coming back to the door with reasons and excuses and "just a small question" or whatever. And if you give them an inch, they take 17,000 miles. If I tell them stay in one room, they work to come up with reasons why they should go to another room, or they find way to get my kids to go to the places they are not allowed and get things for them (they once talked my son into going into the basement to try to bring up a computer. Luckily I caught him). Plus the youngest one is like a preschooler developmentally, he just can't process that no means no, and he is known to get very angry when I keep telling him no. It's a mess. This has been going on for months, that's why I'm at the point of just giving up all together.
I'm at my wits end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
I do know how hard it is to turn away children however, in the best interest of your children and your home you must set limits and stick to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
No good deed goes unpunished so take care of your own and don't worry about the rest, you can't change their fate.
You both are absolutely right, I just have to accept it and pull the trigger. Sigh.
We used to have neighbors just like this. I always felt dreadfully sorry for the kids, and knew the situation at home was horrible. The more hospitable we were, the more the family took advantage of the situation, and it got out of control. Honestly your first priority is your children. There really is no best case here, do what works for you and your kids, and don't feel bad if that excludes the other kids.
We have a family in our neighborhood like this. My husband and I affectionately refer to their children as the "juvenile delinquents." They're still in grade school, but we see the writing on the wall. Since our children are not their age, we haven't had to deal with this problem. Our neighbor across the street does though because his daughter is friends with them. I constantly hear him yelling "get out of my house, " get off my porch," and "get off my property." The juvenile delinquents just laugh at him.
His daughter doesn't help matters because she doesn't stop them from following her into the house. If that was my child, I'd hold her accountable to enforce my rules and punish her when she didn't. That's the first thing that came to my mind when I read your children were taking food outside to these kids. That's not a neighbor problem. That's a problem between you and your children. I'd instruct them to stop taking food from your house. If they do it, ground them.
It seems you're most concerned about a rift being formed between you and the head of household. I'd just go talk to her. Tell her that it has gotten out of hand. She'll probably understand because she knows they are a handful. Let her you wanted to give her heads up because it's no reflection on how you feel about her.
Tina, I would say the only way to deal with this issue is to not allow them over and if you choose to answer the door one time and tell them the children are not available to play.
If they ring the bell again do not answer the door, do not give them the inch to begin with. You are in control of this situation until the moment you cross your own boundary line and give in to them. At that moment they gain control and keep pulling that rope to gain even more.
Draw your line on the porch and do not cross it, hades if you have to get a piece of neon green florescent tape to literally
"draw your line" at the door.
It seems you're most concerned about a rift being formed between you and the head of household. I'd just go talk to her. Tell her that it has gotten out of hand. She'll probably understand because she knows they are a handful. Let her you wanted to give her heads up because it's no reflection on how you feel about her.
I agree. For the most part. I don't think it would be smart to say that it has gotten out of hand, just yet. You don't want all this pent-up frustration/concern coming out of the floodgates, even if it's how you truly feel, because she may feel blindsided.
I agree that no good deed goes unpunished. I would be tempted to contact the school and see if maybe their counselor/social worker can get in touch with the family. The kids are probably underfed and not supervised.
I would host playdates when you feel like it, but send them home when you're done. It really is not your problem, and there are those parents who will take advantage of the kindness of others. Next thing you'll be adding 2 more kids to your household. Why would they feed their kids if you're doing it for them? Why would they watch out for their kids if you're doing it for them? They need to pony up to their own responsibilities.
We do the whole not available with children like this. I do not want my children to get into a situation that they become accustomed to. As for a way to twist it is if the older boy cannot go over then I would let the children know that they are not able to come over to your house. I would be very concerned if they twisted a situation in your house to make it out to be something against your oldest that has implications that you do not want to have.
I would have to disagree with Hopes I would not talk it over with the head of the household. They did not talk it over with you about your oldest I would give them the same consideration.
You owe your oldest the decency of being his parent but not being a parent to your neighbor's kids.
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