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Couple suggestions...you need to decide beforehand what they are going to call you, both now and in the future. It's hurtful to a mother when her children call another woman "mom" so you might want to figure out a something other than that if/when it comes up.
You also need to make sure they know that you are NOT trying to take their mother's place, that nobody could ever do that and that she is an appreciated part of their life. As far as never saying anything about their mother in front of them, I think that's counterproductive. Of course you should never say anything bad, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that she exists either. And you absolutely should occasionally compliment their mother in front of them. For instance something like "You look so pretty today, your mommy really does a great job of doing your hair!" This way, they won't see any enmity between you and their mother, and it will help them relax and accept you and the new situation more easily.
Couple suggestions...you need to decide beforehand what they are going to call you, both now and in the future. It's hurtful to a mother when her children call another woman "mom" so you might want to figure out a something other than that if/when it comes up.
They will call me by my first name; I will not permit them to call me "mom" for the reason stated above.
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You also need to make sure they know that you are NOT trying to take their mother's place, that nobody could ever do that and that she is an appreciated part of their life. As far as never saying anything about their mother in front of them, I think that's counterproductive. Of course you should never say anything bad, but you shouldn't ignore the fact that she exists either. And you absolutely should occasionally compliment their mother in front of them. For instance something like "You look so pretty today, your mommy really does a great job of doing your hair!" This way, they won't see any enmity between you and their mother, and it will help them relax and accept you and the new situation more easily.
Well, when I said "I won't say anything" I meant I won't say anything bad. I have nothing good to say about her, but it's not like I'm going to pretend she doesn't exist either. I don't want to take their mother's place.
I think everyone here has given you wonderful advice! Also, as horrible of a witch this woman seems to be, try to encourage your bf not to burn bridges. They might never have an amicable relationship.. but a civil one goes a long way. My boyfriend's parents had a HORRIBLE divorce when he was 6 and his sister was about 1 or 2. Like, throwing things, punching holes in the wall horrible. After the dust settled, the two get along well now and his father is good friends with his stepfather. His mom was even begged to attend his grandfather's deathbed. Not every divorce ends so well as that, especially from bad beginnings, but try to keep the atmosphere as open as possible for both of you!
Also, find out what tv shows and such that they like. I'm not saying to buy them off with presents, but at that age, sitting around and watching Dora the Explorer, the Suite Life, or Hannah Montana can work wonders.
Question- have you figured out how their dad is going to tell them about you? They're young enough that either they'll just be OK with it or that they'll ask about 5 million questions.
As caring and concerned as you are about his children, it doesn't mean a thing if his ex needs a scapegoat for the divorce; and how your s/o is working with the children through all of this. And it also depends on how the divorce was presented to the children.
I applaud you for wanting the best for all concerned; but please be prepared just in case you end up the victim. Please don't take any of the emotional trauma personally....kids that are hurting need someone to blame, and it's much easier to blame anyone other than their parents.
This is a very delicate transition period for everyone, especially the children and you will need to be extremely careful in how you present yourself.
I had a step-mom who was my best friend. I was 15 at the time of my parent's divorce and very glad they would be happier apart. I didn't take any of it personally. My step-mom presented herself as a friend, not a mother substitute. However, all children view things differently; and even though I was open minded, my siblings were not and out of the five of us, it was just me and one brother who had a wonderful relationship with our step-mom....the others treated her cruely from the get-go.
When my turn as a step-mom occured, I followed the lead of my own step-mother and presented as a friend...not pushy, just letting them know I wanted to be a friend to them.....but it never worked! Their parents were not open with the children and let them come to their own conclusions. I was married to their father for nearly 20 years, and in all that time the best relationship I could form with his children was a "let's at least tolerate each other"....very sad.
I think everyone here has given you wonderful advice! Also, as horrible of a witch this woman seems to be, try to encourage your bf not to burn bridges. They might never have an amicable relationship.. but a civil one goes a long way. My boyfriend's parents had a HORRIBLE divorce when he was 6 and his sister was about 1 or 2. Like, throwing things, punching holes in the wall horrible. After the dust settled, the two get along well now and his father is good friends with his stepfather. His mom was even begged to attend his grandfather's deathbed. Not every divorce ends so well as that, especially from bad beginnings, but try to keep the atmosphere as open as possible for both of you!
He says he'd be surprised if he and his ex ended up having a friendly post-divorce relationship but I'm certainly not going to discourage it. He has to deal with her for the rest of their lives because they have children together.
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Also, find out what tv shows and such that they like. I'm not saying to buy them off with presents, but at that age, sitting around and watching Dora the Explorer, the Suite Life, or Hannah Montana can work wonders.
He doesn't want them watching too much TV but we do plan to buy some of their favorite DVDs so the TV can babysit them if we're busy cooking dinner or something.
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Question- have you figured out how their dad is going to tell them about you? They're young enough that either they'll just be OK with it or that they'll ask about 5 million questions.
Doesn't anyone but me think it's too soon to introduce the children to a new girlfriend? The poor kids are trying to adjust to their father and mother not being together anymore, and now they're just supposed to think it's normal for their dad to be with another woman? What if this relationship doesn't work out? No problem, just let them see that relationships are like a revolving door...
I'd wait to be sure this relationship is going to be permanent before I exposed my children to another woman.
As caring and concerned as you are about his children, it doesn't mean a thing if his ex needs a scapegoat for the divorce; and how your s/o is working with the children through all of this. And it also depends on how the divorce was presented to the children.
I applaud you for wanting the best for all concerned; but please be prepared just in case you end up the victim. Please don't take any of the emotional trauma personally....kids that are hurting need someone to blame, and it's much easier to blame anyone other than their parents.
His older daughter did act out at school a couple of months ago but it was an isolated incident. Both girls have sometimes been rude or cold to him when he comes to visit, but they warm up very quickly. He suspects that his x2b is telling them that the situation is "all daddy's fault" and she has been pretty cruel to him regarding the children.
For example, she wanted to keep living in their house. He doesn't care if she wants to keep it or not, but he's not paying for it either way. (She doesn't work.) He said to her if she wants to stay in the house, that's fine; but the mortgage has to be transferred into her name which means a refi, which with her financial situation is almost impossible. She asked him if he could continue to keep the mortgage in his name but allow her to pay it. He said no, since she had already gotten her own car repossessed and had gotten them within a hair's breadth of the beginnings of foreclosure when she was the one writing the checks for the bills on their joint bank account. He had to have his paycheck paid into an account she doesn't have access to prevent total financial disaster, so she is clearly one who cannot be trusted. One time she pestered him about it in front of the children and he again said he did not think it was a good idea but she was free to find her own financing if she wanted to keep the house, and maybe they could work something out but he wasn't keeping the mortgage in his name. She started screaming at him and asked him why he wanted to "throw his children out into the street", at which point they both started to cry. I know this because he records every phone call and most conversations...she doesn't know he does this. It's terrible the way she talks to him.
So...if she'll do that, I have no doubt she'll say all sorts of nasty things about me to them. My BF isn't so sure, since they both know that the other is "looking", though he doesn't think she's in a relationship. Just yesterday she called him for advice on filling out her e-Harmony profile. An hour later, she called him again and screamed at him for "rigging" the internet connection in the house to fail. She runs hot and cold.
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This is a very delicate transition period for everyone, especially the children and you will need to be extremely careful in how you present yourself.
I had a step-mom who was my best friend. I was 15 at the time of my parent's divorce and very glad they would be happier apart. I didn't take any of it personally. My step-mom presented herself as a friend, not a mother substitute. However, all children view things differently; and even though I was open minded, my siblings were not and out of the five of us, it was just me and one brother who had a wonderful relationship with our step-mom....the others treated her cruely from the get-go.
When my turn as a step-mom occured, I followed the lead of my own step-mother and presented as a friend...not pushy, just letting them know I wanted to be a friend to them.....but it never worked! Their parents were not open with the children and let them come to their own conclusions. I was married to their father for nearly 20 years, and in all that time the best relationship I could form with his children was a "let's at least tolerate each other"....very sad.
I wish you all the best!
Thanks; we've been kicking around the idea of seeking professional advice on this, but I'm not really sure where to start.
Doesn't anyone but me think it's too soon to introduce the children to a new girlfriend? The poor kids are trying to adjust to their father and mother not being together anymore, and now they're just supposed to think it's normal for their dad to be with another woman? What if this relationship doesn't work out? No problem, just let them see that relationships are like a revolving door...
I'd wait to be sure this relationship is going to be permanent before I exposed my children to another woman.
My BF moved out almost a year ago; it's not like they just broke up last week.
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